Bittersweet.

Last year on July 24Th, it was the first time I ever intentionally planned and did something fun on that day. It was the six year anniversary of the death of a very dear friend of mine. It was the anniversary of the deaths of two other friends as well. It was always a bitter day for me because I have never fully recovered from that loss and I still miss my friend every day. However, after six years I decided it was time that I start to heal. I went and saw Amos Lee on that day, because he is my favorite musical artist and I couldn't pass up the concert. It was wonderfully healing, sitting there in the grass on a beautiful day, with a good friend, hearing his wonderful music.

Then, we drove home and when we arrived I found out that another old friend had passed away that day. I had not been close with this friend in years, but I was still heartbroken. It was someone whose hugs and smiles I could always count on. My healing day had been interrupted by another loss. My heart has ached for the last year because I have yet to go home and pay my respects to this friend.

On January 24, 2011 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Olwyn. Ever since the moment I lifted him up out of the water (which was in a pool, in my living room, and was totally rad), I have been absolutely smitten with him. He's the happiest baby I have ever met. However, I immediately connected the dates and realized that his half birthday was going to fall on a day that I consider cursed. Nothing good has ever happened to me on July 24Th. I'm not the world's most superstitious person, but I was freaking out. I still sort of am.

Yesterday came and went. I mourned my friends. I prayed for them. I looked up at the sky and told them that I loved them. I also celebrated my baby. My sweet, perfect boy was six month old yesterday. He woke up six months and one day old this morning. Yesterday was sunny and yesterday was a good day. It almost fills like the hole in my heart where my friend was is growing smaller. The memories of her are growing sweeter, just like my son. It was so bittersweet to realize that maybe, just maybe, my son is God's (and Charlie's) way of giving me something sweet to think of on a day that has always been clouded for me.

Maybe I can start finding peace that has eluded me. I know that Charlie, Vanessa, Sam, and Nathan are at peace. I like to think that they would want all of the living to be as well.

The Journey.

I really don't want to be a diet, weight-loss, and running blogger but here this goes anyways:

I have been on a journey since March 1st. That was the day that I started doing the C25K running program as well as the day that I first tracked my points with Weight Watchers. I started out not being able to run for a minute without wanting to die. Now I am training for and registered to race in a 10K. I am also more than 40 pounds lighter and two sizes smaller than I was on March 1st. I have exceeded my wildest dreams of where I would be in less than six months. I feel overwhelming pride and am experiencing a new level of self-love.

This morning, I set a new weight loss goal. I have been setting small goals this whole time and rewarding myself along the way. Today I am rewarding myself by reaching my current weight by going and getting my hair cut and dyed. When I reach this next goal, I am going to go and buy myself new pants and shirts because the ones I have are hanging off of me and I look ridiculous. When I reach my next goal, however, there will be something more significant than clothing that will make it special. The next goal that I set will be my ultimate weight loss goal.

This is both exciting and scary to me. For one thing, it is an accomplishment that I have looked forward to and dreamt of for three years. For another, I am scared of what I will do when I am NOT trying to lose weight. I know that I will keep running because I love it. But will I decide to lose a little more? Will I be able to maintain it? What will I look like? Will I be able to accept and love my body at my goal weight? Or will I always be unhappy with the way that I look?

This has been a long journey for me. I have had to confront the fact that for a long time I was being dishonest with myself about how committed I was to losing weight. I also have had to really evaluate my relationship with and habits concerning food. I have had to confront my expectations and fantasies regarding my body and place them in context of the reality of what I look like. At times I have felt fantastic and there have been low points, but for the most part I cannot believe how much I have learned about myself. I always thought that weight loss commercials were cheesy when they talked about empowerment and inner strength but I have spent the last 5 months eating my words as I learned firsthand that weight loss requires much more than diet and exercise.

I am just hoping that this isn't the end of my journey.

Inspired.

Lately, I have had a lot of trouble feeling inspired to write. But, I have not had trouble feeling inspired in general. I feel inspired all the time these days. Since writing is the only thing not inspiring me right now. I have decided to compose a short list of things that inspire me and how.

My children inspire me to be a better person. I want them to love me.

My husband inspires me to succeed. I want him to be proud of me.

My dog inspires me to be loving. When I feel misanthropic, I can still snuggle him.

Running inspires me to love me. When I run, I feel pretty.

School inspires me to keep going. I am way over the hump. The finish line is in sight. If I can finish this, I can do anything.

Books inspire me to leave my worries behind. Even the things that are the hardest to set in the back of my mind go away when I am wrapped up in a book.

Breathing when I run inspires my faith in God. It's been a long time since I felt that connection, but when I hear myself breathing when I run, I know there's a God.

My exchange student inspires me to slow down. He is so quiet and has trouble understanding me. I have to slow down for him, and it feels pretty good.

My days inspire me to not waste my nights. It's amazing what living more fully during the day will do for a person's sleep patterns.

My mom inspires me to be a good friend.

My grandma inspires me. Period.