Yesterday Was a Missed Opportunity

I really see yesterday as a missed opportunity and I am pretty sad about it. One of the goals that I listed in my first blog was that I need to come to a better place with the death of my friend. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of her death and though I am in my home town, I didn't go out and pay her a visit. I haunted that cemetery for almost 3 years after she died. I took her books, CDs, and flowers. I brought her cards and letters. I feel that I should have gotten out there yesterday. I should have taken my son to see her. I should have said goodbye one more time.

I have never quite dealt with her death the way that I should have. I say goodbye to her, and think I mean it. However, I always end up feeling like I owe her something more. I feel like I should do things better for her. I always feel like we didn't have enough time. She was a truly amazing person. One of those people that you just feel so lucky for having known and even luckier for having the privilege of being close to her. She made everything fun. She made everything count. She was more like a force of nature than a person.

I often find myself wondering what my life would be like if she hadn't died. I doubt I would have my daughter. I wonder if I would have ended up with Dave. I think everything would have been different. I was talking about moving with her to St. Louis at the end of the summer. I really wanted to and I really would have gone with her. If I had done that, there is no way my life would be what it is today. She had such a profound effect on me when she was alive, but I think that sometimes her death has been my undoing.

Her car accident, the night it happened, and the days immediately following are a source of really intense regret for me. I wish I could have saved her. I also wish that I had been on a different street corner when the crash took place. I would give anything to have been across town, to have needed a phone call to know that she had died. I would give anything to not have heard that sound. I would give anything to not have run up that hill. I would give anything to have gone with her earlier in the night. I wish I hadn't made the choice to follow a boy. I could have been where she was, maybe things would have turned out differently. I wish I hadn't snapped at her before we went separate ways. I am sure that at the moment of her death, she was still annoyed with my attitude. That thought alone is crippling to me.

I just feel that there is so much left for me to say to her. So much that I should have had the chance to make right. She was probably the best out of all of us. I know I certainly wasn't and I still am not. I still just don't understand why it all happened that way. I wish every day that I could have one more day, even one more hour to tell her how much I loved her. I would completely erase the last 5 years of my life and redo them if I could. That might mean my family would change, but I would do it. I would owe it to Charlieann to do it. I would do anything to not have had a friend to name my daughter after. Anything.