Death, Revisited.

Dave and I have lived in Washington for almost two years. We got here at the very beginning of May 2008. When we were on the road to Washington, two people that I knew and loved back in Colorado died. Both died by their own hand. I was so sad. I knew I couldn't go back to pay respects and I couldn't be there for the rest of the people that I loved who I knew were suffering greatly. I had to send cards to their family and friends. These were people that I would have loved to hug much more than sending a written condolence.

When we arrived in Washington and began to settle in, I figured that it was just a tragic coincidence that two people I knew would pass away so close together and right after I left. I figured it was a bump in the road. I mourned them and then I moved on. I still think of them but I grieved and felt like I needed to move on with my life. But then, people just kept on dying. At this moment, while I sit here I can think of 8 people that I know from back home who have died in the two years since I left. I also know that my mommy brain is kicking in and that I am forgetting one or two people right now.

Yesterday I was sitting here at my trusty computer, browsing the internet. I was shocked to learn (via Facebook) that a young man that I went to elementary school with passed away this weekend. This was a person that I hadn't seen in several years. We didn't keep in touch through middle and high school. We didn't really move in the same circles. But, he was a nice guy. I did know him and he was my peer. When I saw his name popping up with R.I.P. before it, I was stunned. My mind immediately flashed to elementary school. I could picture his haircut and I could still picture that little guy with the huge, pretty eyes and the enormous constant smile. How could that little guy be dead? He is my age for God's sake.

It feels odd to me that I should be so affected by the passing of someone that was not close to me. I shed tears over this person and I hardly knew him anymore. I toyed with thoughts all night as to why I felt the way I felt. I have no clear answer as to why it bothers me and saddens me so much, but I do have some theories.

The first is that I am affected due to the sheer number of peers that I have already lost at 23 years old. Most people only lose family members and older ones at that. At 23, I have lost more than a handful of peers. I am not sitting here saying that I have lost 20 of my nearest and dearest friends, but these are still people my age. I knew them and I liked them and I remember them fondly.

My second theory is that I am slightly overly emotional and that I have a tendency to over empathize. I really can put myself in other peoples shoes and sometimes I have a tendency to over do it. I feel so sad when anyone dies or loses someone that I could read the obituaries in any paper and cry my eyes out. I just feel so sad for everyone who has to feel that pain. I feel sad for anyone for all of the time and memories that could have been. When someone dies unexpectedly, especially when they are so young, I just feel like I wish I could take the pain away for all of those who loved them. It doesn't even matter to me how I well I know them.

Regardless of the reasoning, my heart is just broken for this person's friends, girlfriend, and family members. I truly believe that it was a sad day in Colorado when that little guy's huge, friendly, shining smile went out. I hope that those who loved him get to see that smile again someday.

And as an end note, I really hope that 2010 brings less death into the orbit of my life. It gets harder each time and I am just so sick and tired of reading about the deaths of my peers.