Something New

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to my relationships with other people. This includes my mom, my grandmother, my in-laws, my husband, friends, and pretty much everyone and every thing that could be considered a relationship. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am very stunted. I think that I can be picky. I think that I am very set in my ways. I also have a long history of bad relationships.

I let people take advantage of me. Usually it is the people that I call friends that get away with the most. There are multiple people who owe me money. People have stolen from me. People have allowed me to carry them and then just dropped me when I stood up for myself. My relationships with the people that I call friends are some of the most devastating and difficult I have experienced in my life.

Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe it's me. Maybe I am sowing something along the way that causes people to treat me the way that they do. Even in some of my healthier friendships, I am the one who does all of the calling and the inviting. It has always been this way for me. I can remember having friendships like that as far back as elementary school. I end up feeling like I am desperate and hanging onto friendships that aren't reciprocated. It's a very lonely feeling. It's humiliating. It also causes me to feel very lonely.

However lately I have really been thinking about it. I have actually gone back through my friendships and played them in my head and analyzed them. I don't think I am the perfect friend. In some cases I have been the bad friend. In some cases, I have done some pretty crappy things. But the more I look back and reflect the more I feel that people who like to take advantage are attracted to my people pleasing, co-dependent nature.

I have come to a place where I most certain that it is not always my fault. I have also realized that in most cases it hasn't been my fault. I do share responsibility for the way that things work out because my co-dependency and eagerness to please do lay the path for what happens. However, I realized that I am a good person and I am good friend. I realized that I need to be more selective of whom I associate myself with.

In certain cases, I have given so much of myself that it almost destroyed me. When I wasn't feeling like I was getting anything in return I would begin to feel lonely. Then I would give more, thinking that would help. It didn't. It has always just caused the takers to take until I was drained. It hurts to think of how many people that I have called my friends have done this to me. I want to move on without losing the fact that I am a giver. I want to grow to be a person who can give without being a doormat. Hopefully with some work, that change can come about.