Turns out I may not have managed today as well as I thought I had. Nothing major happened, however I feel like my depression caused me to get angry for no reason. I started to get a headache around 7 p.m. It was bath time, so I figured that was a good time to come upstairs and watch "The Duchess." I just finished the book and I really loved it. Dave finished up bed time and then went downstairs. I am not too sure what he was doing. I figured he was cleaning up or just messing on the computer. I started the movie and was all snuggled in when the planes set in. Those ridiculous jets had to have been just circling and circling. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was 45 minutes of continual jet noise. Normally I am able to pause my movie for a second and then resume. The jets go over one at a time and then it stops. This was not the case. It sounded like the stupid thing or things were right outside of my window just circling. This was absolutely maddening for me. I couldn't read because it was so loud and distracting. I couldn't watch my movie because I couldn't hear. It was just this continual loud noise that there was absolutely no hope of tuning out.
I started to to get agitated. And for some reason, I started to get mad at Dave. I was wondering why the heck he was still downstairs. I wanted to know why he wasn't as annoyed with the planes as I was. For some reason, I just started to think to myself that if he hadn't enlisted I could be watching my movie in peace somewhere, instead of hearing a noise that for some reason I just could not handle. When Dave came upstairs, he brought me a snack. He set it down and I told him to go away and leave me alone. He looked so confused and sad. He went and took a shower and then came back in and finished watching the movie with me. Then we watched "Notorious" together.
Everything was normal after that. I didn't apologize. I don't really know if I need to. I feel bad for snapping at him. At times like that, it just feels really good to snap at him and I don't know why. I can count on one hand the number of times he has ever snapped at me. In part, I think that is why it is so gratifying to snap at him. I feel terrible about it afterward, but in that one moment it helps. I don't know why the noise agitated me so much this evening. I guess I really just wanted some peace and quiet. Instead, I experienced anger. It was completely irrational, misdirected anger. The annoyance was rational, I think. But what am I going to do? Write a letter to the Navy? I need to find a better outlet than Dave.
My husband is extraordinarily nice, immensely patient, and extremely kind. He doesn't deserve to be snapped at and I feel so sad for him that he is continually in my line of fire. He doesn't understand depression very well. I think it baffles him even more when he gets snapped at for no reason. He knows that ultimately, the anger is a byproduct of the depression. However, since he can't understand the real cause, it is even more confusing. I don't want him to be walking on eggshells. I want him to be happy. I wish that I could at least find a way for him to understand. Then maybe he would be capable of brushing it off when I snap at him, or even holding me accountable for it rather than just ignoring the problem.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Beginning
I realized today that we have been here in our new home for just over a year. We have at least a year left here and I just keep thinking that if we could move, and if I could be somewhere sunny things would turn around for me. However, upon further reflection I realize that moving although nice and desirable, would be a quick fix for a bigger problem. I need to overcome the clouds in my life in a more complete and distinct way. Sure, the weather here probably isn't helping things. I am well aware that the days are more difficult for me when they are cloudy. But there is more to it than that.
I have suffered from depression since high school. When I was a freshman, I took an overdose of pills. I remember swallowing them by the handful. I was silly and young and they were green advil capsules of some sort. I then called a friend who called 911. I had my stomach pumped and it was the worst, most haunting experience of my life. I can only describe it as being caught between life and death. I felt like I was choking, I couldn't breathe. All I wanted was for that tube to be removed from my throat because I knew I was suffocating. But, I knew that if it was removed, I would die anyways. After that, I was treated as an outpatient at a mental health facility for a month. It truly helped. I was able to go three years after that without even needing antidepressants. I was a functional, happy teenager. Then my junior year I started to experiment with drugs. I gained a lot of weight and my mother noticed that something had changed. She immediately took action, and I was put on antidepressants. The change was almost immediate and I stayed on the drug for about a year. At that point I was removed from the medication so that it would not permanently alter my body chemistry. All was well except for minor ups and downs until, last year.
In March of 2008, I gave birth to my son. When he was 6 weeks old, my husband received his first set of orders and we drove to our new home. We live 1,600 miles away from our hometown and in a drastically different climate. Not to mention, life as a Navy wife is draining. I am used to having my husband around quite a bit more than he is now able to and even the thought of the separations that we are going to face causes me anxiety. At first when I got here, I thought I was suffering from Post Partum Depression. I got myself back on antidepressants and figured it would be easy to kick the problem. Here I sit now, one year later. Still living in my pajamas all day. I am barely able to drag myself out of the house. Weeks go by where I do not leave my home at all. I am 74 pounds overweight and I am miserable. I feel like I am trapped in a vicious cycle and sometimes I feel like I am trapped in my own mind.
Three weeks ago, I made a commitment to changing. I not only want to change the way things are, but I feel that I must change things. If I don't I fear that my marriage will fail, I will fail in my educational goals, I will fail as a parent, and I will fail myself in a very large sense. I joined Weight Watchers and started to work out. It's difficult for me to get motivated but I feel like losing weight and changing my workout habits will have a powerful effect on my mentality. I am also going to get back on antidepressants (I hope temporarily) and seek out therapy in order to really get a grasp on this issue. I am fully committed to changing my life for the better and I would like for this blog to follow me on my journey. In conclusion, I will be listing my goals, both long and short term.
1. Lose 74 pounds
2. Incorporate exercise 4-5 times per week into my routine.
3. Incorporate playdates (or just getting out of the house) into my routine at least 3 times per week.
4. Finish my bachelors degree.
5. Keep on top of cleaning the house.
6. STOP RELYING ON NAPS.
7. Limit Computer use to 2 hours per day.
8. Commit fully to a vegan way of life.
9. Eat Raw Vegan for a period of time.
10. Save up $1000 dollars
11. Get involved with either volunteering or working for something I actually enjoy
12. Find some sort of closure to my relationship with my father.
13. Come to a more peaceful place with the death of my friend.
14. Take steps to manage our money better.
15. Read through all of the books in my book drawer.
I have suffered from depression since high school. When I was a freshman, I took an overdose of pills. I remember swallowing them by the handful. I was silly and young and they were green advil capsules of some sort. I then called a friend who called 911. I had my stomach pumped and it was the worst, most haunting experience of my life. I can only describe it as being caught between life and death. I felt like I was choking, I couldn't breathe. All I wanted was for that tube to be removed from my throat because I knew I was suffocating. But, I knew that if it was removed, I would die anyways. After that, I was treated as an outpatient at a mental health facility for a month. It truly helped. I was able to go three years after that without even needing antidepressants. I was a functional, happy teenager. Then my junior year I started to experiment with drugs. I gained a lot of weight and my mother noticed that something had changed. She immediately took action, and I was put on antidepressants. The change was almost immediate and I stayed on the drug for about a year. At that point I was removed from the medication so that it would not permanently alter my body chemistry. All was well except for minor ups and downs until, last year.
In March of 2008, I gave birth to my son. When he was 6 weeks old, my husband received his first set of orders and we drove to our new home. We live 1,600 miles away from our hometown and in a drastically different climate. Not to mention, life as a Navy wife is draining. I am used to having my husband around quite a bit more than he is now able to and even the thought of the separations that we are going to face causes me anxiety. At first when I got here, I thought I was suffering from Post Partum Depression. I got myself back on antidepressants and figured it would be easy to kick the problem. Here I sit now, one year later. Still living in my pajamas all day. I am barely able to drag myself out of the house. Weeks go by where I do not leave my home at all. I am 74 pounds overweight and I am miserable. I feel like I am trapped in a vicious cycle and sometimes I feel like I am trapped in my own mind.
Three weeks ago, I made a commitment to changing. I not only want to change the way things are, but I feel that I must change things. If I don't I fear that my marriage will fail, I will fail in my educational goals, I will fail as a parent, and I will fail myself in a very large sense. I joined Weight Watchers and started to work out. It's difficult for me to get motivated but I feel like losing weight and changing my workout habits will have a powerful effect on my mentality. I am also going to get back on antidepressants (I hope temporarily) and seek out therapy in order to really get a grasp on this issue. I am fully committed to changing my life for the better and I would like for this blog to follow me on my journey. In conclusion, I will be listing my goals, both long and short term.
1. Lose 74 pounds
2. Incorporate exercise 4-5 times per week into my routine.
3. Incorporate playdates (or just getting out of the house) into my routine at least 3 times per week.
4. Finish my bachelors degree.
5. Keep on top of cleaning the house.
6. STOP RELYING ON NAPS.
7. Limit Computer use to 2 hours per day.
8. Commit fully to a vegan way of life.
9. Eat Raw Vegan for a period of time.
10. Save up $1000 dollars
11. Get involved with either volunteering or working for something I actually enjoy
12. Find some sort of closure to my relationship with my father.
13. Come to a more peaceful place with the death of my friend.
14. Take steps to manage our money better.
15. Read through all of the books in my book drawer.
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