Almost at the End of Our Trip

I am kind of sad that our trip is winding down now. We have really had a good vacation. I never thought that we would come home and treat it like a vacation but this time we did. We did actual tourist-y things that we would never have done before, when we lived here. We only have today and tomorrow left of actually being here and then we travel on Saturday. I am really going to miss being "on vacation." When you are a Navy family living on E3 pay, vacations aren't something to be taken for granted.

The only regret I have about this trip is that I really didn't get to spend too much time with my mom. Since we stayed with my grandma and my in-laws, I didn't even see her every day and some days I only saw her for a few minutes. It kind of sucks because I love my mom, but it is her attitude and behavior that set this up the way it is. It's her issues at home and with her husband that are the cause. So really, what else could I have done? I called her. I text messaged her. I asked her to do things. We initially asked to stay with her. There has to be some middle ground and I do feel like I put forth my best effort. We managed to both see and spend time with everyone that we wanted to see when we were planning our trip. No one has been forgotten and that's pretty good. Usually the last two days of one of our visits rolls around and we are saying, "Darn! We totally forgot about so and so." There will be none of that this time. We had a good two weeks.

The best news of it all is that the detachment my husband was supposed to be sent on was moved up. The people are all leaving on Saturday rather than Sunday, so that means he can't go. He called the other day to check on everything and make sure he had all of the information (trust me, he didn't make this call willingly) and when they found out we didn't return until Saturday afternoon they said that he wouldn't be going. I know it's part of his job and eventually he will have to go on these things, but who can blame me for being super relieved that he doesn't have to go on one the day after we come back from a trip. Not to mention, he is on orders to be here right now. It isn't like he is coming back from leave.

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to lose any weight while on this trip. The good news is that I didn't gain any either. The other good news is that I actually miss working out. I should be able to get right back into the swing of working out and counting points when we get back. I am considering going to Weight Watchers meetings when we return as opposed to just using the online function. I am pretty self conscious and as a result of my depression I am a real homebody, so I think that would be a pretty big step for me. I need to check on the cost though. We can't afford for me to spend any more than I already am on Weight Watchers.

I was going to continue going to the gym with a friend when we return, however I recently gained some knowledge that lead me to change my mind. I was speaking with a couple of friends here in my hometown. Both of these people are incredibly knowledgeable when it comes to fitness and health and weight loss. I was telling them about how when we go to the gym, we just go to the family room and get on the elliptical. They both told me that doing cardio like that is not a good way to go about it. They said that it becomes counterproductive after a while and that if I want to lose weight, tone, and keep it off that I need to do about 20 minutes of cardio and after that I need to be lifting weights. Since I know that these people know infinitely more than I do and I know that one of them struggled with weight her whole life until recently when she educated herself, I believe them.

I am currently weighing my options and devising a plan for a new routine. I think that my husband and I are going to go to the gym together when he gets off of work. He can spend the time doing cardio in the family room while I lift, and then vice versa. I certainly want to lose the weight. I don't want my hard work to be counterproductive. I also could try and do something at home. It really depends on what I think will be the most effective. I would like to try the 30 Day Challenge on my Wii Active and see if that's a good workout. I would also like to try the 30 Day Shred DVDs. I know that both combine lifting and cardio and could be done without worrying about child care, from the comfort of my home. However, like I stated, I am going to choose whichever course will give me the best results from my workout. I would hate to work my butt off (pun intended) on the elliptical, only to find out that I am kind of wasting my time.

I also have my doctor's appointment and my appointment for therapy to look forward to once we get back. I actually made a list of things to discuss with the M.D. so that I go in locked and loaded and get all of my issues addressed. I have child care taken care of for my therapy session and I am immensely excited about it. I also need to call school and start getting my financial aid stuff squared away so that I can take classes this fall. I need to see an advisor and make my schedule. I recently decided that although I really want to finish, I really want to enjoy school. Therefore, I will only be taking two classes per quarter. It will take me longer, but I think I will get more quality out of the time I spend in school.

I have a lot of positivity to look forward to once we finish this trip. I have been active while we were here. I haven't spent my days shut up in the house, napping, or being a bum. I have actually gotten dressed every single day that we have been here. I go weeks without changing into real clothes, usually. I have actually felt like a functioning member of the world these last two weeks. I just need to keep this up. I need to maintain my stride. I need to find something to do every day, even if it is just walking to the playground in our complex. I feel like I should return to our house chanting, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." I think I can keep this up, I know I can keep this up. I have really been victorious over my depression this last 2 weeks. I need to keep myself on this level. This could be the turning point. I want this to be where things start going uphill.

Yesterday Was a Missed Opportunity

I really see yesterday as a missed opportunity and I am pretty sad about it. One of the goals that I listed in my first blog was that I need to come to a better place with the death of my friend. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of her death and though I am in my home town, I didn't go out and pay her a visit. I haunted that cemetery for almost 3 years after she died. I took her books, CDs, and flowers. I brought her cards and letters. I feel that I should have gotten out there yesterday. I should have taken my son to see her. I should have said goodbye one more time.

I have never quite dealt with her death the way that I should have. I say goodbye to her, and think I mean it. However, I always end up feeling like I owe her something more. I feel like I should do things better for her. I always feel like we didn't have enough time. She was a truly amazing person. One of those people that you just feel so lucky for having known and even luckier for having the privilege of being close to her. She made everything fun. She made everything count. She was more like a force of nature than a person.

I often find myself wondering what my life would be like if she hadn't died. I doubt I would have my daughter. I wonder if I would have ended up with Dave. I think everything would have been different. I was talking about moving with her to St. Louis at the end of the summer. I really wanted to and I really would have gone with her. If I had done that, there is no way my life would be what it is today. She had such a profound effect on me when she was alive, but I think that sometimes her death has been my undoing.

Her car accident, the night it happened, and the days immediately following are a source of really intense regret for me. I wish I could have saved her. I also wish that I had been on a different street corner when the crash took place. I would give anything to have been across town, to have needed a phone call to know that she had died. I would give anything to not have heard that sound. I would give anything to not have run up that hill. I would give anything to have gone with her earlier in the night. I wish I hadn't made the choice to follow a boy. I could have been where she was, maybe things would have turned out differently. I wish I hadn't snapped at her before we went separate ways. I am sure that at the moment of her death, she was still annoyed with my attitude. That thought alone is crippling to me.

I just feel that there is so much left for me to say to her. So much that I should have had the chance to make right. She was probably the best out of all of us. I know I certainly wasn't and I still am not. I still just don't understand why it all happened that way. I wish every day that I could have one more day, even one more hour to tell her how much I loved her. I would completely erase the last 5 years of my life and redo them if I could. That might mean my family would change, but I would do it. I would owe it to Charlieann to do it. I would do anything to not have had a friend to name my daughter after. Anything.

I'm A Slug...

Well, not really a slug. But for some reason, traveling makes me really sluggish. This is bad news considering I am a pretty sluggish person as it is these days. For some reason once we come to Colorado it takes me several days to get my butt in gear and not be so darn tired. Today we slept in until 9 a.m. and then took a nap from about 1 until 3. Now I am showered and ready to do dinner and go to the Kiddie Rides at City Park but in all honesty, if I laid down right now I could fall back to sleep and probably sleep all night. I think I might need to take a detour to Vitamin Cottage and see about getting something to help with my energy. I don't want to spend my vacation being tired and sluggish.

I also realized today that I miss working out. I think it was helping with my energy. I think I am going to call the gyms around here and see if any of them offer some sort of two week pass that I could buy. I know most of them have day cares, so on the days that Dave will be working I could just drop him off and then go. He won't be working too much at all, so that's perfect. I only know one person here who has a gym membership and she is out of town Sunday through Thursday because she is going to school in a different city.

Speaking of working out, tomorrow is weigh in day for me. I honestly have started looking forward to weigh in day because I really think that Weight Watchers is working and although it isn't dramatic, I am managing to lose weight. I am not sure if there is a difference between my scale and my grandmothers, but we will find out tomorrow if I have lost any more weight. Watching what you eat on vacation is pretty difficult but I have really been giving it my best. I hope that at the very least I don't gain any weight while we are here visiting. I think that I can do it. I know that I can do it, I just have to use my better judgement and not let Dave lead me astray. He's really my worst enemy when it comes to dieting.

This is not my first attempt to get back my old body. Every time I try, I have Dave next to me. He wants Dairy Queen, he wants fast food, he wants midnight snacks. He just doesn't "get it." I think in part, he doesn't understand how miserable I am being so fat. I also think that he doesn't realize how eating the way he does is so much worse for me than it is for him. To be honest, he's a lot bigger than he was 3 1/2 years ago too. Luckily for him, he's a man and it therefore doesn't matter as much. I just wish that he was more supportive. Hell, I would even take him not caring and going along with it. It would be much better than thinking, "I really wish Dave would get deployed so that I could just lose this weight." I don't want Dave to get deployed. Honestly, it is one of my worst nightmares. However the truth is that as far as "working on me," it would probably be one of the best things that could happen. I would never tell him that though, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings and honestly there is no way at all that I could make him understand.

I was showering today and thinking about weighing in tomorrow. I was thinking about how I have lost about 10 pounds already. I was also thinking of how long it is going to take me to lose all of the weight that I need to lose. I am hoping to look decent by next summer, which seems a long way off. I was letting myself get bitten by regret. I regret so much that I was not more cautious right after I gave birth. I regret so much that I didn't stick to the diet I was on around Christmas. I regret that I got pregnant when I was already 25 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. I really wish there was some sort of "Second Chance" button that I could press. It would be a one time only button and I could press it and have my old body back instantly. Since it was one time only, I would have to be grateful and not take it for granted. I know that I will never again take my body for granted. I never want to be this way again and I definitely don't want to be this way any longer. I just want to lose this weight and never see it again. I don't care if that means I never see some of my favorite foods again. I wouldn't wish the sadness of being this heavy upon anyone. Everywhere I go, I stand out because of it. Being fat has made me wish that I never had to leave my house. I can't wait to keep going and lose the weight. I think that it will be my biggest victory ever.

Well That Took Long Enough...

If I can give anyone sound advice, the best I can give is this: DO NOT TRAVEL WITH THE BEEMAN FAMILY. Every time we take a trip, it turns into some sort of huge fiasco. This time was definitely no different. After two car accidents on the island where we live, one missed ferry, and a hold-up at security we missed our flight on Friday evening. We missed it by 2 dirty, rotten minutes. Luckily for us, my husband is in the Navy and there is a USO at the airport. So, we slept there and left on Saturday morning. It was a horrible nights sleep, especially since our bags made the flight so we were dirty as well as exhausted. The flight went smoothly and when we landed in Denver we thought we were going to have it made. Then we found out that we had an hours wait in the line at the Rental Car place. After we got the car, we met some friends for lunch and drove down to Pueblo. This might all sound like it isn't too bad. However, after we got to Pueblo we had to shower and then turn right back around and drive back up to Denver for Global Dancefest.

Yes folks, that's right. My husband and I spent Saturday night at a rave. My husband has been listening to electronic music since he was 14. As he has gotten older, he has gotten very selective and now he has a very distinct taste in what he likes to hear. This time, the legendary Sasha and John Digweed were playing TOGETHER (which is big news) at Red Rocks (which is the best venue in Colorado). Therefore, we just had to go. Most of our electronic music listening takes place in clubs. We like being where age limits, dress codes, and security are well enforced. Raves usually aren't as controlled and we are both old enough to feel uncomfortable around a bunch of high school kids who are on drugs and dancing around in their underwear. However, Sasha and Digweed are a big deal separately and are an even bigger deal when they perform together. Not to mention, a friend of ours that we hadn't seen in two years was in town for the same show. I won't lie, raves make me very uncomfortable and I was reluctant to go. However, I had a blast. I was tired and up way too late. My feet are now killing me. But man was that music worth a listen. Not to mention, Dave is an amazing dancer and I love watching him dance.

Home we came on Sunday and we stayed the night at David's parents house. It was a peaceful relaxing night until Dave woke up screaming in his sleep. He said something about spiders and then fell back to sleep, after waking the whole house up of course. This morning he checked in with the recruiters and spent half of the day at work. When he got off, we moved our things over to my grandmothers. This is where we will stay for the majority of our trip. Dave's dad wrecked on his motorcycle today shortly after we left their house. We had to spend a little time at the ER with him but it seems he will be alright. I think more than anything he scared the crap out of my mother in law.

The days to come should be pretty interesting. We have a lot of things that we want to do while we are here and in order to get them all done, we have to start right away. The last three days have been way too busy for me to get depressed or to let my depression take over. I am hoping that the rest of our vacation is the same way. If I keep busy during this time I think that I can get a significant advantage over my problem. This could be a turning point for me, if I play my cards right! Hopefully the rest of the trip is more peaceful and relaxing. And let's just pray it doesn't cost us too much money!

Three Cheers for Me!

I cannot in any way complain about today. I accomplished most all my goals. I did spend more time on the computer than I had wanted to, but I did it during nap time. Which means, I didn't nap. I got the laundry done and the house cleaned. I went to the gym and I managed to get pretty much everything packed. I am actually going to kick back and watch a movie tonight with my husband and I should have a worry free day tomorrow. Worry free until I am faced with getting on board an airplane, that is.

The only matter on my mind at the moment is how to get to the airport. As usual, Dave had a brilliant idea. He had the idea to sign up for a special form of duty that requires us to go home for two weeks. He then had more brilliant ideas about recreation while we are at home. He has lots of big plans. It is then up to me to buy the plane tickets, find a rental car, coordinate lodgings, find a hotel for the night we will spend away from our hometown, pack, and figure out how to get to the airport or where to park if we can't get a ride. I get all the super fun tasks. It's pretty annoying, especially considering he knows more people here than I do. However, today I am saying "Que Sera Sera." I had too good and productive of a day to be annoyed by trivialities.

I cannot wait to see my mom and my grandma. I can't wait to be away from this town for two weeks. I cannot wait to see my friends and hang out in comfortable, familiar surroundings. I cannot wait to get my lip pierced for cheap! I think it is going to be a fun and relaxing two weeks. Dave has to work for the recruiters and we only have one day and night of solid plans. So I should be able to visit, do play dates, and relax and enjoy my family.

This will be the first time we have gone home and bunked down at my grandmothers. She is newly widowed and only has a Labrador to keep her company in a massively large home. I am kind of curious to see whether she will be happy to have the company or whether we will get on her nerves. As much as I did love my grandfather, I cannot blame her for enjoying her new found independence. My grandpa wasn't the easiest person to be around for 5 minutes, I cannot imagine living with him for almost 50 years. My grandmother is my favorite person in the whole wide world. I am really looking forward to merely being in her presence for two weeks.

This is the sunniest I have felt since I have been writing here. I am happy to finally have a good day to post about. I hope that many more will come. I plan on being completely real here. I don't want to sugar coat things. Sugar coating hasn't gotten me very far in dealing with my depression and I want to break patterns and conquer it. However, I am also not going to hold back on the good days. Depression sufferers do have good days, after all. I just hope that with my newly gained determination to change I am able to post more and more good days. Eventually, I hope, the good days will outdo the bad days. Let's see what happens!

Today. Tomorrow. The Next.

I don't really have much to say about today. I napped when I should have cleaned, and therefore put the cleaning off until tomorrow. I napped when I should have worked out, but I plan to go to the gym tomorrow. I spent too much time on the computer, as usual. Tomorrow my goal is less than an hour and to spend most of that time posting here about my day. I even pawned the laundry off on Dave because I didn't feel like doing anything. I wasn't snappy or short at all today. I just had no energy. I even cancelled and moved my doctors appointment that I was so looking forward to. I really needed to address some of my concerns. I did finally find a therapist that came highly recommended and I made an appointment for next month when we get back from our trip back home.

I think that part of my sluggishness may be due to my fear of flying and therefore my anxiety about our trip. Everyone will say to me, "Oh flying is difficult for me as well." They all try very hard to be helpful. However, I think that they are underestimating my fear of flying. The entire time I am on the plane, I pray. I am shaking and restless. I can't stop thinking of the worst. My legs bounce up and down. I get so frustrated because Dave is literally incapable of staying awake when he is still. I truly think he might be narcoleptic to some degree. His sleep issues are a huge agitation for me. Back on to my point, Dave cannot keep himself awake. Therefore, I cannot fall asleep and sleep through the flight because I can't rely on him. If I could just put on my headphones and sleep through the flight, I think I would be alright. But it isn't safe for my family for me to do so. Dave will be the one sleeping, even though he doesn't mind flying. I will be annoyed and snappy because I am so scared. At least I know that once we touch down, I don't have to board another plane for two weeks, and after that I hope it won't be until Christmas.

So my plan is to make tomorrow better. I am going to go to the gym and then come home and clean and finish packing up during nap time. Then I am going to make sure I am not on the computer after nap time. I am making it my goal not to be on until after dinner. I need to be more interactive as a parent. I am so out of touch with myself that I think some days I retreat to cyberland because it does not require me to think too much about myself and my problems. I really have quite a bit I need to do tomorrow. I want to get my hair cut as well before we go home. I need to eventually start getting ready during the days and not have my hair in a pony tail all day long. I also want to leave my house clean and uncluttered so that I don't come home and need to clean.

I know my son has other plans for my return to a clean house. He likes to pull every single toy out before he actually starts to play with anything. He also pulls all of the DVDs down and he likes to see what he can access off of the top of the computer desk. He has become a very adept little climber. It drives me crazy. I am completely convinced that one day he is going to lose his footing, smack his chin, and lose the majority of his teeth. I don't recall my daughter being so messy nor so reckless at 16 months old. I also don't recall her being so snuggly. He is both my greatest worry and the greatest at reciprocating affection toward me in this house.

This year has been so rough for me. I have had more lows than highs and I have been unhappy a great deal of the time. However, no matter how low I have gotten I always come back to the same thing. I love being a mother. I don't feel like I am particularly good at it. In fact, Dave is much more natural at parenting than I am. However, I have the strongest desire imaginable to succeed at my most important job. I think that is why I am undertaking this commitment to change with such seriousness. I want my kids to remember their childhoods with pride and affection. I don't recall mine that way and it saddens me to think of my children someday saying, "My mom could never get out of her pajamas." I absolutely cannot allow that to be what I leave them with. I absolutely have to make this work. I absolutely have to succeed. I really hope that I can.

Maybe I Posted Too Soon

Turns out I may not have managed today as well as I thought I had. Nothing major happened, however I feel like my depression caused me to get angry for no reason. I started to get a headache around 7 p.m. It was bath time, so I figured that was a good time to come upstairs and watch "The Duchess." I just finished the book and I really loved it. Dave finished up bed time and then went downstairs. I am not too sure what he was doing. I figured he was cleaning up or just messing on the computer. I started the movie and was all snuggled in when the planes set in. Those ridiculous jets had to have been just circling and circling. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was 45 minutes of continual jet noise. Normally I am able to pause my movie for a second and then resume. The jets go over one at a time and then it stops. This was not the case. It sounded like the stupid thing or things were right outside of my window just circling. This was absolutely maddening for me. I couldn't read because it was so loud and distracting. I couldn't watch my movie because I couldn't hear. It was just this continual loud noise that there was absolutely no hope of tuning out.

I started to to get agitated. And for some reason, I started to get mad at Dave. I was wondering why the heck he was still downstairs. I wanted to know why he wasn't as annoyed with the planes as I was. For some reason, I just started to think to myself that if he hadn't enlisted I could be watching my movie in peace somewhere, instead of hearing a noise that for some reason I just could not handle. When Dave came upstairs, he brought me a snack. He set it down and I told him to go away and leave me alone. He looked so confused and sad. He went and took a shower and then came back in and finished watching the movie with me. Then we watched "Notorious" together.

Everything was normal after that. I didn't apologize. I don't really know if I need to. I feel bad for snapping at him. At times like that, it just feels really good to snap at him and I don't know why. I can count on one hand the number of times he has ever snapped at me. In part, I think that is why it is so gratifying to snap at him. I feel terrible about it afterward, but in that one moment it helps. I don't know why the noise agitated me so much this evening. I guess I really just wanted some peace and quiet. Instead, I experienced anger. It was completely irrational, misdirected anger. The annoyance was rational, I think. But what am I going to do? Write a letter to the Navy? I need to find a better outlet than Dave.

My husband is extraordinarily nice, immensely patient, and extremely kind. He doesn't deserve to be snapped at and I feel so sad for him that he is continually in my line of fire. He doesn't understand depression very well. I think it baffles him even more when he gets snapped at for no reason. He knows that ultimately, the anger is a byproduct of the depression. However, since he can't understand the real cause, it is even more confusing. I don't want him to be walking on eggshells. I want him to be happy. I wish that I could at least find a way for him to understand. Then maybe he would be capable of brushing it off when I snap at him, or even holding me accountable for it rather than just ignoring the problem.