Giving Thanks.

I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I don't think it's very nice to celebrate the fact that we basically bamboozled the Native Americans into thinking we were legit and then totally flipped the script and did horrible things to them. However, I am totally into the thought of having a day that we all celebrate the things that we have in life that are deserving of thanks. I guess that what I mean to say is that I see this day as a day of giving thanks and I try to disregard the historical aspect of the holiday.

This year, giving thanks was kind of difficult. I am 1600 miles away from my family and my close friends, I just had a miscarriage, I have the persistent sinus infection from hell, I am overweight and really self conscious, and we are having financial problems of epic proportions. The real kickers are the miscarriage, the distance, and the money. All of these things combined caused me to wake up this morning feeling rather "blah."

However, the Lord up above must have sensed my hesitation because although I woke up feeling like an elephant was sitting on my sinus cavity, a series of wonderful things happened. First, my darling husband realized that my sinuses were troubling me and he allowed me to sleep in. I got roughly 2 extra hours due to his awesomeness. Then, as I was waking up and rolling around and trying to will myself out of bed, I heard the sounds of my family. They were laughing, making animal noises, and chattering. I immediately felt like I wanted to jump out of bed and get in on the fun. Instead, I slowly hobbled downstairs while holding pressure to my aching sinus cavity. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, I realized that I could smell chocolate cake. I meandered into the kitchen to find that Dave had made the Black Forest Trifle that I had been planning on making today. Of course, in typical male fashion, it looks like a choco-cherry bomb went off in my kitchen. But it really is the thought that counts. He then told me to sit down, brought me a glass of water so that I could take my vitamins and the Sudafed that has been my best friend lately, and a cup of coffee.

As I was sitting here, drinking my coffee and massaging my sinus, I realized that sometimes things get crappy. But usually, they get better. And even when things are crappy, there is always something to be thankful for. In my case, the best things in my life are free, healthy, happy, and precious. And they don't care if I'm broke. They don't care that my uterus recently failed me. And even though we are far away from everyone else, we do have each other. I have a houseful of amazing and no matter how many cloudy days I have, they will always be my sunshine. I should probably not have hesitated this morning, because there is always something to be thankful for.

Best Laid Plans

Today was supposed to be my D&C procedure to end this pregnancy, however my body had another course of action in mind. Yesterday afternoon, I miscarried naturally. I am kind of torn on how I feel about it. First of all, it was really painful and second of all, it was really gross. There was a brief period where it looked like someone had been murdered in my bathroom. But on the plus side, I have been really sick with a cold and I was not sure how safe it was for me to go under anesthesia. Not to mention, I am the type of person who generally thinks that natural is better. There are risks to the D&C that just don't exist with a miscarriage because a miscarriage is the body's natural course of action.

Fortunately, it started before Dave went to work so he was able to get the evening off to help me out. No way could I have played mommy and managed that at the same time. Someone above was definitely watching out for me. And luckily, the majority of this is all over. I need to take today to rest and let myself heal. I should be able to start seeing my body go back to normal in the coming month. It might be strange, but I am still feeling very hopeful. I feel like this was a bump in the road and now that I have passed it by, we can start to heal and move on with our lives.

I haven't spoken to my dad since the first time, but I was thinking last night that I hope he calls me again. I was really hopeful about developing a relationship, but I want him to be the one to call me. I know that he returned my call the first time, but I feel like him taking the first step the next time would make me certain that he wants to work on things as well. Especially since it has been so long and it was so bad before. I just feel like if he doesn't call me this time he isn't reciprocating.

Well, I am off to the couch to begin my healing day.

What Difference a Day Makes.

Not to mention the difference of several days or a couple of weeks. Since I have been such a blog slacker lately, a lot has changed since the last time that I posted. Dave and I found out 6 days ago that my pregnancy was not viable. We were devastated by the news because we wanted this baby so badly. However, we are on the road to healing. I have to have a D&C on Wednesday since my body has not miscarried yet. After that, we will probably wait a couple of months and then start trying again. I have been so lucky in the past to have healthy, unremarkable pregnancies. I was completely taken aback when I was told that there was no heartbeat and the fetus had not developed past a certain point. I know now that I will never take a pregnancy for granted, ever again. I don't think that Dave will either.

I have also been taking 5HTP and I have noticed AMAZING improvements in my sleep habits, eating habits, and my behavior in general. I had heard of it for over a year but I always figured that if anti-depressants couldn't help me, nothing could. However, I am so glad that I finally took the step and started taking it. I am still having some trouble with energy but it has helped me so much, I am just amazed. I started taking a B12 supplement today and I am hoping that this will give me the final boost that I need to have a normal amount of energy. In the wake of this miscarriage, I would like to start going to the gym about 4 times a week, just to get out of the house and not be such a couch potato.

I have also begun to take some steps to repair my relationship with my father and with my youngest older sister. It had been years since I spoke to either of them and recently, I spoke to both of them. It felt really good. I want my children to have the opportunity to know where they came from. I haven't spoken to either of them since, but I am hoping that this is the beginning of something new. Dave and Archer have never met my father and I think it would be nice if that happened at some point. People don't last forever, so I won't always have the chance to know whether or not my dad and I could have at least enjoyed each other's company. As far as my sister goes, I have always regretted that she and I grew apart. Most of the time, I did not miss my father at all. However, I missed my sister every day and I am really looking forward to having her and her family in my life again.

As a whole, I am feeling much better than I have in a long time. I am very hopeful and I think that things are evolving and are certain to get better. I am hoping the 5HTP continues to do it's job and that the B12 begins to work and that I can be the Molly that I remember being 2 years ago. I am ready to stop being so miserable and so closed off. I really want to be living. I was never like this before and I never want to be like this again. It is definitely time for a change...for the better.