I find myself in uncharted waters. Going to school, pursuing a master's degree that I do not know if I will use, working full time in a field that I never even considered a possibility for myself, not having a permanent residence, living almost wholly on the grace and kindness of near strangers, sober for over a year, and parenting only one of my children by myself.
Five years ago, I would have never imagined myself in this position. Honestly, eighteen months ago I could not have imagined my life without ever having another beer again. Going a year without a drink was not something I would have ever thought about seriously. It is amazing where life takes us when we are too busy living it to notice. What is really amazing to me about this unmapped territory in which I find myself, is that I like it.
I feel hope. I feel God. I feel purpose. I feel pretty good about myself five out of seven days of the week right now. Every day, I feel like I have done a damn good job at what has been set before me. First of all, I am an amazing mom. I cannot begin to explain how far I had fallen as a mother before I got sober. I was completely checked out and detached from my beautiful children. Now, I find myself counting the breaths until I can parent them together, as a single mom. The challenge sounds like fun and it sounds doable. I kick parenting's ass every single day, even on my bad days. And I know for sure that my son knows that I love the shit out of him, even when he is being a rotten little turdburgler.
My faith? My faith!!!!!! The most exciting thing in my life right now is my spiritual journey and my walk with God. There have been moments when I don't know what I am going to do next. I literally do not know where I will live after Friday, but I know that I am safe. I know that what is meant to happen will happen and that there will be a reason for it. I also know wholeheartedly that even when I struggle and despair, there is a plan for me and that the ultimate goal of that plan is divine love and unending happiness. This is all new to me. I never imagined that I would feel that kind of connection, largely because I never knew that there would be a day when I would want to. I always thought that I could rely on myself. All that that ever got me was drunk, sad, and divorced. Relying on my Creator takes a whole Hell of a lot off of my mind and I have spent the last year of my life with an almost constant smile on my face.
As far as my job, I don't even know what to say. I LIKE work. Who the fuck likes work? I mean, I actually look forward to doing my job. I want to be amazing at it. I want to do it well and I want to do it for a long time. I majored in history in college, guys. I had no intention ever of working in the medical field. I also never even knew I had the ability to understand vision and how to take care of people's eyes. I knew that I was capable of doing many things, but this particular thing was not even on my radar until recently. What I do know is that there is a reason that I got this job. I could not be happier with what I am doing and I could not feel better about how I am making my living. I am actually excited to wake up and go to work tomorrow. That, my friends, is a gift which I do not intend to take for granted.
This is amazing. My life is not where or what I had mapped out. I am floating in the sea right now. I am completely at the mercy of the waves and the tides. I do not know when I will find land. I do not know if I ever will find land. What I know is that while I drift, I will look up at the stars. I will take every moment that I can to feel grateful. I will take in every breath that I have to feel good about my life and about this journey. Never again will I feel entitled to the stars, the water, the breath, the life, and the moon. My life is a gift. It has become a journey down a path that I had considered off-limits. I have come, only recently, to realize that I am not the captain. I simply have to float, to walk the trail, to stare at the stars, and the soak in the gratitude. I am so blessed. So lucky. So blissful. I am so off-kilter it isn't even funny.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Watch.
I work part-time in the childcare room at a local gym and one of the perks of the job is that I can bring my six-year-old son with my to work when he isn't in school. I like this for two reasons, the first being that I don't like being away from him. One of the perks of my sobriety is that I actually like my kids and want to hang out with them. The second reason is that it eliminates the need for me to ask someone else to babysit.
Yesterday was the first time that the need arose for me to bring him and it was a rough night for us. I have written before, a long time ago, about Archer's personality. He is shy and introverted and he is weird as fuck. Just like his momma, damn it! I am proud to be raising another introvert because I LOVE the fact that I am introverted. I am proud to be raising someone as weird as myself. I love that I have grown into my weirdness and I love that he shows signs of growing into and embracing it sooner than I did.
But yesterday I realized that being a weird, introvert is probably easier for a twenty-eight-year-old who embraces it than it is for a six-year-old who doesn't completely understand it. I watched my son sit in a room full of kids and play alone. I watched him play contentedly for a while and then I watched him look up and watch them longingly. I stood there and observed as he tried multiple times to connect with the other kids and I held back tears as I watched him fail.
He would hear them say something about Pokemon or Minecraft and try to connect, because he had found a shared interest. He was ignored. He asked to play zombies, because he loves zombies, and was told that it was for "the family." I watched him sit in the corner and watch them play and I could see from his face that he was hurting.
I understand that my son is different. I understand his strengths and his weaknesses. I understand his heart and I know what kind of kid he is. He is amazing. He is a good friend, he's incredibly smart, he's funny in a very dry way, he loves animals, his kindness is unmatched, he loves to read, and he shamelessly loves his momma and his daddy. He also loves Jesus, which I think is pretty cool considering he is a product of Dave and myself.
The difficult thing is that he doesn't understand himself. He is six, so he isn't supposed to. He isn't supposed to understand that introverts have a tougher time in today's world. It is my job as his mother to keep him from needing to understand that any time soon. So, I did what I have done before and what I will do again. I fought my instincts, which was to say, "You kids HAVE to play with him," or even "You guys SHOULD let Archer join." I called my son over to me and said, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?" My son said to me that he didn't like the games the other kids were playing, which wasn't surprising to me.
I told him that it is okay to play alone. That it is okay to want to play alone. I told my son that he has a choice, he can play a game that doesn't interest him because he wants the company of other children OR he can play alone and do what he wants to do. I also told him that introverts sometimes take longer to make friends and that we often have fewer friends and than our extroverted peers. However, I also told him that because we take longer we tend to have more intimate friendships and make stronger connections. Then I gave him an idea of something he could do to help me out and keep himself busy for a little while.
I knew what to do because I have read the books. I know how to be and to parent an introvert. I had to fight my instincts because I am a mom. All I want in the whole world is for my son to feel happy in his own skin. I want him to see himselff as I see him and to know that those qualities are high on the list of amazing qualities any person could ask for. I want to make my son feel good, but I can't. My job as a mom is to give my son the tools to find happiness within himself and to find completion within his own heart.
Being a mom is the most difficult and most rewarding thing I have ever attempted because it is the biggest battle between my survival instinct and the little voice in my heart that leads me down the right path.
Yesterday was the first time that the need arose for me to bring him and it was a rough night for us. I have written before, a long time ago, about Archer's personality. He is shy and introverted and he is weird as fuck. Just like his momma, damn it! I am proud to be raising another introvert because I LOVE the fact that I am introverted. I am proud to be raising someone as weird as myself. I love that I have grown into my weirdness and I love that he shows signs of growing into and embracing it sooner than I did.
But yesterday I realized that being a weird, introvert is probably easier for a twenty-eight-year-old who embraces it than it is for a six-year-old who doesn't completely understand it. I watched my son sit in a room full of kids and play alone. I watched him play contentedly for a while and then I watched him look up and watch them longingly. I stood there and observed as he tried multiple times to connect with the other kids and I held back tears as I watched him fail.
He would hear them say something about Pokemon or Minecraft and try to connect, because he had found a shared interest. He was ignored. He asked to play zombies, because he loves zombies, and was told that it was for "the family." I watched him sit in the corner and watch them play and I could see from his face that he was hurting.
I understand that my son is different. I understand his strengths and his weaknesses. I understand his heart and I know what kind of kid he is. He is amazing. He is a good friend, he's incredibly smart, he's funny in a very dry way, he loves animals, his kindness is unmatched, he loves to read, and he shamelessly loves his momma and his daddy. He also loves Jesus, which I think is pretty cool considering he is a product of Dave and myself.
The difficult thing is that he doesn't understand himself. He is six, so he isn't supposed to. He isn't supposed to understand that introverts have a tougher time in today's world. It is my job as his mother to keep him from needing to understand that any time soon. So, I did what I have done before and what I will do again. I fought my instincts, which was to say, "You kids HAVE to play with him," or even "You guys SHOULD let Archer join." I called my son over to me and said, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?" My son said to me that he didn't like the games the other kids were playing, which wasn't surprising to me.
I told him that it is okay to play alone. That it is okay to want to play alone. I told my son that he has a choice, he can play a game that doesn't interest him because he wants the company of other children OR he can play alone and do what he wants to do. I also told him that introverts sometimes take longer to make friends and that we often have fewer friends and than our extroverted peers. However, I also told him that because we take longer we tend to have more intimate friendships and make stronger connections. Then I gave him an idea of something he could do to help me out and keep himself busy for a little while.
I knew what to do because I have read the books. I know how to be and to parent an introvert. I had to fight my instincts because I am a mom. All I want in the whole world is for my son to feel happy in his own skin. I want him to see himselff as I see him and to know that those qualities are high on the list of amazing qualities any person could ask for. I want to make my son feel good, but I can't. My job as a mom is to give my son the tools to find happiness within himself and to find completion within his own heart.
Being a mom is the most difficult and most rewarding thing I have ever attempted because it is the biggest battle between my survival instinct and the little voice in my heart that leads me down the right path.
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