Beginning

I realized today that we have been here in our new home for just over a year. We have at least a year left here and I just keep thinking that if we could move, and if I could be somewhere sunny things would turn around for me. However, upon further reflection I realize that moving although nice and desirable, would be a quick fix for a bigger problem. I need to overcome the clouds in my life in a more complete and distinct way. Sure, the weather here probably isn't helping things. I am well aware that the days are more difficult for me when they are cloudy. But there is more to it than that.

I have suffered from depression since high school. When I was a freshman, I took an overdose of pills. I remember swallowing them by the handful. I was silly and young and they were green advil capsules of some sort. I then called a friend who called 911. I had my stomach pumped and it was the worst, most haunting experience of my life. I can only describe it as being caught between life and death. I felt like I was choking, I couldn't breathe. All I wanted was for that tube to be removed from my throat because I knew I was suffocating. But, I knew that if it was removed, I would die anyways. After that, I was treated as an outpatient at a mental health facility for a month. It truly helped. I was able to go three years after that without even needing antidepressants. I was a functional, happy teenager. Then my junior year I started to experiment with drugs. I gained a lot of weight and my mother noticed that something had changed. She immediately took action, and I was put on antidepressants. The change was almost immediate and I stayed on the drug for about a year. At that point I was removed from the medication so that it would not permanently alter my body chemistry. All was well except for minor ups and downs until, last year.

In March of 2008, I gave birth to my son. When he was 6 weeks old, my husband received his first set of orders and we drove to our new home. We live 1,600 miles away from our hometown and in a drastically different climate. Not to mention, life as a Navy wife is draining. I am used to having my husband around quite a bit more than he is now able to and even the thought of the separations that we are going to face causes me anxiety. At first when I got here, I thought I was suffering from Post Partum Depression. I got myself back on antidepressants and figured it would be easy to kick the problem. Here I sit now, one year later. Still living in my pajamas all day. I am barely able to drag myself out of the house. Weeks go by where I do not leave my home at all. I am 74 pounds overweight and I am miserable. I feel like I am trapped in a vicious cycle and sometimes I feel like I am trapped in my own mind.

Three weeks ago, I made a commitment to changing. I not only want to change the way things are, but I feel that I must change things. If I don't I fear that my marriage will fail, I will fail in my educational goals, I will fail as a parent, and I will fail myself in a very large sense. I joined Weight Watchers and started to work out. It's difficult for me to get motivated but I feel like losing weight and changing my workout habits will have a powerful effect on my mentality. I am also going to get back on antidepressants (I hope temporarily) and seek out therapy in order to really get a grasp on this issue. I am fully committed to changing my life for the better and I would like for this blog to follow me on my journey. In conclusion, I will be listing my goals, both long and short term.

1. Lose 74 pounds
2. Incorporate exercise 4-5 times per week into my routine.
3. Incorporate playdates (or just getting out of the house) into my routine at least 3 times per week.
4. Finish my bachelors degree.
5. Keep on top of cleaning the house.
6. STOP RELYING ON NAPS.
7. Limit Computer use to 2 hours per day.
8. Commit fully to a vegan way of life.
9. Eat Raw Vegan for a period of time.
10. Save up $1000 dollars
11. Get involved with either volunteering or working for something I actually enjoy
12. Find some sort of closure to my relationship with my father.
13. Come to a more peaceful place with the death of my friend.
14. Take steps to manage our money better.
15. Read through all of the books in my book drawer.