I really like to wind down my day by bumming around on the computer and listening to music. To do this, I sometimes use a website called Project Playlist but most of the time I use I tunes. Dave and I both have I pods and we are Mac users, so we have I tunes on our computer. Lately I noticed that Dave has literally every CD he has ever owned and every piece of music he loves uploaded to I tunes. I also noticed that all of my music is newer music that I just discovered, downloaded, or recently felt like hearing. Upon this realization, I embarked on a mission. I am currently working on uploading every single CD from the two cases I own. I haven't purchased a CD in a long time, so there isn't much in these cases that is very current. However, it has been a blast.
I have very eclectic taste in music. I love country, hip-hop, electronic music, classic rock, alternative, pop, and pretty much anything else there is. These CDs that I am working on uploading range from Sum 41 to Eminem to Mark Wills to DJ Sasha to Elton John. If a random stranger were to look through my I tunes playlist, they would either think it was shared by 6 different people or they would think that I was schizophrenic. But I can say one thing about this mission of mine...I am absolutely having a blast doing it.
Today alone, I have listened to two different 'N Sync albums, a bunch of Eminem's older stuff, every Smashing Pumpkins album ever made, and the soundtrack to Blow. There was also about an hour long interval where I danced like a crazy person to an old Savage Garden CD. It has been a very musically liberating day for me.
One of the most wonderful things about listening to all of this music is that it reminds me of so many different things. Some of it reminds me of high school, some of middle school, some of parties, there are football games, rides home from school with friends, movies that I love, boys that I thought I loved, and it mostly reminds me of me.
I sometimes forget how much I have changed and evolved in the past 23 years. And I am always amazed at how powerful music can be. It takes a powerful entity to take a person through 23 very different years and simultaneously invoke memories and emotions that had been long forgotten. Right now, as I sit here at 2:20 a.m. listening to an old Goo Goo Dolls CD, all I can think of is how blessed I am. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to relive 23 years through song and I am very optimistic about filling the next 23 years with more memories and different songs.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Images
I think that it is mainly because I have been doing so much reflecting lately that this posting has come about...
Isn't it kind of odd how certain things commit to our memory as single images? So instead of reviewing our lives like a film, we review it like a slide show. I may be young, but I have experienced a lot of things in my life and I have a lot of images. Some of them are the strangest things, given the event that they coincide with. You would think that since they are burned so strongly in my brain, I would have remembered a different image.
I am not posting this to analyze the images or even to really ponder them. I actually just want to share them. Some of them are sad. Some of them are happy, but they are the images that I associate with some of the most defining events of my life.
I have one image of my mom with a pipe to her mouth, trying to spark the lighter. She was sitting at the kitchen table, laughing. I can picture the dishwasher behind her, the phone cord on the wall. I can see the table. Whoever was smoking with her was cut off by the wall. (One of the many times I caught my mom using drugs)
I have an image of a smashed jar of jelly, half covering my feet in my grandmas laundry room. I can picture the jelly and the floor and the cabinet right next to me.(This is the first time I remember being yelled at by my grandmother)
I see a dead mouse caught in a trap at the house across the street.(I don't know why)
I picture four of my friends ahead of me, running up the hill. I can see what order they are on, what they are wearing, and who is located where in the street. At the top of the hill, I can see a car and it's in pieces.(When my friend Charlie had a car accident, she died)
I see my daughter. Eyes close, mouth wide open. There are no teeth in her mouth. I remember really nothing but how toothless she was. (The first time I held my daughter)
I can see my best friend crying and looking down at my legs and the end of the hospital bed. (When I had my son)
I can see the ceiling of the ambulance and the blanket covering my feet. (When I tried to kill myself)
I can picture the church and the priest at the pulpit. I can see the backs of all of my family member's heads. (I could probably name the order they were sitting in the pew in front of me). I can see my grandma standing in front of the altar, speaking. (At my uncle's funeral)
I can see my step-mom sitting in a recliner in her living room. The T.V. is playing in the background and she has her legs folded underneath her. She is turned and facing me. My step sister is sitting on the floor in front of me and my father is standing in the doorway. (My step-mom is making fun of me, as usual)
I can see a man grabbing a box of teddy grahams from me and making an ugly face at me. I can picture his kitchen. The floors, the cabinets, the fridge, and the back door. (One of my moms many boyfriends)
Those are just a few of the memories that stand out the most in my mind. Most of them are several years past and some are over a decade old. I just have these images burned into my mind and they all have to do with something that I think I will remember forever.
Isn't it kind of odd how certain things commit to our memory as single images? So instead of reviewing our lives like a film, we review it like a slide show. I may be young, but I have experienced a lot of things in my life and I have a lot of images. Some of them are the strangest things, given the event that they coincide with. You would think that since they are burned so strongly in my brain, I would have remembered a different image.
I am not posting this to analyze the images or even to really ponder them. I actually just want to share them. Some of them are sad. Some of them are happy, but they are the images that I associate with some of the most defining events of my life.
I have one image of my mom with a pipe to her mouth, trying to spark the lighter. She was sitting at the kitchen table, laughing. I can picture the dishwasher behind her, the phone cord on the wall. I can see the table. Whoever was smoking with her was cut off by the wall. (One of the many times I caught my mom using drugs)
I have an image of a smashed jar of jelly, half covering my feet in my grandmas laundry room. I can picture the jelly and the floor and the cabinet right next to me.(This is the first time I remember being yelled at by my grandmother)
I see a dead mouse caught in a trap at the house across the street.(I don't know why)
I picture four of my friends ahead of me, running up the hill. I can see what order they are on, what they are wearing, and who is located where in the street. At the top of the hill, I can see a car and it's in pieces.(When my friend Charlie had a car accident, she died)
I see my daughter. Eyes close, mouth wide open. There are no teeth in her mouth. I remember really nothing but how toothless she was. (The first time I held my daughter)
I can see my best friend crying and looking down at my legs and the end of the hospital bed. (When I had my son)
I can see the ceiling of the ambulance and the blanket covering my feet. (When I tried to kill myself)
I can picture the church and the priest at the pulpit. I can see the backs of all of my family member's heads. (I could probably name the order they were sitting in the pew in front of me). I can see my grandma standing in front of the altar, speaking. (At my uncle's funeral)
I can see my step-mom sitting in a recliner in her living room. The T.V. is playing in the background and she has her legs folded underneath her. She is turned and facing me. My step sister is sitting on the floor in front of me and my father is standing in the doorway. (My step-mom is making fun of me, as usual)
I can see a man grabbing a box of teddy grahams from me and making an ugly face at me. I can picture his kitchen. The floors, the cabinets, the fridge, and the back door. (One of my moms many boyfriends)
Those are just a few of the memories that stand out the most in my mind. Most of them are several years past and some are over a decade old. I just have these images burned into my mind and they all have to do with something that I think I will remember forever.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Something New
I have been giving a lot of thought lately to my relationships with other people. This includes my mom, my grandmother, my in-laws, my husband, friends, and pretty much everyone and every thing that could be considered a relationship. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am very stunted. I think that I can be picky. I think that I am very set in my ways. I also have a long history of bad relationships.
I let people take advantage of me. Usually it is the people that I call friends that get away with the most. There are multiple people who owe me money. People have stolen from me. People have allowed me to carry them and then just dropped me when I stood up for myself. My relationships with the people that I call friends are some of the most devastating and difficult I have experienced in my life.
Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe it's me. Maybe I am sowing something along the way that causes people to treat me the way that they do. Even in some of my healthier friendships, I am the one who does all of the calling and the inviting. It has always been this way for me. I can remember having friendships like that as far back as elementary school. I end up feeling like I am desperate and hanging onto friendships that aren't reciprocated. It's a very lonely feeling. It's humiliating. It also causes me to feel very lonely.
However lately I have really been thinking about it. I have actually gone back through my friendships and played them in my head and analyzed them. I don't think I am the perfect friend. In some cases I have been the bad friend. In some cases, I have done some pretty crappy things. But the more I look back and reflect the more I feel that people who like to take advantage are attracted to my people pleasing, co-dependent nature.
I have come to a place where I most certain that it is not always my fault. I have also realized that in most cases it hasn't been my fault. I do share responsibility for the way that things work out because my co-dependency and eagerness to please do lay the path for what happens. However, I realized that I am a good person and I am good friend. I realized that I need to be more selective of whom I associate myself with.
In certain cases, I have given so much of myself that it almost destroyed me. When I wasn't feeling like I was getting anything in return I would begin to feel lonely. Then I would give more, thinking that would help. It didn't. It has always just caused the takers to take until I was drained. It hurts to think of how many people that I have called my friends have done this to me. I want to move on without losing the fact that I am a giver. I want to grow to be a person who can give without being a doormat. Hopefully with some work, that change can come about.
I let people take advantage of me. Usually it is the people that I call friends that get away with the most. There are multiple people who owe me money. People have stolen from me. People have allowed me to carry them and then just dropped me when I stood up for myself. My relationships with the people that I call friends are some of the most devastating and difficult I have experienced in my life.
Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe it's me. Maybe I am sowing something along the way that causes people to treat me the way that they do. Even in some of my healthier friendships, I am the one who does all of the calling and the inviting. It has always been this way for me. I can remember having friendships like that as far back as elementary school. I end up feeling like I am desperate and hanging onto friendships that aren't reciprocated. It's a very lonely feeling. It's humiliating. It also causes me to feel very lonely.
However lately I have really been thinking about it. I have actually gone back through my friendships and played them in my head and analyzed them. I don't think I am the perfect friend. In some cases I have been the bad friend. In some cases, I have done some pretty crappy things. But the more I look back and reflect the more I feel that people who like to take advantage are attracted to my people pleasing, co-dependent nature.
I have come to a place where I most certain that it is not always my fault. I have also realized that in most cases it hasn't been my fault. I do share responsibility for the way that things work out because my co-dependency and eagerness to please do lay the path for what happens. However, I realized that I am a good person and I am good friend. I realized that I need to be more selective of whom I associate myself with.
In certain cases, I have given so much of myself that it almost destroyed me. When I wasn't feeling like I was getting anything in return I would begin to feel lonely. Then I would give more, thinking that would help. It didn't. It has always just caused the takers to take until I was drained. It hurts to think of how many people that I have called my friends have done this to me. I want to move on without losing the fact that I am a giver. I want to grow to be a person who can give without being a doormat. Hopefully with some work, that change can come about.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Getting Back to Business
I had a horrible few weeks. I got sick, really sick, and that caused my depression to become overwhelming. I was literally a zombie for the past few weeks but I am happy to say that I have finally begun to snap out of it. The worst part of the way that I was feeling was that I had horrible, horrendous fatigue. I was sleeping about 18 hours out of the day. Whenever I could be asleep, I was. I attributed it to the depression and the illness combined and I simply thought that I was once again giving my depression a foothold. However, this week that all changed.
I found out that my husband and I are expecting! We are absolutely thrilled to be adding to our family, as we always knew that we weren't done yet. But more than that, I was relieved beyond words to know that the fatigue was not my fault. I wasn't giving in to illness and depression. Fatigue is a very common symptom of early pregnancy. While I do concede that I might be a bit more prone to it and that I might be a little more prone to allowing it to go too far, it was like being reborn to find out that I had not just been a depressed mess for that whole time. I had thought that I was failing at my goals when I really was not.
So now it is onward and upward. I get to start planning a home birth and will be meeting with a midwife next week. I am really hoping that she is a suitable fit as she is the only one anywhere near me. After I meet with her, I am going to start looking for a doula. We were wise enough to save most of the baby gear that we need so over the next 8 months I am going to start slowly purchasing the few things that we will need for the new addition. We have already been diligently debating names.
I spent a lot of time in bed over the past few weeks and I really had some time to reflect. There are some new things that I will be addressing in the coming weeks. Things that I think I just need to put out there so that I can move away from them. The past couple of days I have been feeling much much better than I have in over a month. I am optimistically looking forward to getting fatter and to moving soon to a new command.
I had to make one very difficult decision that I definitely think is for the best. I am not attending school this quarter. It will be January before I am enrolled again and I will be enrolled through a college in my home state. As far as my credits, graduation, and degree plans go this is the best thing I can possibly be doing. If I go this route, I will lose less credits in the transfer process and I will be able to graduate more quickly. I will also have an easier and more clear cut means of pursuing my history degree. I am pretty bummed because I was looking forward to the fall quarter. I missed school over the summer and I was anxious to get back to work. But I really feel that I have made the optimal decision. I just wish that I had looked into everything before the fall semester back home began. Had I been a bit more proactive, I could be enrolled right now.
I plan on getting back into writing here and hope to be back to posting daily. I hope that there will be some positive and interesting reading to come in the next month.
I found out that my husband and I are expecting! We are absolutely thrilled to be adding to our family, as we always knew that we weren't done yet. But more than that, I was relieved beyond words to know that the fatigue was not my fault. I wasn't giving in to illness and depression. Fatigue is a very common symptom of early pregnancy. While I do concede that I might be a bit more prone to it and that I might be a little more prone to allowing it to go too far, it was like being reborn to find out that I had not just been a depressed mess for that whole time. I had thought that I was failing at my goals when I really was not.
So now it is onward and upward. I get to start planning a home birth and will be meeting with a midwife next week. I am really hoping that she is a suitable fit as she is the only one anywhere near me. After I meet with her, I am going to start looking for a doula. We were wise enough to save most of the baby gear that we need so over the next 8 months I am going to start slowly purchasing the few things that we will need for the new addition. We have already been diligently debating names.
I spent a lot of time in bed over the past few weeks and I really had some time to reflect. There are some new things that I will be addressing in the coming weeks. Things that I think I just need to put out there so that I can move away from them. The past couple of days I have been feeling much much better than I have in over a month. I am optimistically looking forward to getting fatter and to moving soon to a new command.
I had to make one very difficult decision that I definitely think is for the best. I am not attending school this quarter. It will be January before I am enrolled again and I will be enrolled through a college in my home state. As far as my credits, graduation, and degree plans go this is the best thing I can possibly be doing. If I go this route, I will lose less credits in the transfer process and I will be able to graduate more quickly. I will also have an easier and more clear cut means of pursuing my history degree. I am pretty bummed because I was looking forward to the fall quarter. I missed school over the summer and I was anxious to get back to work. But I really feel that I have made the optimal decision. I just wish that I had looked into everything before the fall semester back home began. Had I been a bit more proactive, I could be enrolled right now.
I plan on getting back into writing here and hope to be back to posting daily. I hope that there will be some positive and interesting reading to come in the next month.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Downward
I feel like I have nowhere to go besides down these days. I have been sick, which makes it hard for me to get out of bed. I haven't been getting things done, which sucks. I have nothing in order for school next week and I am nervous. I am just so damn unmotivated lately that I don't know what to do with myself. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we should be out of here in about 7 months. I can't wait. I just want to feel better.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
It's Been a Decent Week
I can safely say that this week was alright. I haven't really left the house, which is something I really need to work on. But I did have company one night and that was really nice. I have been on top of working out and cleaning all week, so I have been getting the things done that I have needed to do. The only thing I really need to stop putting off is going to the school. It will get me in the end if I don't go and my education is my number one priority right now. I just need to make sure my tuition is on hold until my financial aid comes through, or get a short term loan. It's really just a matter of convincing myself that I can and should leave my house.
I don't know what my deal is with getting out of the house. Sometimes I think that I might have some form of agoraphobia. I get very anxious when I think about leaving. It makes me nervous and afraid. As a result, there are times when I go weeks without leaving. This contributes vastly to my depression. When I finally do get out, I feel instantly better. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I never used to be afraid of the world and I don't know what is causing it now, but I do know that is a major factor in everything that I am dealing with right now.
The fear and difficulty leaving the house is something that I really need to work on. I think that if I could get better about getting out, my depression would become less severe almost immediately. Part of the problem is that I don't get invited by anyone to go anywhere anymore, so the only way I get interaction is to invite people over here. I really don't know where I could go by myself. Especially with winter coming it will be hard to get out if I am trying to go out by myself. I really want to make it a goal to get out twice a week and go play somewhere or do something. I just really need some ideas on where to go and what to do since I will be rollin' solo. Next week, I promise myself, I will get out twice. I might even start tomorrow since the husband will be off of work.
Tonight should be a pretty relaxing start to a good weekend. Once Dave gets off tonight he doesn't have to report back to work until Tuesday at 3 p.m. He has a long weekend due to the holiday and I am really happy about it. Today was my day off from working out so I just need to pick up toys, run the vacuum, and shower. Then I plan to watch Project Runway and read. I'm planning to keep up with my workouts all weekend and not slack off and would like to go take a walk or go to the park if the weather permits. We also have a movie that we have been wanting to watch together, so it has been sitting there for two weeks waiting for us to have the time. We shall see how it goes. Here's lookin' forward to improvement.
I don't know what my deal is with getting out of the house. Sometimes I think that I might have some form of agoraphobia. I get very anxious when I think about leaving. It makes me nervous and afraid. As a result, there are times when I go weeks without leaving. This contributes vastly to my depression. When I finally do get out, I feel instantly better. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I never used to be afraid of the world and I don't know what is causing it now, but I do know that is a major factor in everything that I am dealing with right now.
The fear and difficulty leaving the house is something that I really need to work on. I think that if I could get better about getting out, my depression would become less severe almost immediately. Part of the problem is that I don't get invited by anyone to go anywhere anymore, so the only way I get interaction is to invite people over here. I really don't know where I could go by myself. Especially with winter coming it will be hard to get out if I am trying to go out by myself. I really want to make it a goal to get out twice a week and go play somewhere or do something. I just really need some ideas on where to go and what to do since I will be rollin' solo. Next week, I promise myself, I will get out twice. I might even start tomorrow since the husband will be off of work.
Tonight should be a pretty relaxing start to a good weekend. Once Dave gets off tonight he doesn't have to report back to work until Tuesday at 3 p.m. He has a long weekend due to the holiday and I am really happy about it. Today was my day off from working out so I just need to pick up toys, run the vacuum, and shower. Then I plan to watch Project Runway and read. I'm planning to keep up with my workouts all weekend and not slack off and would like to go take a walk or go to the park if the weather permits. We also have a movie that we have been wanting to watch together, so it has been sitting there for two weeks waiting for us to have the time. We shall see how it goes. Here's lookin' forward to improvement.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Well Crap...
Whoopsy Daisy! Last night, I made a menu plan and a grocery list. This morning, I sent Dave to the grocery store and I got ready to drive to an appointment in Mount Vernon. About 10 minutes after he left the house, it dawned on me that at 4 p.m. yesterday the doctor's office called and asked me to push my appointment to a time that wouldn't work for me. So, I had to reschedule. I feel really bad for sending Dave to the grocery store all by himself when I could have gone. He left the cell phone with me since I had to drive an hour, so I couldn't call him and tell him to come back. I might have to let him take revenge on me somehow.
In other news, there is nothing new going on in my life. I need to go and get a short term loan from the school since I turned in my financial aid paperwork late. I also need to work out today and clean the upstairs and start laundry. I have company coming over for dinner and it should be very nice. I will be trying out a new recipe that sounds delicious.
If I come up with something worth sharing later, I will post again!
In other news, there is nothing new going on in my life. I need to go and get a short term loan from the school since I turned in my financial aid paperwork late. I also need to work out today and clean the upstairs and start laundry. I have company coming over for dinner and it should be very nice. I will be trying out a new recipe that sounds delicious.
If I come up with something worth sharing later, I will post again!
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