Maybe I Posted Too Soon

Turns out I may not have managed today as well as I thought I had. Nothing major happened, however I feel like my depression caused me to get angry for no reason. I started to get a headache around 7 p.m. It was bath time, so I figured that was a good time to come upstairs and watch "The Duchess." I just finished the book and I really loved it. Dave finished up bed time and then went downstairs. I am not too sure what he was doing. I figured he was cleaning up or just messing on the computer. I started the movie and was all snuggled in when the planes set in. Those ridiculous jets had to have been just circling and circling. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was 45 minutes of continual jet noise. Normally I am able to pause my movie for a second and then resume. The jets go over one at a time and then it stops. This was not the case. It sounded like the stupid thing or things were right outside of my window just circling. This was absolutely maddening for me. I couldn't read because it was so loud and distracting. I couldn't watch my movie because I couldn't hear. It was just this continual loud noise that there was absolutely no hope of tuning out.

I started to to get agitated. And for some reason, I started to get mad at Dave. I was wondering why the heck he was still downstairs. I wanted to know why he wasn't as annoyed with the planes as I was. For some reason, I just started to think to myself that if he hadn't enlisted I could be watching my movie in peace somewhere, instead of hearing a noise that for some reason I just could not handle. When Dave came upstairs, he brought me a snack. He set it down and I told him to go away and leave me alone. He looked so confused and sad. He went and took a shower and then came back in and finished watching the movie with me. Then we watched "Notorious" together.

Everything was normal after that. I didn't apologize. I don't really know if I need to. I feel bad for snapping at him. At times like that, it just feels really good to snap at him and I don't know why. I can count on one hand the number of times he has ever snapped at me. In part, I think that is why it is so gratifying to snap at him. I feel terrible about it afterward, but in that one moment it helps. I don't know why the noise agitated me so much this evening. I guess I really just wanted some peace and quiet. Instead, I experienced anger. It was completely irrational, misdirected anger. The annoyance was rational, I think. But what am I going to do? Write a letter to the Navy? I need to find a better outlet than Dave.

My husband is extraordinarily nice, immensely patient, and extremely kind. He doesn't deserve to be snapped at and I feel so sad for him that he is continually in my line of fire. He doesn't understand depression very well. I think it baffles him even more when he gets snapped at for no reason. He knows that ultimately, the anger is a byproduct of the depression. However, since he can't understand the real cause, it is even more confusing. I don't want him to be walking on eggshells. I want him to be happy. I wish that I could at least find a way for him to understand. Then maybe he would be capable of brushing it off when I snap at him, or even holding me accountable for it rather than just ignoring the problem.