Today. Tomorrow. The Next.

I don't really have much to say about today. I napped when I should have cleaned, and therefore put the cleaning off until tomorrow. I napped when I should have worked out, but I plan to go to the gym tomorrow. I spent too much time on the computer, as usual. Tomorrow my goal is less than an hour and to spend most of that time posting here about my day. I even pawned the laundry off on Dave because I didn't feel like doing anything. I wasn't snappy or short at all today. I just had no energy. I even cancelled and moved my doctors appointment that I was so looking forward to. I really needed to address some of my concerns. I did finally find a therapist that came highly recommended and I made an appointment for next month when we get back from our trip back home.

I think that part of my sluggishness may be due to my fear of flying and therefore my anxiety about our trip. Everyone will say to me, "Oh flying is difficult for me as well." They all try very hard to be helpful. However, I think that they are underestimating my fear of flying. The entire time I am on the plane, I pray. I am shaking and restless. I can't stop thinking of the worst. My legs bounce up and down. I get so frustrated because Dave is literally incapable of staying awake when he is still. I truly think he might be narcoleptic to some degree. His sleep issues are a huge agitation for me. Back on to my point, Dave cannot keep himself awake. Therefore, I cannot fall asleep and sleep through the flight because I can't rely on him. If I could just put on my headphones and sleep through the flight, I think I would be alright. But it isn't safe for my family for me to do so. Dave will be the one sleeping, even though he doesn't mind flying. I will be annoyed and snappy because I am so scared. At least I know that once we touch down, I don't have to board another plane for two weeks, and after that I hope it won't be until Christmas.

So my plan is to make tomorrow better. I am going to go to the gym and then come home and clean and finish packing up during nap time. Then I am going to make sure I am not on the computer after nap time. I am making it my goal not to be on until after dinner. I need to be more interactive as a parent. I am so out of touch with myself that I think some days I retreat to cyberland because it does not require me to think too much about myself and my problems. I really have quite a bit I need to do tomorrow. I want to get my hair cut as well before we go home. I need to eventually start getting ready during the days and not have my hair in a pony tail all day long. I also want to leave my house clean and uncluttered so that I don't come home and need to clean.

I know my son has other plans for my return to a clean house. He likes to pull every single toy out before he actually starts to play with anything. He also pulls all of the DVDs down and he likes to see what he can access off of the top of the computer desk. He has become a very adept little climber. It drives me crazy. I am completely convinced that one day he is going to lose his footing, smack his chin, and lose the majority of his teeth. I don't recall my daughter being so messy nor so reckless at 16 months old. I also don't recall her being so snuggly. He is both my greatest worry and the greatest at reciprocating affection toward me in this house.

This year has been so rough for me. I have had more lows than highs and I have been unhappy a great deal of the time. However, no matter how low I have gotten I always come back to the same thing. I love being a mother. I don't feel like I am particularly good at it. In fact, Dave is much more natural at parenting than I am. However, I have the strongest desire imaginable to succeed at my most important job. I think that is why I am undertaking this commitment to change with such seriousness. I want my kids to remember their childhoods with pride and affection. I don't recall mine that way and it saddens me to think of my children someday saying, "My mom could never get out of her pajamas." I absolutely cannot allow that to be what I leave them with. I absolutely have to make this work. I absolutely have to succeed. I really hope that I can.