It's a Mad, Mad World.

I have been a member of an online community for moms for over two years now. It's definitely the website that I frequent the most and I have actually made friends online that I speak to on the phone and consider to be some of the best friends that I have. I have also learned a lot. If it were not for this community I would not be a cloth diapering mom and I would not know nearly as much as I do about breastfeeding, circumcision, natural living, vaccines, co-sleeping, home birthing, and many other parenting related topics. I am very grateful for having been pointed in the right direction on all of these topics.

However, as a member of said online community I have learned that mothers can be the most judgmental jerks in the entire universe. No parent is perfect and any one who claims to me is being pretentious. We all make mistakes as parents and we all do the best that we can. I know that 'we all' is very broad and that there are exceptions, but I am choosing to be general. I know some parents do what they are told, they sometimes are called sheep because they follow the herd. I know that some parents read multiple books on each individual topic before making any decisions at all. Some consult their own parents or peers.

The fact is, we all make millions of decisions from the moment that we find out that we are going to become parents. Some decisions are, in fact, better than others. Some decisions are unsafe, but when we know better we do better. Some decisions are a bit lazy and the decision is made to cater more to the wants of the parent than the best interest of the child. Sometimes there are decisions that are misguided, we choose to do things based off of false information, outdated information, or the opinion of great grandma Esther who thinks that she is the only person who 100% knows how to properly raise a child. None of us are perfect parents, we have all made one or two bad decisions as a parent.

The fact that I know that; a) mothers are super judgmental, b) there are millions of decisions to be made as a parent, and c) each of us will, at some point, make the decision that is not the best, seems to have brought me to a point of clarity and enlightenment to which it seems a great many of my online cohorts have not come. I am going to capitalize and bold this point so that it stands out. IT TAKES MORE THAN ONE BAD DECISION TO MAKE A BAD PARENT.

Sheesh. Getting that off of my chest made me feel a lot better. I am really tired of constantly seeing statements such as, "People who do not vaccinate are selfish parents," or "Spanking is shameful," or "Letting your kids watch TV is utterly lazy and loathsome." One of the main reasons that I am tired of seeing is that usually the person saying (read-typing) it has previously posted about doing at least one thing that I think is lazy, selfish, shameful, misguided, etc. None of us is perfect in the eyes of every other parent. That is just the way that it is. The important thing is to be confident in the decisions we all make as parents and to make them to the best of our abilities. The best parent is the parent who does his/ her best. Period.

*note to readers-this logic can really be applied to anything. For example: One fashion mistake does not a bad dresser make, One misguided joke does not make someone an asshole, and so on and so forth.*

Stepping BACK up.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had been making a concerned effort to work out and lose weight. Of course, the moment those two little lines appeared, that went right out the window. But now, I am back in the game. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym tonight. I am pretty sure I am going to make going to the gym our after nap routine every day, Sunday-Thursday. I will take the same days off of the gym as Dave takes from work.

I would really love it if Dave would work out with me, but he doesn't seem to be interested. I spent a long time saying that I was going to wait for Dave, lose weight with Dave, or that I was failing because I was doing it without his support. I know now that I was setting myself up to fail by depending on him. Dave doesn't see anything wrong with his diet, he does not really have the desire to work out, and he is perfectly fine with the way that he looks. I realized that he doesn't do things to sabotage me at all. He does them because they are right for him and he doesn't understand why they aren't right for me. And that's fine. But it does mean that I need to take matters into my own hands. So, to the gym I will go, without him. Declining food I will do, when he cooks it. Order salad I will, when he goes to a fast food joint.

I am truly ready to get back down to a presentable weight. I want to be able to go out and buy jeans. I want to go somewhere and feel like I look good. I want to be happy with myself. My goal is to look like a mega hottie next year at the annual XXX-Mas Party. I want people to be like,"Damn. Dave's wife is a pretty girl." But mostly, I just want to be a mom that my kids can be proud of. I want them to see me as an example of what to be rather than what not to be. And that goes as far as health and fitness as well.

Giving Thanks.

I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I don't think it's very nice to celebrate the fact that we basically bamboozled the Native Americans into thinking we were legit and then totally flipped the script and did horrible things to them. However, I am totally into the thought of having a day that we all celebrate the things that we have in life that are deserving of thanks. I guess that what I mean to say is that I see this day as a day of giving thanks and I try to disregard the historical aspect of the holiday.

This year, giving thanks was kind of difficult. I am 1600 miles away from my family and my close friends, I just had a miscarriage, I have the persistent sinus infection from hell, I am overweight and really self conscious, and we are having financial problems of epic proportions. The real kickers are the miscarriage, the distance, and the money. All of these things combined caused me to wake up this morning feeling rather "blah."

However, the Lord up above must have sensed my hesitation because although I woke up feeling like an elephant was sitting on my sinus cavity, a series of wonderful things happened. First, my darling husband realized that my sinuses were troubling me and he allowed me to sleep in. I got roughly 2 extra hours due to his awesomeness. Then, as I was waking up and rolling around and trying to will myself out of bed, I heard the sounds of my family. They were laughing, making animal noises, and chattering. I immediately felt like I wanted to jump out of bed and get in on the fun. Instead, I slowly hobbled downstairs while holding pressure to my aching sinus cavity. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, I realized that I could smell chocolate cake. I meandered into the kitchen to find that Dave had made the Black Forest Trifle that I had been planning on making today. Of course, in typical male fashion, it looks like a choco-cherry bomb went off in my kitchen. But it really is the thought that counts. He then told me to sit down, brought me a glass of water so that I could take my vitamins and the Sudafed that has been my best friend lately, and a cup of coffee.

As I was sitting here, drinking my coffee and massaging my sinus, I realized that sometimes things get crappy. But usually, they get better. And even when things are crappy, there is always something to be thankful for. In my case, the best things in my life are free, healthy, happy, and precious. And they don't care if I'm broke. They don't care that my uterus recently failed me. And even though we are far away from everyone else, we do have each other. I have a houseful of amazing and no matter how many cloudy days I have, they will always be my sunshine. I should probably not have hesitated this morning, because there is always something to be thankful for.

Best Laid Plans

Today was supposed to be my D&C procedure to end this pregnancy, however my body had another course of action in mind. Yesterday afternoon, I miscarried naturally. I am kind of torn on how I feel about it. First of all, it was really painful and second of all, it was really gross. There was a brief period where it looked like someone had been murdered in my bathroom. But on the plus side, I have been really sick with a cold and I was not sure how safe it was for me to go under anesthesia. Not to mention, I am the type of person who generally thinks that natural is better. There are risks to the D&C that just don't exist with a miscarriage because a miscarriage is the body's natural course of action.

Fortunately, it started before Dave went to work so he was able to get the evening off to help me out. No way could I have played mommy and managed that at the same time. Someone above was definitely watching out for me. And luckily, the majority of this is all over. I need to take today to rest and let myself heal. I should be able to start seeing my body go back to normal in the coming month. It might be strange, but I am still feeling very hopeful. I feel like this was a bump in the road and now that I have passed it by, we can start to heal and move on with our lives.

I haven't spoken to my dad since the first time, but I was thinking last night that I hope he calls me again. I was really hopeful about developing a relationship, but I want him to be the one to call me. I know that he returned my call the first time, but I feel like him taking the first step the next time would make me certain that he wants to work on things as well. Especially since it has been so long and it was so bad before. I just feel like if he doesn't call me this time he isn't reciprocating.

Well, I am off to the couch to begin my healing day.

What Difference a Day Makes.

Not to mention the difference of several days or a couple of weeks. Since I have been such a blog slacker lately, a lot has changed since the last time that I posted. Dave and I found out 6 days ago that my pregnancy was not viable. We were devastated by the news because we wanted this baby so badly. However, we are on the road to healing. I have to have a D&C on Wednesday since my body has not miscarried yet. After that, we will probably wait a couple of months and then start trying again. I have been so lucky in the past to have healthy, unremarkable pregnancies. I was completely taken aback when I was told that there was no heartbeat and the fetus had not developed past a certain point. I know now that I will never take a pregnancy for granted, ever again. I don't think that Dave will either.

I have also been taking 5HTP and I have noticed AMAZING improvements in my sleep habits, eating habits, and my behavior in general. I had heard of it for over a year but I always figured that if anti-depressants couldn't help me, nothing could. However, I am so glad that I finally took the step and started taking it. I am still having some trouble with energy but it has helped me so much, I am just amazed. I started taking a B12 supplement today and I am hoping that this will give me the final boost that I need to have a normal amount of energy. In the wake of this miscarriage, I would like to start going to the gym about 4 times a week, just to get out of the house and not be such a couch potato.

I have also begun to take some steps to repair my relationship with my father and with my youngest older sister. It had been years since I spoke to either of them and recently, I spoke to both of them. It felt really good. I want my children to have the opportunity to know where they came from. I haven't spoken to either of them since, but I am hoping that this is the beginning of something new. Dave and Archer have never met my father and I think it would be nice if that happened at some point. People don't last forever, so I won't always have the chance to know whether or not my dad and I could have at least enjoyed each other's company. As far as my sister goes, I have always regretted that she and I grew apart. Most of the time, I did not miss my father at all. However, I missed my sister every day and I am really looking forward to having her and her family in my life again.

As a whole, I am feeling much better than I have in a long time. I am very hopeful and I think that things are evolving and are certain to get better. I am hoping the 5HTP continues to do it's job and that the B12 begins to work and that I can be the Molly that I remember being 2 years ago. I am ready to stop being so miserable and so closed off. I really want to be living. I was never like this before and I never want to be like this again. It is definitely time for a change...for the better.

Dear Dad.

Dear Dad,

It has recently come to my attention that we have a miscommunication going on. I find it highly ironic that this is even possible, given that we haven't spoken in over 5 years. However, I want to clear things up anyways. It seems that you have been telling people that the reason for our estrangement has to do with child support payments. I am not sure if you are confused or lying, though neither would surprise me. The fact is, child support payments have nothing to do with my decision to discontinue my contact with you. In order to clear that up, I would like to present you with a short timeline of events.

In all fairness, I do not remember the exact date of when you last went to court with my mother over child support. I know that it was before I turned 18 (in March 2004) and I know that you were ordered to abide by your divorce decree and pay me around $500 per month up until my 22nd birthday. This was contingent upon my enrollment in school and my maintaing a 2.0 GPA, as per your original divorce decree.

We will start our timeline in July of 2004. Sometime during the week of July 11th, you called to invite me to a Luau at your newly built home. During the course of this conversation, you passed the phone off to your wife. She, of course, could not maintain a civil conversation with me for long. Soon the conversation turned to my mother. I do not remember why. What I do know is that during this verbal confrontation, your wife proceeded to call my mother a lying bitch. It was at this point that I threatened to smash her face in with my foot and hung up on her. A few moments later, you called back and decided that it was appropriate to lecture me on respect and the way that your wife deserved to be spoken to. I asked you if you had spoken to her about speaking to me with respect and not saying hateful things about the woman who raised me. You told me that she was an "adult" and could say whatever she wanted to me, given that I was a "child." At that point, I used some choice words and hung up on you as well. That was the last time that we spoke to one another (Aside from a brief encounter at Christmas 2005).

Fast forward to December 2004. My first semester of college had just ended. At this point I had been 18 for roughly 9 months and I had not seen a single cent of child support from you. You had been told that at 18, your wages would stop being garnished for child support. At that point, you were responsible for paying the money directly to me. This was an obligation you apparently did not see fit to fulfill. In December, I contacted you via written letter. I informed you that I was not going to press the matter of the previous 9 months for which you owed me support. I also informed you that I was enclosing a copy of my grade report for the semester and that I would appreciate it if payments would begin at that point.

Fast forward again, this time just a few weeks. I received a registered letter from you. Although it was simply a handwritten note, you seemed to feel that making me sign for it made it more official. This note stated that my grade report was not sufficient and that you wanted a sealed transcript mailed directly from the registrars office in order to verify my GPA. There was no mention of the 9 months you already owed me for. This is also not something that was stipulated by the courts. Regardless, I went to the registrars office to inquire. I was told that the transcript would cost $10 and for them to mail it to you would cost another $3. At this point, I wrote you back and informed you of this. I stated that I would appreciate a check for $13 to pay for this service and once the money was received, I would have the transcript sent. After this letter, I never heard from you again.

I provided the timeline to illustrate the fact that I had terminated contact with you well before the child support became an issue. I hope that it refreshes your memory and you will cease from telling people that I quit talking to you because of money. Now, I would like to make a couple of notes regarding issues that I addressed in the timeline. This serves no real purpose, other than to get the thoughts off of my chest.

First off, I want it known that I always knew you would find a way to avoid paying me child support. You spent 18 years trying to find a way to lessen the amount you paid to my mother. You even spent periods of time not paying her at all. I figured I would receive it for a while and then somehow you would find a reason to cease payment.In fact, you and I both know that I graduated high school with a gold cord. I have never had anything below a 3.0 GPA and you know it. Anyone with a lick of intelligence knows that your transcript request was a ruse. You can claim that you doubted my grades all that you want, I'm not buying it.

My second point ties in to the first. I want you to know that I spent a large portion of my childhood being very confused. My mom never told me very much about the court proceedings you two were always tied up in. You and your spouse, on the other hand, told me quite a bit (once you started seeing me). You would tell me how my mom wanted more money than you could afford and that she was misusing the funds. I never really knew what to believe. Now that I am a parent myself, I know who I believe. My mother has only recently told me some of the things that happened. However, I wholeheartedly agree with her. You make roughly three times what she makes and you live a lifestyle that I am unfamiliar with. Yet for some reason, paying a few hundred dollars a month to support me was something you never seemed to want to do. I don't think that my mother was trying to cheat you, I think that you couldn't bear to part with money that you could have used to buy your wife the material things that she seems to put so much stock in.

Now, onto my third point. I mentioned previously that my mother only recently told me parts of "her side." I want you to know that I do not have any dellusions about my mom. I don't glorify her at all. She spent most of my childhood smoking crack and abusing alcohol. However, I give credit where credit is due and I am not sure if you aware of this but my mother bent over backwards to never bad mouth you, your wife, or any member of your family. She always made excuses for you and encouraged me to have a relationship with you. This is a courtesy you never even attempted to bestow upon her. As a child, I had no real opinion on this behavior. As an adult and parent, I find it reprehensible. Regardless of what my mom was, she raised me. In fact, she cleaned up her life for me. This brings me to my fourth point

While my mom was a substance abuser struggling to raise a child, you were a substance abuser avoiding all read responsibility. You are biological father of 5 children, that I know of. Yet you have only ever acted as a parent to one person, and that person is your step daughter. I mention this for one reason, for a long time you have acted like my mom wanted money to spend on drugs and that she was neglecting me. I find this very hypocritical of you. You and she sobered up around the same time. So during this period, that was probably your intention as well. My mother somehow managed to never neglect me. This is most likely a miracle and I am not claiming that it was easy or that I didn't go without. However, I just want to ask you what you were doing that was different? Aside from not taking the responsibility she was taking, you were exhibiting the same behaviors as she was. In recent years, I have even heard stories of you giving parenting advice to one of my sisters. This is laughable at best. You seem to only take interest in your children after the age of 18, and as a result you have no business pretending that you are now or ever have been any more then a glorified sperm donor.

In conclusion, I want you to know a couple of things. First off, I really do not harbor any ill feelings toward you. In fact, I rarely even think of you. For the most part, I really pity Kena, Jeff, and Mandi for still seeking your approval and bothering to try and foster a relationship with you. I know that they are never going to get what they need. I envy Marissa for realizing this sooner. She was definitely the most perceptive out of all of us. I have never really felt that I missed out on anything by not having a father. I am not sure why, but it works for me. I know that you will never see the light. I know that you will never change your behavior and you will never understand what you have done wrong. I can only hope that when the day comes that you are standing before God, it will dawn on you. Secondly, my threat toward your wife stands. I see no reason for us to be in the same city with one another. But for the sake of warning her, I wanted to let you know. I have grown as a person quite a bit in the last 5 years but I doubt I will ever grow enough to overlook anyone insulting my mother. If the occasion ever comes to pass that we meet, she should stay 50 feet away from me at all times.

Thank you for your time and your semen,

Molly

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Man, I guess my life is just too boring to be blogged about. I just have had nothing to write for the past couple of weeks. I am still dealing with overwhelming fatigue and sleeping quite a bit. I am having trouble eating right because nothing sounds good. And I am drinking so much water that I think I might turn into liquid very soon.

I have my first "official" appointment with my midwife tomorrow. That means that instead of just talking we will actually begin my maternity care. I am really excited because finally getting maternity care makes this seem so much more real. I am very anxious to hear the baby's heart beat and get my pregnancy confirmed so that I can start getting WIC and seeing the MSS nurse from the base.

We found out today that Archer has warts. Since he is so young, there really isn't anything that can be done about them. We just have to watch and hope that they go away. I feel bad for him because warts are no fun and they are recurring, meaning that he started early and will probably always get them. Poor little guy, he is doomed to a life of wartiness like his dad.

We are still waiting on the "official" orders to Lemoore, CA but Dave knows for certain that is where he is being sent. He just needs to get a hard copy so that we can start planning. I am so ready to move and get off of this island.I would move tomorrow if they would let us.

Other than that, there really is nothing to report.

I Feel Like I am at a Standstill

I am at one of those points in life where I feel like there are a bunch of things that I should be doing. But I can't seem to get any of them done. I really need to make dentist appointments, but I am waiting on new dental insurance cards. I need to get on WIC, but I am waiting to get confirmation of my pregnancy from an O.B. I want to start having Maternity Support Services come to my home, but again I need pregnancy confirmation. I want to start seeing a personal trainer at the gym, but I need to wait til after I see an O.B. and get the okay. I want to start buying nursery furniture, bedding, and diapers for the new addition. But I think I need to wait until I know when and where we will be moving before I start adding stuff in that we need to pack.

I hate the feeling that I need to do things but I can't do them. It makes me feel powerless and I have come to the conclusion that I am kind of a control freak. I am hoping that I can get the pregnancy confirmation stuff done in the next couple of weeks. I might just go to the on base Urgent Care clinic and take a pregnancy test to speed things up. The WIC would really help us out with our grocery bill. The grocery bill is the most financially draining aspect of our lives.

I am also really anxious about our impending move. I hate not knowing when we will go and not knowing where exactly we will be living. Especially since it is going to be right around my due date. It sort of makes me feel homeless, which isn't really a cool feeling. I am really excited to be getting off of this God forsaken island. I just wish that things in the Navy were more cut and dry. I think it is part of the way that they test the sailors that they make things so strange and difficult.

In other news, I have horrible early pregnancy fatigue and have been sleeping 18 hours a day. I am really lucky that my husband doesn't care because he could easily get very resentful over this. I am only 7 weeks pregnant so I have about 5 more weeks until this phase is over. I am really hoping it is right at the 12 week mark that things start to turn around because I hate feeling like this!

What Fun I've Been Having!

I really like to wind down my day by bumming around on the computer and listening to music. To do this, I sometimes use a website called Project Playlist but most of the time I use I tunes. Dave and I both have I pods and we are Mac users, so we have I tunes on our computer. Lately I noticed that Dave has literally every CD he has ever owned and every piece of music he loves uploaded to I tunes. I also noticed that all of my music is newer music that I just discovered, downloaded, or recently felt like hearing. Upon this realization, I embarked on a mission. I am currently working on uploading every single CD from the two cases I own. I haven't purchased a CD in a long time, so there isn't much in these cases that is very current. However, it has been a blast.

I have very eclectic taste in music. I love country, hip-hop, electronic music, classic rock, alternative, pop, and pretty much anything else there is. These CDs that I am working on uploading range from Sum 41 to Eminem to Mark Wills to DJ Sasha to Elton John. If a random stranger were to look through my I tunes playlist, they would either think it was shared by 6 different people or they would think that I was schizophrenic. But I can say one thing about this mission of mine...I am absolutely having a blast doing it.

Today alone, I have listened to two different 'N Sync albums, a bunch of Eminem's older stuff, every Smashing Pumpkins album ever made, and the soundtrack to Blow. There was also about an hour long interval where I danced like a crazy person to an old Savage Garden CD. It has been a very musically liberating day for me.

One of the most wonderful things about listening to all of this music is that it reminds me of so many different things. Some of it reminds me of high school, some of middle school, some of parties, there are football games, rides home from school with friends, movies that I love, boys that I thought I loved, and it mostly reminds me of me.

I sometimes forget how much I have changed and evolved in the past 23 years. And I am always amazed at how powerful music can be. It takes a powerful entity to take a person through 23 very different years and simultaneously invoke memories and emotions that had been long forgotten. Right now, as I sit here at 2:20 a.m. listening to an old Goo Goo Dolls CD, all I can think of is how blessed I am. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to relive 23 years through song and I am very optimistic about filling the next 23 years with more memories and different songs.

Images

I think that it is mainly because I have been doing so much reflecting lately that this posting has come about...

Isn't it kind of odd how certain things commit to our memory as single images? So instead of reviewing our lives like a film, we review it like a slide show. I may be young, but I have experienced a lot of things in my life and I have a lot of images. Some of them are the strangest things, given the event that they coincide with. You would think that since they are burned so strongly in my brain, I would have remembered a different image.

I am not posting this to analyze the images or even to really ponder them. I actually just want to share them. Some of them are sad. Some of them are happy, but they are the images that I associate with some of the most defining events of my life.

I have one image of my mom with a pipe to her mouth, trying to spark the lighter. She was sitting at the kitchen table, laughing. I can picture the dishwasher behind her, the phone cord on the wall. I can see the table. Whoever was smoking with her was cut off by the wall. (One of the many times I caught my mom using drugs)

I have an image of a smashed jar of jelly, half covering my feet in my grandmas laundry room. I can picture the jelly and the floor and the cabinet right next to me.(This is the first time I remember being yelled at by my grandmother)

I see a dead mouse caught in a trap at the house across the street.(I don't know why)

I picture four of my friends ahead of me, running up the hill. I can see what order they are on, what they are wearing, and who is located where in the street. At the top of the hill, I can see a car and it's in pieces.(When my friend Charlie had a car accident, she died)

I see my daughter. Eyes close, mouth wide open. There are no teeth in her mouth. I remember really nothing but how toothless she was. (The first time I held my daughter)

I can see my best friend crying and looking down at my legs and the end of the hospital bed. (When I had my son)

I can see the ceiling of the ambulance and the blanket covering my feet. (When I tried to kill myself)

I can picture the church and the priest at the pulpit. I can see the backs of all of my family member's heads. (I could probably name the order they were sitting in the pew in front of me). I can see my grandma standing in front of the altar, speaking. (At my uncle's funeral)

I can see my step-mom sitting in a recliner in her living room. The T.V. is playing in the background and she has her legs folded underneath her. She is turned and facing me. My step sister is sitting on the floor in front of me and my father is standing in the doorway. (My step-mom is making fun of me, as usual)

I can see a man grabbing a box of teddy grahams from me and making an ugly face at me. I can picture his kitchen. The floors, the cabinets, the fridge, and the back door. (One of my moms many boyfriends)

Those are just a few of the memories that stand out the most in my mind. Most of them are several years past and some are over a decade old. I just have these images burned into my mind and they all have to do with something that I think I will remember forever.

Something New

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to my relationships with other people. This includes my mom, my grandmother, my in-laws, my husband, friends, and pretty much everyone and every thing that could be considered a relationship. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am very stunted. I think that I can be picky. I think that I am very set in my ways. I also have a long history of bad relationships.

I let people take advantage of me. Usually it is the people that I call friends that get away with the most. There are multiple people who owe me money. People have stolen from me. People have allowed me to carry them and then just dropped me when I stood up for myself. My relationships with the people that I call friends are some of the most devastating and difficult I have experienced in my life.

Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe it's me. Maybe I am sowing something along the way that causes people to treat me the way that they do. Even in some of my healthier friendships, I am the one who does all of the calling and the inviting. It has always been this way for me. I can remember having friendships like that as far back as elementary school. I end up feeling like I am desperate and hanging onto friendships that aren't reciprocated. It's a very lonely feeling. It's humiliating. It also causes me to feel very lonely.

However lately I have really been thinking about it. I have actually gone back through my friendships and played them in my head and analyzed them. I don't think I am the perfect friend. In some cases I have been the bad friend. In some cases, I have done some pretty crappy things. But the more I look back and reflect the more I feel that people who like to take advantage are attracted to my people pleasing, co-dependent nature.

I have come to a place where I most certain that it is not always my fault. I have also realized that in most cases it hasn't been my fault. I do share responsibility for the way that things work out because my co-dependency and eagerness to please do lay the path for what happens. However, I realized that I am a good person and I am good friend. I realized that I need to be more selective of whom I associate myself with.

In certain cases, I have given so much of myself that it almost destroyed me. When I wasn't feeling like I was getting anything in return I would begin to feel lonely. Then I would give more, thinking that would help. It didn't. It has always just caused the takers to take until I was drained. It hurts to think of how many people that I have called my friends have done this to me. I want to move on without losing the fact that I am a giver. I want to grow to be a person who can give without being a doormat. Hopefully with some work, that change can come about.

Getting Back to Business

I had a horrible few weeks. I got sick, really sick, and that caused my depression to become overwhelming. I was literally a zombie for the past few weeks but I am happy to say that I have finally begun to snap out of it. The worst part of the way that I was feeling was that I had horrible, horrendous fatigue. I was sleeping about 18 hours out of the day. Whenever I could be asleep, I was. I attributed it to the depression and the illness combined and I simply thought that I was once again giving my depression a foothold. However, this week that all changed.

I found out that my husband and I are expecting! We are absolutely thrilled to be adding to our family, as we always knew that we weren't done yet. But more than that, I was relieved beyond words to know that the fatigue was not my fault. I wasn't giving in to illness and depression. Fatigue is a very common symptom of early pregnancy. While I do concede that I might be a bit more prone to it and that I might be a little more prone to allowing it to go too far, it was like being reborn to find out that I had not just been a depressed mess for that whole time. I had thought that I was failing at my goals when I really was not.

So now it is onward and upward. I get to start planning a home birth and will be meeting with a midwife next week. I am really hoping that she is a suitable fit as she is the only one anywhere near me. After I meet with her, I am going to start looking for a doula. We were wise enough to save most of the baby gear that we need so over the next 8 months I am going to start slowly purchasing the few things that we will need for the new addition. We have already been diligently debating names.

I spent a lot of time in bed over the past few weeks and I really had some time to reflect. There are some new things that I will be addressing in the coming weeks. Things that I think I just need to put out there so that I can move away from them. The past couple of days I have been feeling much much better than I have in over a month. I am optimistically looking forward to getting fatter and to moving soon to a new command.

I had to make one very difficult decision that I definitely think is for the best. I am not attending school this quarter. It will be January before I am enrolled again and I will be enrolled through a college in my home state. As far as my credits, graduation, and degree plans go this is the best thing I can possibly be doing. If I go this route, I will lose less credits in the transfer process and I will be able to graduate more quickly. I will also have an easier and more clear cut means of pursuing my history degree. I am pretty bummed because I was looking forward to the fall quarter. I missed school over the summer and I was anxious to get back to work. But I really feel that I have made the optimal decision. I just wish that I had looked into everything before the fall semester back home began. Had I been a bit more proactive, I could be enrolled right now.

I plan on getting back into writing here and hope to be back to posting daily. I hope that there will be some positive and interesting reading to come in the next month.

Downward

I feel like I have nowhere to go besides down these days. I have been sick, which makes it hard for me to get out of bed. I haven't been getting things done, which sucks. I have nothing in order for school next week and I am nervous. I am just so damn unmotivated lately that I don't know what to do with myself. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we should be out of here in about 7 months. I can't wait. I just want to feel better.

It's Been a Decent Week

I can safely say that this week was alright. I haven't really left the house, which is something I really need to work on. But I did have company one night and that was really nice. I have been on top of working out and cleaning all week, so I have been getting the things done that I have needed to do. The only thing I really need to stop putting off is going to the school. It will get me in the end if I don't go and my education is my number one priority right now. I just need to make sure my tuition is on hold until my financial aid comes through, or get a short term loan. It's really just a matter of convincing myself that I can and should leave my house.

I don't know what my deal is with getting out of the house. Sometimes I think that I might have some form of agoraphobia. I get very anxious when I think about leaving. It makes me nervous and afraid. As a result, there are times when I go weeks without leaving. This contributes vastly to my depression. When I finally do get out, I feel instantly better. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I never used to be afraid of the world and I don't know what is causing it now, but I do know that is a major factor in everything that I am dealing with right now.

The fear and difficulty leaving the house is something that I really need to work on. I think that if I could get better about getting out, my depression would become less severe almost immediately. Part of the problem is that I don't get invited by anyone to go anywhere anymore, so the only way I get interaction is to invite people over here. I really don't know where I could go by myself. Especially with winter coming it will be hard to get out if I am trying to go out by myself. I really want to make it a goal to get out twice a week and go play somewhere or do something. I just really need some ideas on where to go and what to do since I will be rollin' solo. Next week, I promise myself, I will get out twice. I might even start tomorrow since the husband will be off of work.

Tonight should be a pretty relaxing start to a good weekend. Once Dave gets off tonight he doesn't have to report back to work until Tuesday at 3 p.m. He has a long weekend due to the holiday and I am really happy about it. Today was my day off from working out so I just need to pick up toys, run the vacuum, and shower. Then I plan to watch Project Runway and read. I'm planning to keep up with my workouts all weekend and not slack off and would like to go take a walk or go to the park if the weather permits. We also have a movie that we have been wanting to watch together, so it has been sitting there for two weeks waiting for us to have the time. We shall see how it goes. Here's lookin' forward to improvement.

Well Crap...

Whoopsy Daisy! Last night, I made a menu plan and a grocery list. This morning, I sent Dave to the grocery store and I got ready to drive to an appointment in Mount Vernon. About 10 minutes after he left the house, it dawned on me that at 4 p.m. yesterday the doctor's office called and asked me to push my appointment to a time that wouldn't work for me. So, I had to reschedule. I feel really bad for sending Dave to the grocery store all by himself when I could have gone. He left the cell phone with me since I had to drive an hour, so I couldn't call him and tell him to come back. I might have to let him take revenge on me somehow.

In other news, there is nothing new going on in my life. I need to go and get a short term loan from the school since I turned in my financial aid paperwork late. I also need to work out today and clean the upstairs and start laundry. I have company coming over for dinner and it should be very nice. I will be trying out a new recipe that sounds delicious.

If I come up with something worth sharing later, I will post again!

An Obstacle, Or So He Says

I had the most interesting conversation about myself with Dave last night. In case anyone is unaware, I am a history major and I plan on getting my Ph.D. I am very passionate about history. I love it dearly and I have a tendency to get choked up when I talk about really significant historical events. I also get choked up watching movies or reading about them. It can be kind of embarrassing for me and it happens pretty much any time I really get into a conversation about history.

So last night we were talking about the Holocaust and I was talking about a trip I took to the Holocaust museum and then we moved into a conversation about Operation Valkyrie and then it moved into Anne Frank. Now, the Holocaust can choke anyone up. But me being me, I was really emotional. I was trying to talk with tears streaming down my face.

Once we got to the point that I was done talking, I was really embarrassed because I was so emotional. I said, "Good God. I have no idea how I am ever going to teach or lecture about history. No one will take me seriously because I will be sobbing like a baby the whole time." Dave just smiled at me and said, "Well babe. That is just one more obstacle that you will have to overcome."

I found it really amusing that he said that because I had never thought of it like that before. I know that I get worked up because it is something that I truly care about and feel passionate about. I also think it is great that I am so passionate about the thing I plan to dedicate my life to. I guess I had always just thought of it as something I did.

Facing it down as a challenge will be very interesting. I hope that someday I am able to give powerful, moving lectures and speeches about the past. I really hope that I am able to pass my love of history on to at least one person. Hopefully I can do that without turning on the waterworks!

Two Wonderful Years of Dave...Sort Of

I only say sort of because we have been together for more than two years. Today is the second anniversary of the day that we were married. I know that many people say that their husband is amazing and that they are deeply in love. For many people it is true, but I also know that some say it because it is the right thing to say. For me, it is true.

Dave gets on my nerves. Some days and some moments I just want to punch him right in the nose. He sleepwalks, talks in his sleep, does really weird stuff in his sleep, he procrastinates, has to be nagged incessantly to get anything done, can be more ditzy than the blondes in jokes, is overly passive, sweats a lot, and does many other things that annoy me. He also loves me, copes with me, is patient with me, is a wonderful father, is a wonderful provider, is kind to everyone he meets, makes me laugh incessantly, gives the best hugs, is loyal, is faithful, is a lot of fun to be around, and has many other qualities that contribute to my loving him so much.

One of the key elements of our relationship is laughter. Dave and I genuinely have a great time together. We can pick on each other and laugh. We can pinch each other and smile. Dave is genuinely the most hopelessly goofy person that I have ever met. Some days I wonder if he even knows where he is. But we have a darn good time.

I am still just as amused by Dave as I was the first time that I ever really talked to him. He has been there for me through so very much and he has put up with so much of my crap that it sometimes amazes me that there is still as much laughter in our relationship as there is.

I don't wish to ramble about my relationship. I present to you:

Our Life in Pictures

Note to Reader: Only ONE of these costume pictures was taken on Halloween. That should give you a picture of what kind of man I married =)

Progress is Progress, However Small it May Be

I have been doing better the last couple of days, although I am still sleeping more than I would like. I have been getting things done around the house and not just sitting on my butt when I am awake. Yesterday I had a friend over for a dinner play date and tomorrow I have another friend coming over to hang out. That always helps so much. I am not tired or feel lonely or anything when I have company.

I still really need to get out of the house more, as opposed to just having people come to me. Maybe next week I will make getting out twice my goal. I think a good goal would be to have people over twice and get out twice but I am not sure if that will work. I think I need to take baby steps and that would actually be quite a lot for me. I actually missed a dentist appointment and a doctor appointment this week. I need to reschedule them and take it seriously. My health is important and I also have a tendency to feel better when I get out and accomplish those things. So I am going to shoot for doing those next week.

Thursday is my 2 year wedding anniversary and I plan on really spoiling Dave on that day. He does so much for me. He deals with everything when I sleep all day. At one point, things were so bad with me that he was cooking, cleaning, doing all the laundry, and all the child care. I just woke up and sat here when he was at work. I plan on letting him sleep in and doing all the cooking on Thursday and on Friday in order to celebrate. Since he has to work Thursday, I am doing it both days so that it will be extra special.

I know that lately I have been better about doing all the cleaning and all of the laundry and I am definitely awake more than I was but he is still picking up a lot of slack as far as my sleeping more than I should. My ultimate goal is to be doing most of the cooking (because he does enjoy cooking) and letting him sleep in every morning. I hope it doesn't take me too long to get there. But we'll see, I think that the steps that I am taking are pretty good.

So, I guess I have a couple of set in stone, long term goals that I should state:
1. Get out of the house twice a week.
2. Wake up first every morning and not make Dave do it.
3. Make it to all Dr. appointments and get health issues resolved.
4. Cook at least 4 times per week.

Here are my goals for today:
1. Clean the bathrooms
2. Workout
3. Read
4. Vacuum
5. Clean Kitchen
6. Dust

I already accomplished three of these goals, so I am halfway there for today. I know that I can get it all done. I just need to keep on truckin'.

A New Week

I won't sugar coat things, I have not had a good couple of weeks. That being said, I am determined to make this one a better week. I am determined to work out every day, keep the house clean, not nap, and generally be more functional than I have lately. I've been really sleeping a lot lately and haven't gotten a whole lot done. There are some things that I really need to take care of, and I intend to get it done.

Thursday is my two year wedding anniversary and we will be celebrating on Friday. We are super broke so we don't have any big plans, but I intend on making it awesome and doing it with a $0 budget. I am planning on a small hike during the day and a bottle of wine and a delicious home cooked meal in the evening. Hopefully my darling husband can will himself to actually stay awake through a movie, considering it's a special occasion.

This week will be all about me getting back to basics. I need to get back on the track that I was on a couple of weeks ago. I don't like being miserable the way that I have been for the last couple of weeks. The whole point of this blog is my journey away from misery, and I know in my heart that I took a few steps back this last couple of weeks. That being said, I am determined to get my butt back in gear.

Here is my rundown of things I need to do today:
1. Thorough cleaning
2. Workout
3. Start Laundry
4. Read (I have a book that is taking me entirely too long to finish)

Here is a rundown of other things I need to get done this week:
1. Dentist
2. Doctor
3. Therapy
4. Stop by school at some point
5. Give Dave a day to sleep in
6. Buy Stamps

I Feel...

...like every time I start taking steps forward, I take 3 steps back in return. It's such a horrible feeling. I just feel like I can't get ahead. I've been sleeping a lot again lately and in turn missing out on a lot and putting a lot of responsibility on Dave. I feel like my headaches play a big part in it and luckily that will be remedied soon. However, I feel like the depression mixed with the headaches makes my problem 1,000 times worse. I just have these days where I can't get myself out of bed. The worst part is at the end of the day, when I hear bath time and bedtime starting, I feel so left out. I know, at that moment, that I have missed out on a whole, wonderful day with my family and it breaks my heart. But it doesn't change things. I still can't get out of bed. I think about it. I try. But I always end up back there. I am hoping that next week, when I up my dosage of antidepressant, I will see some real improvement. The fact is that right now I am having one bad day for every good day that I have.

I just cannot go on like this. I feel like a bad wife, a bad mom, and a bad friend. Not to mention I feel like a bad person. I want to be up and out and happy. I want to be doing things, getting things done and having some fun. But it just isn't happening and it makes me wonder if I will ever get to the point where I am "better." At this point in my life, I would actually be more than happy with "OK." I start school next month and I am terrified that the bad days will start to outweigh the good and I will get bad grades. I just don't even know what to do or where to turn anymore. I feel like things are never going to start looking up.

Yesterday and Today

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I managed to keep myself too busy and then to be exhausted from being so busy. I started off the day by going to my doctor appointment at 9 a.m. I really liked the new doctor and found her to be interested and helpful. She started me off on a low dose of Celexa (really low, 5 mg) and had me get blood drawn to check my thyroid. I am set to return in two weeks to see how the meds are working and to get the results of my blood work and discuss my weight issue. I was not too impressed with the facility that she worked in, but I think a good doctor outweighs a bad facility.

I came home and spent the rest of the day doing things around home. I managed to complete all but one thing off of my list for yesterday, which was one thing that I decided yesterday was too early to do. We had a pretty good day yesterday and Dave even got home pretty early last night, which was really nice because he has been really tired.

Today I have to go to the dentist, which I am really looking forward to doing. I have TMJ and have needed to begin the process to treat it for quite some time. The headaches and back and neck aches are almost unbearable. They are a big contributor to my ability to sleep all day long. It's very easy to be lazy when your body hurts. I am hoping the dentist will be able to fit me for a splint to bite on. My mom has one, because she has TMJ too, and it has done her wonders.

Since I didn't post yesterday, here is my to-do list for today:
1. Dentist
2. Vacuum Downstairs
3. Put Away Laundry
4. Play outside

Not very much to do, but it's still important that I get it done.

Last night, I realized something about myself that kind of sucks. I realized that I have a tendency to alienate people. In part, my depression is to blame because I can be extremely moody. I tend to get grumpy and then just kind of be mean. Sometimes it's not even mean, it's bitchy and rude. Other times I get sulky which causes me to act in a way that I don't really intend upon behaving. In all honesty, when I wonder why I don't have a lot of friends I don't really get tremendously sad about it. I am not a super social person and I am actually fine with only having one or two good friends. But it occurred to me that sometimes even the friendships that I consider good ones fail, and I think that a lot of the time my unpredictable and difficult to understand mood swings could be responsible.

Thinking about this made me wonder if I am well suited to be a friend to anyone right now. I am still not sure. I know that I am in a place where I need a lot of support. But I also know that as a friend, I need to be supportive. It's difficult for me to do that at this time because I am so focused on bettering myself and simply getting out of bed in the morning. I need to learn to balance focusing on me and lending support if I want to succeed in establishing meaningful friendships with the women here. I have friends back home, it's here that I am lacking. I just have a tough time getting past my own crap.

I still hold to what I said about having friends that I need to weed out of my life. But that's all back home. People with drama and craziness, some of whom have been my friends forever but we have changed too much and it isn't working. Here, I don't even hardly have any friends. And the ones I do have don't seem to like me very much anymore. They seem to have given up on me, or they don't really understand me, or maybe they just figured out that they never liked me. Either way, I am lonely.

And above all else, I feel like I am failing as a mom for not providing socialization. I cried for over an hour last night at the thought of dragging my family down with me because of my own social problems. It's really hard for me because I just don't do well with people. Even the ones I initially do well with, I blow it and it isn't just me that suffers. Sometimes we all do and it isn't fair. I need to work on being a better friend and an easier person to be around. It's something I am really committed to changing during this process. So everyone, wish me luck.

It Can't All Be Perfect

I am totally bummed out and disheartened right now. I had such a good week last week and now today and yesterday were officially bad days. I didn't write on Friday or Saturday because they were both awesome and fulfilling days.

Friday started out normally enough being that it was Dave's day off. But then we found out that our friends from Colorado, a married couple were about 20 minutes away from our home. We knew that they were up here hiking and doing the outdoor adventure thing, but we never expected them to come so close to our place. We seized the opportunity and invited them to dinner. It was very exciting for us because this was the first time that we were able to have friends from back home in our place. Everyone always says that they will visit, but no one ever does. It was wonderful to cook them dinner and have them see where we live. They stayed and visited with us for a while and it truly was a wonderful beginning to a wonderful weekend.

On Saturday we woke up to some pretty horrible news from our family back home. It was really horrible and it makes it even more difficult that we are so far away and can't really do anything but worry. Shortly after getting that news, we got up and going and drove to Seattle to spend the day sightseeing with our friends from out of town. They are in way better shape and way more athletic than we are so we spent the entire day just walking around and seeing as much of Seattle as we possibly could. It was pretty awesome because we are super broke and we managed to have an awesome day in the city without spending all of our money. We did eat lunch and ride the ferry but that is moderate compared to what we usually spend.

It is unbelievable how much more fun things are when you do them with friends. Dave and I have been to Seattle several times and we have seen a lot of the city. Both of us have enjoyed it very much. But none of those excursions has been as much fun as Saturday. It was just more enjoyable to share it with people that we care about. I wish that our other friends would come and see Seattle and let us show them around. It would be so much fun. But either way, I am very glad that we got to do it at least once.

I don't know what happened yesterday. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe I was bummed out over the bad news. Maybe I was sad that our friends had to leave. But for some reason, I slept til noon. Then I got up and proceeded to do nothing all day. I didn't clean up, workout, or even shower. I was ready for bed by 7 pm and I didn't accomplish a thing. Then this morning, I slept til noon as well. When I finally woke up, I felt terrible. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I forced myself to get up and take a shower. I then cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms. I am now sitting here writing this. I still need to dust and vacuum the living room and workout. I need to force myself to do these things. All day yesterday I just felt like I wanted to curl up in bed and die. I can't let myself slip into feeling that way again. I felt that I had come so far last week. I don't want to backtrack. I want to move forward.

So for today, I need to:
1. Dust Livingroom
2. Vacuum Livingroom
3. Workout

It doesn't seem like much but the way I am feeling, I am really going to have to convince myself to get those three little things done. I will do them though. I don't want to lose out on all of the progress that I have made recently. Here is my list for tomorrow:

1. Dr. appt.
2. Workout
3. Clean up living room
4. Clean up bedrooms
5. Get started on laundry
6. Make menu for next 2 weeks

Money Matters

I am fortunate enough to have a friend that is good with her money. She knows what she is doing and manages her family budget very well. Since Dave and I are having some issues right now, she was kind enough to come over this evening and share her knowledge with me. Let me just pause to thank her, again. It was awesome and I am now really excited. I am excited to have some new tools and yet another area of my life to begin to improve.

I have never been "terrible" with money. I always get the bills paid and put food in the 'fridge before doing anything else. But I wouldn't say that I have things covered. We don't have savings and we tend to be really broke, right after payday. It's something that I have recently begin feeling that I need to work on. I need to make it so that our finances are a more secure area of our lives, as opposed to just an area where we scrape by. Now that I have had some guidance and know that I have someone that I can come to with questions, I am eager to begin working on it. I already have a plan in mind to reduce our next grocery bill. Let's just all hope it works. I am also starting on the budget that was given to me tonight. I need to do some 'fill in the blank' work and start taking a deeper look at things. I hope to have some new developments in this area to write about in the coming days.

We did end up having to go to the Relief Society today. When I was faced with having Dave's next paycheck be partially gone by the time it got here, I freaked. We would just have to go in two weeks if that happened, so I figured that we had better get it over with. We are now out of overdraft, have all the bills paid, and have about $150 to get us through until the 15th. Since we only need one or two more ingredients for the recipes we have planned, I think that this is more than sufficient and doable. There will be no entertainment, but I love to read and have books piled up and we have a Blockbuster Online subscription in place. I really don't think we need much more than that.

I received another item of good news today in the mail. I got my transcript evaluation back from my school today. I am to the point where I only need 23 more credit hours to be finished with my AA degree. This translates to roughly 5 classes. However, since I need to satisfy some additional math courses it leaves me looking at about 9. This is pretty awesome news. 3 classes per quarter is full time and 3 quarters per year is typical (since I want to take a summer break). I guess I will be done with my AA in May of 2010! Which means I will be done with my BA in May of 2012! I like having a time line for school, finally. I am already 23 and I was afraid I would be into my early 40s by the time I finished my Bachelor's. Since I want to go all the way to a Ph.D. finishing my BA in my forties would really suck. I wouldn't get much enjoyment out of being Dr. B. if it took me that long. I now have the end of one of my goals in sight and that makes me feel really powerful.

I have had such an awesome week so far. I am really proud of myself. The only day this week during which I have stayed in my PJs was yesterday. Even then, I did things. I managed to have a good day, even though it was a bit more lazy and low-key than the other days have been. I have gotten the things done that I said I would and I feel like moving around and being active are really helping me to control my moods. I am starting to think that half of the battle was for me to start to push myself toward change. Once I took charge I noticed almost immediately that things started to get better. Posting here is a big help as well. It causes me to examine my days and to feel like I need to have something to post, therefore I need to do something. It's amazing to me how much the small steps have helped me out thus far.

I know that I still have a long way to go in this uphill battle. I just can't help but feeling like I am victorious every single day that I don't fall into my old patterns. Though I will admit that I have been feeling a little lonely lately. I wish that I had been more active in play dates and the like from the start, because now I feel like I need to start from scratch again. I know that a lot of people have given up on including me and making plans with me and I know that I am at fault for that. You can only have a person cancel on you so many times before you throw in the towel. The important thing is that I know in my heart that I just need to keep on trying. I need to keep asking people to hang out and showing up when I make plans and I think that eventually I won't be as lonely. At least I hope so. It could turn out that I am just socially inept and not that likable. That would suck and I really hope it's not the case, so I am going to press on.

Tomorrow is Dave's first day off for the weekend. I am really hoping for good weather so that we can go to the kiddie pool at the beach. We spent a lot of time there last year but we have yet to go this year. I think it would be a nice way to spend an afternoon. If it isn't quite sunny enough for the pool, I would at least like to go on a walk or go to a park. Some fresh air would do the B-Fam a lot of good. Tomorrow should be pretty lazy and casual but I am still going to make a small list of goals before I go:

1. Get pictures hung up (This is actually Dave's job,but he takes lots of prodding)
2. Put away laundry
3. Vacuum
4. Finish up budgeting papers
5. Get out of the house at some point
6. Work Out

Whoop Whoop

Make sure you say that whoop whoop in a really shrill, annoying voice. It loses meaning otherwise.

I had another day of fulfilling all of my tasks on my list. Well, one was modified. We played at a friends instead of outside. It was kind of gloomy. I still think it counts though. I'm taking credit.

I did have some kind of lame news from my school. I slacked for too long and now I have to get a short term loan to pay my tuition until my financial aid comes through. It kind of sucks because hassling with financial aid really sucks. But the fact remains that I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. So tomorrow, I will be applying for the short term loan. Next Monday I will pick my classes. Next Wednesday, I will be selling my books from last quarter back to the school. Then I can enjoy the rest of my break and look forward to a new year.

I really like school. I like learning. I like knowing things. It's really amazing to me how empowering it is to get an education. I feel like I am bettering myself every time I see one of my grades. I honestly think that I could get my Ph.D. in History and then just move right in to getting another Bachelor's in some other subject. I would really like an English Literature degree at some point. I also think it would be nice to have a degree in Art History. I know so many people who find school to be boring (my husband is one of them). I just am not one of those people. I remember getting bored in school, but that usually had to do with me being a little bit ahead of my class. Only once in all of high school did I have to cling to every word the teacher said to get through class. That was an Economics class and I worked my butt off for a B. It was totally humbling. That class really put me in my place. I should take another Economics class as an elective someday again. I really would like to conquer that subject someday.

David and I did Day 2 of our 30 Day Challenge and man was it tough. I am so sore, I had to take the stairs one at a time. I like it though, it makes me feel like I am making progress. I just can't wait to start seeing results. I have such a long way to go. I have so much weight to lose that sometimes it can be discouraging. I will sometimes have to fight the urge to snack. What goes through my head is, "Well I am going to be fat forever so who really cares." Then I have to tell myself, "Do you really want to be fat forever? Because you don't have to be,unless you want that for yourself." I usually play this out and then put down whatever it is that I shouldn't be eating and move on. I switched my weigh in day to Monday, so I have almost a whole week still before I do another weigh in. I am so eager to see what this new workout can do for me that it makes me feel silly to be so excited to step on a scale. Maybe I really am growing as a person and learning to appreciate the simple pleasures of life! (Haha)

In other positive news for the day: I started seeing my therapist today. She actually gave me a compliment, or at least I took it as one. She said that I have a good sense of myself and I have a good grasp on my issues and what they are. So basically, we are going to do an inventory of me. I will be seeing her once a week for a while to do said inventory. We are just going to look back and see which things from my past and present may be bothering me. We are going to take those things and work on them and hope that it alleviates my depression. She said asking for antidepressants at my M.D. appointment next week is a good idea, at least until I start to a very solid grasp on my depression. I really liked her. She made me feel comfortable and I didn't think it sounded like she just wants to see me forever and take all of Dave's hard earned money from us. I am looking forward to working with her. I really do feel like there are a couple of things that I would benefit from talking about.

I know it sounds like today was all sunshine and roses, but it wasn't. As of right now, Dave and I are very broke. Our trip totally drained us financially. We have all the bills paid except one (I keep forgetting to call Comcast, ooops) and we have food in the fridge and I have a little tiny bit of cash. But our grocery bill was outrageous and I seriously do not have any idea how we are going to last until payday. We may have to do something we have previously said we would never do. We may have to go to the Navy Marine Corps. Relief Society.

It's not that I have anything against asking for help when it's needed. It's that I always think that there simply must be someone out there that I am "stealing" the money from. I can't stand the thought of taking money that someone else could have used more. But, one of our checking accounts is in overdraft and the other is down to change. So I think we are not going to have a choice this time. From what my understanding is, NMCRS gives you $300. That should get us out of overdraft and leave about $150 which we can definitely get through two weeks with. The other thing is, I can't stand the thought of adding another bill into the mix. I am not sure how the $300 gets repaid, but I know you have to repay it. We have enough bills to pay. We can and do manage to pay them and feed ourselves, but we can't and shouldn't add another one. If we do, we will start sinking slowly.

I think I need to read some money management books and take stock of things. Other than student loans, we are lucky enough to be pretty much debt free. That doesn't change the fact that we have absolutely no savings and we can't afford "extras" such as oil changes, new tags for the car, copays for medical, or anything that might come up unexpectedly each month. It's not fun to live like this. Part of me knows that my money management skills are not the whole problem. E3 pay is jack squat and I can't budget when there isn't enough money to budget. But I still wish that there was something more that I could do.

In conclusion, here is my list for tomorrow:
1. Apply for Short Term Loan
2. Clean the Bathrooms
3. Some sort of interaction with a non-family member
4. Make a Dentist appointment
5. Wash Diapers

As an afterthought, I wonder how massively my daily lists will grow once school starts. I will be including schoolwork, so I think they might triple. Isn't life grand?

A Few Things About Today

Today, I succeeded in accomplishing everything that was on my list from yesterday. Maybe I should make that a daily thing. I could make a list every day of what I need to accomplish the next day. Then I could revel in my victory whenever I accomplish everything on my list. I mean, I did start this blog in order to hold myself accountable. That would probably be a good way. I suppose I will conclude this entry by making tomorrows list.

Aside from all that jabber, although the things on my list got done they got done out of order. Why? Well that's easy. The Navy is strange and unpredictable! Dave got a phone call yesterday at 3:30 and was asked why he was not at work. He responded that as far as he was aware he was supposed to report to work at 6:30 a.m. today. Well, he was wrong. He had been switched to the night shift. Thanks to a very awesome friend babysitting, I was able to go to the grocery store by myself and spend the $220 that we don't have to spend. (We spent an additional $60 today, LAME) At first, I was really bummed out and TOTALLY skeptical of the night shift. However, today played out rather nicely and I think we are going to establish a pretty good routine for as long as this shift lasts.

While I accomplished a lot today and the routine was good, there is one thing that was not good today...ARCHER. I think he misses Colorado. It was a place where he got whatever he wanted, had crowds of people appreciating him, and he could do no wrong. He spent two weeks getting totally spoiled. As a result, today he was totally rotten. He cried, he whined, he hit me in the face with things...It was not a good day on the Archer's Mommy front. The thing is, I am not going to cave. He has rules. He knows the rules. There are boundaries. He's cute,but he's a person. The reign of terror shall be quashed, hopefully by next week.

Despite my accomplishments, the night shift, and my rotten child; I managed to make a decision today that I think has been a long time coming. I have decided to cut back. This may sound cruel, heartless, and a little weird but I am going to cut back on friends. Lately I have realized that I am not in a place where I can tolerate and handle certain things. Some of these things relate to parenting style, some relate to attitude, some relate to lifestyle, and some relate to personality. I feel so lame and cliche writing this, however it really is an "it's not you, it's me" situation. I pride myself on my tolerance, my ability to accept people. I love that I am nonjudgmental. Being tolerant and nonjudgmental does not mean that I can take more than anyone else. I have my limits. When I am stressed to the max and battling my personal demons, there are just certain things that I can't handle being around. It doesn't mean that I really care how you parent. I doesn't mean I really care how you vote. It doesn't mean that I really care what you do at all. I don't have a problem with other peoples lives. I just sometimes realize that being physically, mentally, and emotionally around certain things is really hard for me. I'm not judging, I promise.

That being said, I am somewhat passive aggressive. My tactic is going to be to just stop contacting these people. If they contact me, we will talk but I will be holding them more at arms length. I'm not mean. I am not going to do anything harsh. I doubt these people will even realize that we are losing touch. I just am so non-mean that I don't want to say, "Hey, you live in a way that is really agitating to my currently fragile state of mind." I would rather just employ the phase-out method and let it be nice, peaceful, and on good terms.

So in conclusion,here is my list for tomorrow:

1. Play outside
2. Work Out
3. Drop off paperwork at school
4. Therapy appointment (hooray!)
5. Laundry
6. Cleaning

Then Again, Maybe Not

Well you know what? I sure talked a big game when I was in Colorado and feeling a lot better. But then we got home, cleaned, and went to bed. And 'lo and behold, I wake up at 10:30 this morning. Dave has been up for 3 hours already. And now I just want to camp out in front of this here 'puter and not leave my house. However, I need to help him unpack and I need to make a meal plan and grocery list. I also need to work out tonight. I need to get myself on track, but for some reason being here just makes me want to crawl right back into bed for as long as I can.

I could try to pin it on exhaustion from my trip. I could try to say today was different because yesterday was such a long day. But I know, deep down, that I just wanted to stay in bed. So I did. By the time I woke up, it was nap time already. I missed the whole morning. And what idea popped into my head? "Well it's nap time so technically I could go back to bed." I had to fight my urge. I have to fight my urge to stay in front of this computer. I shouldn't even really finish writing this blog.

I have this plan for tomorrow. It goes like this:
1. Wake Up
2. Do Breakfast
3. Get dressed
4. Go to the playground behind our townhouse
5. Come back
6. Commence Nap time
7. Work Out during nap
8. Clean up house during nap
9. Make 2 Very Important Phone Calls During Nap
10. Play online the remainder of nap time
11. End Nap
12. Play with my offspring
13. Dave comes home
14. Dave cooks dinner
15. Bath Time
16. Bed Time

However, if today is any indication of my ability to stick to my optimism I am kind of nervous. I want to overcome this. I want to do all of these things. But I just don't know if I can. I just don't know if I will.

The good thing is, right now I plan on sticking to my guns. I plan on playing out my optimistic plans. I am going to wrap up this entry, take my butt upstairs, and help my husband unpack the 150 pounds of luggage that he just dragged into the house. After that, I am going to fold diapers. Then I will print out a calendar, make a meal plan, and make a grocery list. Then, I shall shower and we shall shop. I am going to accomplish everything that I wanted to do today. Even though I am starting 3 1/2 hours later than I had initially intended. Over and out.

Almost at the End of Our Trip

I am kind of sad that our trip is winding down now. We have really had a good vacation. I never thought that we would come home and treat it like a vacation but this time we did. We did actual tourist-y things that we would never have done before, when we lived here. We only have today and tomorrow left of actually being here and then we travel on Saturday. I am really going to miss being "on vacation." When you are a Navy family living on E3 pay, vacations aren't something to be taken for granted.

The only regret I have about this trip is that I really didn't get to spend too much time with my mom. Since we stayed with my grandma and my in-laws, I didn't even see her every day and some days I only saw her for a few minutes. It kind of sucks because I love my mom, but it is her attitude and behavior that set this up the way it is. It's her issues at home and with her husband that are the cause. So really, what else could I have done? I called her. I text messaged her. I asked her to do things. We initially asked to stay with her. There has to be some middle ground and I do feel like I put forth my best effort. We managed to both see and spend time with everyone that we wanted to see when we were planning our trip. No one has been forgotten and that's pretty good. Usually the last two days of one of our visits rolls around and we are saying, "Darn! We totally forgot about so and so." There will be none of that this time. We had a good two weeks.

The best news of it all is that the detachment my husband was supposed to be sent on was moved up. The people are all leaving on Saturday rather than Sunday, so that means he can't go. He called the other day to check on everything and make sure he had all of the information (trust me, he didn't make this call willingly) and when they found out we didn't return until Saturday afternoon they said that he wouldn't be going. I know it's part of his job and eventually he will have to go on these things, but who can blame me for being super relieved that he doesn't have to go on one the day after we come back from a trip. Not to mention, he is on orders to be here right now. It isn't like he is coming back from leave.

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to lose any weight while on this trip. The good news is that I didn't gain any either. The other good news is that I actually miss working out. I should be able to get right back into the swing of working out and counting points when we get back. I am considering going to Weight Watchers meetings when we return as opposed to just using the online function. I am pretty self conscious and as a result of my depression I am a real homebody, so I think that would be a pretty big step for me. I need to check on the cost though. We can't afford for me to spend any more than I already am on Weight Watchers.

I was going to continue going to the gym with a friend when we return, however I recently gained some knowledge that lead me to change my mind. I was speaking with a couple of friends here in my hometown. Both of these people are incredibly knowledgeable when it comes to fitness and health and weight loss. I was telling them about how when we go to the gym, we just go to the family room and get on the elliptical. They both told me that doing cardio like that is not a good way to go about it. They said that it becomes counterproductive after a while and that if I want to lose weight, tone, and keep it off that I need to do about 20 minutes of cardio and after that I need to be lifting weights. Since I know that these people know infinitely more than I do and I know that one of them struggled with weight her whole life until recently when she educated herself, I believe them.

I am currently weighing my options and devising a plan for a new routine. I think that my husband and I are going to go to the gym together when he gets off of work. He can spend the time doing cardio in the family room while I lift, and then vice versa. I certainly want to lose the weight. I don't want my hard work to be counterproductive. I also could try and do something at home. It really depends on what I think will be the most effective. I would like to try the 30 Day Challenge on my Wii Active and see if that's a good workout. I would also like to try the 30 Day Shred DVDs. I know that both combine lifting and cardio and could be done without worrying about child care, from the comfort of my home. However, like I stated, I am going to choose whichever course will give me the best results from my workout. I would hate to work my butt off (pun intended) on the elliptical, only to find out that I am kind of wasting my time.

I also have my doctor's appointment and my appointment for therapy to look forward to once we get back. I actually made a list of things to discuss with the M.D. so that I go in locked and loaded and get all of my issues addressed. I have child care taken care of for my therapy session and I am immensely excited about it. I also need to call school and start getting my financial aid stuff squared away so that I can take classes this fall. I need to see an advisor and make my schedule. I recently decided that although I really want to finish, I really want to enjoy school. Therefore, I will only be taking two classes per quarter. It will take me longer, but I think I will get more quality out of the time I spend in school.

I have a lot of positivity to look forward to once we finish this trip. I have been active while we were here. I haven't spent my days shut up in the house, napping, or being a bum. I have actually gotten dressed every single day that we have been here. I go weeks without changing into real clothes, usually. I have actually felt like a functioning member of the world these last two weeks. I just need to keep this up. I need to maintain my stride. I need to find something to do every day, even if it is just walking to the playground in our complex. I feel like I should return to our house chanting, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." I think I can keep this up, I know I can keep this up. I have really been victorious over my depression this last 2 weeks. I need to keep myself on this level. This could be the turning point. I want this to be where things start going uphill.