Feeling a Little Bit Richer.

Last night I typed a very long, detailed (and, in my opinion, witty) blog entry about the weekend that Dave and I just shared. Sadly, right when I got to the very end my son took hold of the mouse and clicked the back button. It was tragic, I actually screamed out loud because it was such a disaster. I would really like to share the story here, but I simply do not feel that I have the patience right now to write as well as I had last night. This makes me sad because it was a weekend that was deserving of a well written entry. But life happens so I am just going to make do and give it the best entry that my time constraints and patience will allow. Ready, set, go...

A couple of months ago a friend of mine mentioned that she and her husband were taking the Navy up on one of the perks that it offers to those who serve. The perk she told me about was called a CREDO (Chaplain's Religious Enrichment Development Operation) Marriage Enrichment Retreat. Dave and I are not religious and we also do not have any major problems with our marriage, but my friend told me that it was for healthy marriages and that it was not extremely focused on faith. My next thought was, "Nice idea and concept but Dave is an E3, no way can we afford that." The next words out of her mouth shot that thought down. She said, "The Navy pays for your hotel stay and all of your meals except dinner on Friday night before the first session starts."

After that conversation, I was pretty much sold. I just needed to decide what to do about childcare, ask the spouse if he would be interested in doing such a thing, and get over my irrational fears of both group therapy and public speaking. It was pretty much a piece of cake. Our friends who had told us about the retreat agreed to swap childcare with us for the occasion, so we will be watching their daughter for a weekend in April. Dave said that as long as it was not overly bible based he would love to go, and that was taken care of. Now all the was left was to overcome the irrational fears. That part was easy as a child free, all expense paid, weekend alone as a couple easily outweighed the possible cons of what the retreat sessions would actually entail.

With all of the arrangements made, we both began to look forward to the weekend. We were slightly skeptical about the actual Marriage Enrichment Retreat but we were willing to put up with a few boring, awkward sessions in order to have a romantic getaway. The Friday arrived when we were supposed to leave and leave we did. The traffic getting there was a nightmare and it took us almost four hours (although we made great time coming back), we arrived, checked in, grabbed some Taco Time, and steeled ourselves for what we thought was going to be our first group therapy type session. At 6:45 on Friday evening, we walked into that conference room feeling nervous and intimidated.

Luckily for us expectations and reality rarely ever line up. This was one of the occasions where they do not line up and it happens in positive way. We were pleasantly surprised with the outline that the Chaplain gave us for the weekend, his demeanor, and the content of the first session of the weekend. We were also pleased that he did not drag it on for hours and that he seemed to really enjoy his job. We left Friday night feeling very optimistic about the rest of the weekend.

I am not going to go into a bunch of details. Outlining the whole weekend would take up a lot of space and probably be boring for anyone besides myself. However what I will say is that we left that Inn with several ideas of things that we can and will be doing to make our relationship stronger and healthier. We are going to work on growing closer in areas that we were just always very independent in. We are going to work on making each other feel appreciated and loved as fully as possible. We both left with an extremely optimistic feeling about a marriage that we were both already optimistic about.

This past weekend was one of the best investments I have ever made in my life or my marriage, and it was free. We learned so much and we spoke to each other about things and in ways that we had recently been neglecting. We actually managed to have serious, interesting conversations that were about other things than children. It was miraculous. Anyone who ever has a similar opportunity should act on it, you will not regret it. As of right now, today, I think that CREDO changed our marriage for the best. I am excited about today, tomorrow, and the years to come. And let me just say, it's a wonderful feeling.

Death, Revisited.

Dave and I have lived in Washington for almost two years. We got here at the very beginning of May 2008. When we were on the road to Washington, two people that I knew and loved back in Colorado died. Both died by their own hand. I was so sad. I knew I couldn't go back to pay respects and I couldn't be there for the rest of the people that I loved who I knew were suffering greatly. I had to send cards to their family and friends. These were people that I would have loved to hug much more than sending a written condolence.

When we arrived in Washington and began to settle in, I figured that it was just a tragic coincidence that two people I knew would pass away so close together and right after I left. I figured it was a bump in the road. I mourned them and then I moved on. I still think of them but I grieved and felt like I needed to move on with my life. But then, people just kept on dying. At this moment, while I sit here I can think of 8 people that I know from back home who have died in the two years since I left. I also know that my mommy brain is kicking in and that I am forgetting one or two people right now.

Yesterday I was sitting here at my trusty computer, browsing the internet. I was shocked to learn (via Facebook) that a young man that I went to elementary school with passed away this weekend. This was a person that I hadn't seen in several years. We didn't keep in touch through middle and high school. We didn't really move in the same circles. But, he was a nice guy. I did know him and he was my peer. When I saw his name popping up with R.I.P. before it, I was stunned. My mind immediately flashed to elementary school. I could picture his haircut and I could still picture that little guy with the huge, pretty eyes and the enormous constant smile. How could that little guy be dead? He is my age for God's sake.

It feels odd to me that I should be so affected by the passing of someone that was not close to me. I shed tears over this person and I hardly knew him anymore. I toyed with thoughts all night as to why I felt the way I felt. I have no clear answer as to why it bothers me and saddens me so much, but I do have some theories.

The first is that I am affected due to the sheer number of peers that I have already lost at 23 years old. Most people only lose family members and older ones at that. At 23, I have lost more than a handful of peers. I am not sitting here saying that I have lost 20 of my nearest and dearest friends, but these are still people my age. I knew them and I liked them and I remember them fondly.

My second theory is that I am slightly overly emotional and that I have a tendency to over empathize. I really can put myself in other peoples shoes and sometimes I have a tendency to over do it. I feel so sad when anyone dies or loses someone that I could read the obituaries in any paper and cry my eyes out. I just feel so sad for everyone who has to feel that pain. I feel sad for anyone for all of the time and memories that could have been. When someone dies unexpectedly, especially when they are so young, I just feel like I wish I could take the pain away for all of those who loved them. It doesn't even matter to me how I well I know them.

Regardless of the reasoning, my heart is just broken for this person's friends, girlfriend, and family members. I truly believe that it was a sad day in Colorado when that little guy's huge, friendly, shining smile went out. I hope that those who loved him get to see that smile again someday.

And as an end note, I really hope that 2010 brings less death into the orbit of my life. It gets harder each time and I am just so sick and tired of reading about the deaths of my peers.

1993.

I will be 24 next month, so I am not old by any means. However, that didn't stop me from having my first, "I feel old experience," in class the other day. I guess that I will have to realize that as an almost 24 year old who is still in college, I am going to be surrounded by quite a few fresh out of high school faces. However, until the other day, it had never occurred to me that I am one of the older people in class.

Last Thursday, everyone was standing up and giving presentations. The young man who sits in front of me stood up and in the course of his speech he said something about how 1989 was two years before he was born. I was shocked and I quietly said, "Wow! He was born in 1991!" It was then that the unthinkable happened. The girl next to me smiled and said, "Well, I was born in 1993."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! 1993?! People born in 1993 are old enough to take college courses? (Granted she is a high school student doing Running Start) Seriously? I remember 1993. There are songs from 1993 that I still love and consider among my favorites. Ace of Base was still popular in 1993. The Gin Blossoms were topping the charts. 1993 was an awesome year. I turned 7 that year and I was rocking baby doll dresses, black Mary Janes, and I did my hair with the Bobsy (at least I think that's the name).

I also realized, after talking to this very nice young lady for most of the 3 hour period that I spend in class, that I am too old to be her friend. We have nothing in common. Even the way that she talks seems young and distant from where I am in life. She is absolutely, unmistakably from a different generation than myself. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with people who are 6 or 7 years older than me. But I had just never realized before that even though I am young, I am not really young anymore.

Youth is leaving me especially quickly since I am already married and have a family. I plan on becoming a teacher and I always thought that I would be the really cool, young teacher and now I realize that I am out of touch with young people. How did that happen? When did I grow up? I would really like to know so that I can warn my children to watch for that moment for themselves.

The whole day left me feeling old and confused. The only thing that I know for sure is that 1993 will forever be remembered as the year that caused me to realize that I am getting old. I don't know if I will ever feel the same about The Gin Blossoms again. Well, that's a lie. I still love them. I might as well embrace my impending old age.