I'm A Slug...

Well, not really a slug. But for some reason, traveling makes me really sluggish. This is bad news considering I am a pretty sluggish person as it is these days. For some reason once we come to Colorado it takes me several days to get my butt in gear and not be so darn tired. Today we slept in until 9 a.m. and then took a nap from about 1 until 3. Now I am showered and ready to do dinner and go to the Kiddie Rides at City Park but in all honesty, if I laid down right now I could fall back to sleep and probably sleep all night. I think I might need to take a detour to Vitamin Cottage and see about getting something to help with my energy. I don't want to spend my vacation being tired and sluggish.

I also realized today that I miss working out. I think it was helping with my energy. I think I am going to call the gyms around here and see if any of them offer some sort of two week pass that I could buy. I know most of them have day cares, so on the days that Dave will be working I could just drop him off and then go. He won't be working too much at all, so that's perfect. I only know one person here who has a gym membership and she is out of town Sunday through Thursday because she is going to school in a different city.

Speaking of working out, tomorrow is weigh in day for me. I honestly have started looking forward to weigh in day because I really think that Weight Watchers is working and although it isn't dramatic, I am managing to lose weight. I am not sure if there is a difference between my scale and my grandmothers, but we will find out tomorrow if I have lost any more weight. Watching what you eat on vacation is pretty difficult but I have really been giving it my best. I hope that at the very least I don't gain any weight while we are here visiting. I think that I can do it. I know that I can do it, I just have to use my better judgement and not let Dave lead me astray. He's really my worst enemy when it comes to dieting.

This is not my first attempt to get back my old body. Every time I try, I have Dave next to me. He wants Dairy Queen, he wants fast food, he wants midnight snacks. He just doesn't "get it." I think in part, he doesn't understand how miserable I am being so fat. I also think that he doesn't realize how eating the way he does is so much worse for me than it is for him. To be honest, he's a lot bigger than he was 3 1/2 years ago too. Luckily for him, he's a man and it therefore doesn't matter as much. I just wish that he was more supportive. Hell, I would even take him not caring and going along with it. It would be much better than thinking, "I really wish Dave would get deployed so that I could just lose this weight." I don't want Dave to get deployed. Honestly, it is one of my worst nightmares. However the truth is that as far as "working on me," it would probably be one of the best things that could happen. I would never tell him that though, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings and honestly there is no way at all that I could make him understand.

I was showering today and thinking about weighing in tomorrow. I was thinking about how I have lost about 10 pounds already. I was also thinking of how long it is going to take me to lose all of the weight that I need to lose. I am hoping to look decent by next summer, which seems a long way off. I was letting myself get bitten by regret. I regret so much that I was not more cautious right after I gave birth. I regret so much that I didn't stick to the diet I was on around Christmas. I regret that I got pregnant when I was already 25 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. I really wish there was some sort of "Second Chance" button that I could press. It would be a one time only button and I could press it and have my old body back instantly. Since it was one time only, I would have to be grateful and not take it for granted. I know that I will never again take my body for granted. I never want to be this way again and I definitely don't want to be this way any longer. I just want to lose this weight and never see it again. I don't care if that means I never see some of my favorite foods again. I wouldn't wish the sadness of being this heavy upon anyone. Everywhere I go, I stand out because of it. Being fat has made me wish that I never had to leave my house. I can't wait to keep going and lose the weight. I think that it will be my biggest victory ever.

Maybe I Posted Too Soon

Turns out I may not have managed today as well as I thought I had. Nothing major happened, however I feel like my depression caused me to get angry for no reason. I started to get a headache around 7 p.m. It was bath time, so I figured that was a good time to come upstairs and watch "The Duchess." I just finished the book and I really loved it. Dave finished up bed time and then went downstairs. I am not too sure what he was doing. I figured he was cleaning up or just messing on the computer. I started the movie and was all snuggled in when the planes set in. Those ridiculous jets had to have been just circling and circling. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was 45 minutes of continual jet noise. Normally I am able to pause my movie for a second and then resume. The jets go over one at a time and then it stops. This was not the case. It sounded like the stupid thing or things were right outside of my window just circling. This was absolutely maddening for me. I couldn't read because it was so loud and distracting. I couldn't watch my movie because I couldn't hear. It was just this continual loud noise that there was absolutely no hope of tuning out.

I started to to get agitated. And for some reason, I started to get mad at Dave. I was wondering why the heck he was still downstairs. I wanted to know why he wasn't as annoyed with the planes as I was. For some reason, I just started to think to myself that if he hadn't enlisted I could be watching my movie in peace somewhere, instead of hearing a noise that for some reason I just could not handle. When Dave came upstairs, he brought me a snack. He set it down and I told him to go away and leave me alone. He looked so confused and sad. He went and took a shower and then came back in and finished watching the movie with me. Then we watched "Notorious" together.

Everything was normal after that. I didn't apologize. I don't really know if I need to. I feel bad for snapping at him. At times like that, it just feels really good to snap at him and I don't know why. I can count on one hand the number of times he has ever snapped at me. In part, I think that is why it is so gratifying to snap at him. I feel terrible about it afterward, but in that one moment it helps. I don't know why the noise agitated me so much this evening. I guess I really just wanted some peace and quiet. Instead, I experienced anger. It was completely irrational, misdirected anger. The annoyance was rational, I think. But what am I going to do? Write a letter to the Navy? I need to find a better outlet than Dave.

My husband is extraordinarily nice, immensely patient, and extremely kind. He doesn't deserve to be snapped at and I feel so sad for him that he is continually in my line of fire. He doesn't understand depression very well. I think it baffles him even more when he gets snapped at for no reason. He knows that ultimately, the anger is a byproduct of the depression. However, since he can't understand the real cause, it is even more confusing. I don't want him to be walking on eggshells. I want him to be happy. I wish that I could at least find a way for him to understand. Then maybe he would be capable of brushing it off when I snap at him, or even holding me accountable for it rather than just ignoring the problem.