Dear Dad.

Dear Dad,

It has recently come to my attention that we have a miscommunication going on. I find it highly ironic that this is even possible, given that we haven't spoken in over 5 years. However, I want to clear things up anyways. It seems that you have been telling people that the reason for our estrangement has to do with child support payments. I am not sure if you are confused or lying, though neither would surprise me. The fact is, child support payments have nothing to do with my decision to discontinue my contact with you. In order to clear that up, I would like to present you with a short timeline of events.

In all fairness, I do not remember the exact date of when you last went to court with my mother over child support. I know that it was before I turned 18 (in March 2004) and I know that you were ordered to abide by your divorce decree and pay me around $500 per month up until my 22nd birthday. This was contingent upon my enrollment in school and my maintaing a 2.0 GPA, as per your original divorce decree.

We will start our timeline in July of 2004. Sometime during the week of July 11th, you called to invite me to a Luau at your newly built home. During the course of this conversation, you passed the phone off to your wife. She, of course, could not maintain a civil conversation with me for long. Soon the conversation turned to my mother. I do not remember why. What I do know is that during this verbal confrontation, your wife proceeded to call my mother a lying bitch. It was at this point that I threatened to smash her face in with my foot and hung up on her. A few moments later, you called back and decided that it was appropriate to lecture me on respect and the way that your wife deserved to be spoken to. I asked you if you had spoken to her about speaking to me with respect and not saying hateful things about the woman who raised me. You told me that she was an "adult" and could say whatever she wanted to me, given that I was a "child." At that point, I used some choice words and hung up on you as well. That was the last time that we spoke to one another (Aside from a brief encounter at Christmas 2005).

Fast forward to December 2004. My first semester of college had just ended. At this point I had been 18 for roughly 9 months and I had not seen a single cent of child support from you. You had been told that at 18, your wages would stop being garnished for child support. At that point, you were responsible for paying the money directly to me. This was an obligation you apparently did not see fit to fulfill. In December, I contacted you via written letter. I informed you that I was not going to press the matter of the previous 9 months for which you owed me support. I also informed you that I was enclosing a copy of my grade report for the semester and that I would appreciate it if payments would begin at that point.

Fast forward again, this time just a few weeks. I received a registered letter from you. Although it was simply a handwritten note, you seemed to feel that making me sign for it made it more official. This note stated that my grade report was not sufficient and that you wanted a sealed transcript mailed directly from the registrars office in order to verify my GPA. There was no mention of the 9 months you already owed me for. This is also not something that was stipulated by the courts. Regardless, I went to the registrars office to inquire. I was told that the transcript would cost $10 and for them to mail it to you would cost another $3. At this point, I wrote you back and informed you of this. I stated that I would appreciate a check for $13 to pay for this service and once the money was received, I would have the transcript sent. After this letter, I never heard from you again.

I provided the timeline to illustrate the fact that I had terminated contact with you well before the child support became an issue. I hope that it refreshes your memory and you will cease from telling people that I quit talking to you because of money. Now, I would like to make a couple of notes regarding issues that I addressed in the timeline. This serves no real purpose, other than to get the thoughts off of my chest.

First off, I want it known that I always knew you would find a way to avoid paying me child support. You spent 18 years trying to find a way to lessen the amount you paid to my mother. You even spent periods of time not paying her at all. I figured I would receive it for a while and then somehow you would find a reason to cease payment.In fact, you and I both know that I graduated high school with a gold cord. I have never had anything below a 3.0 GPA and you know it. Anyone with a lick of intelligence knows that your transcript request was a ruse. You can claim that you doubted my grades all that you want, I'm not buying it.

My second point ties in to the first. I want you to know that I spent a large portion of my childhood being very confused. My mom never told me very much about the court proceedings you two were always tied up in. You and your spouse, on the other hand, told me quite a bit (once you started seeing me). You would tell me how my mom wanted more money than you could afford and that she was misusing the funds. I never really knew what to believe. Now that I am a parent myself, I know who I believe. My mother has only recently told me some of the things that happened. However, I wholeheartedly agree with her. You make roughly three times what she makes and you live a lifestyle that I am unfamiliar with. Yet for some reason, paying a few hundred dollars a month to support me was something you never seemed to want to do. I don't think that my mother was trying to cheat you, I think that you couldn't bear to part with money that you could have used to buy your wife the material things that she seems to put so much stock in.

Now, onto my third point. I mentioned previously that my mother only recently told me parts of "her side." I want you to know that I do not have any dellusions about my mom. I don't glorify her at all. She spent most of my childhood smoking crack and abusing alcohol. However, I give credit where credit is due and I am not sure if you aware of this but my mother bent over backwards to never bad mouth you, your wife, or any member of your family. She always made excuses for you and encouraged me to have a relationship with you. This is a courtesy you never even attempted to bestow upon her. As a child, I had no real opinion on this behavior. As an adult and parent, I find it reprehensible. Regardless of what my mom was, she raised me. In fact, she cleaned up her life for me. This brings me to my fourth point

While my mom was a substance abuser struggling to raise a child, you were a substance abuser avoiding all read responsibility. You are biological father of 5 children, that I know of. Yet you have only ever acted as a parent to one person, and that person is your step daughter. I mention this for one reason, for a long time you have acted like my mom wanted money to spend on drugs and that she was neglecting me. I find this very hypocritical of you. You and she sobered up around the same time. So during this period, that was probably your intention as well. My mother somehow managed to never neglect me. This is most likely a miracle and I am not claiming that it was easy or that I didn't go without. However, I just want to ask you what you were doing that was different? Aside from not taking the responsibility she was taking, you were exhibiting the same behaviors as she was. In recent years, I have even heard stories of you giving parenting advice to one of my sisters. This is laughable at best. You seem to only take interest in your children after the age of 18, and as a result you have no business pretending that you are now or ever have been any more then a glorified sperm donor.

In conclusion, I want you to know a couple of things. First off, I really do not harbor any ill feelings toward you. In fact, I rarely even think of you. For the most part, I really pity Kena, Jeff, and Mandi for still seeking your approval and bothering to try and foster a relationship with you. I know that they are never going to get what they need. I envy Marissa for realizing this sooner. She was definitely the most perceptive out of all of us. I have never really felt that I missed out on anything by not having a father. I am not sure why, but it works for me. I know that you will never see the light. I know that you will never change your behavior and you will never understand what you have done wrong. I can only hope that when the day comes that you are standing before God, it will dawn on you. Secondly, my threat toward your wife stands. I see no reason for us to be in the same city with one another. But for the sake of warning her, I wanted to let you know. I have grown as a person quite a bit in the last 5 years but I doubt I will ever grow enough to overlook anyone insulting my mother. If the occasion ever comes to pass that we meet, she should stay 50 feet away from me at all times.

Thank you for your time and your semen,

Molly

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Man, I guess my life is just too boring to be blogged about. I just have had nothing to write for the past couple of weeks. I am still dealing with overwhelming fatigue and sleeping quite a bit. I am having trouble eating right because nothing sounds good. And I am drinking so much water that I think I might turn into liquid very soon.

I have my first "official" appointment with my midwife tomorrow. That means that instead of just talking we will actually begin my maternity care. I am really excited because finally getting maternity care makes this seem so much more real. I am very anxious to hear the baby's heart beat and get my pregnancy confirmed so that I can start getting WIC and seeing the MSS nurse from the base.

We found out today that Archer has warts. Since he is so young, there really isn't anything that can be done about them. We just have to watch and hope that they go away. I feel bad for him because warts are no fun and they are recurring, meaning that he started early and will probably always get them. Poor little guy, he is doomed to a life of wartiness like his dad.

We are still waiting on the "official" orders to Lemoore, CA but Dave knows for certain that is where he is being sent. He just needs to get a hard copy so that we can start planning. I am so ready to move and get off of this island.I would move tomorrow if they would let us.

Other than that, there really is nothing to report.

I Feel Like I am at a Standstill

I am at one of those points in life where I feel like there are a bunch of things that I should be doing. But I can't seem to get any of them done. I really need to make dentist appointments, but I am waiting on new dental insurance cards. I need to get on WIC, but I am waiting to get confirmation of my pregnancy from an O.B. I want to start having Maternity Support Services come to my home, but again I need pregnancy confirmation. I want to start seeing a personal trainer at the gym, but I need to wait til after I see an O.B. and get the okay. I want to start buying nursery furniture, bedding, and diapers for the new addition. But I think I need to wait until I know when and where we will be moving before I start adding stuff in that we need to pack.

I hate the feeling that I need to do things but I can't do them. It makes me feel powerless and I have come to the conclusion that I am kind of a control freak. I am hoping that I can get the pregnancy confirmation stuff done in the next couple of weeks. I might just go to the on base Urgent Care clinic and take a pregnancy test to speed things up. The WIC would really help us out with our grocery bill. The grocery bill is the most financially draining aspect of our lives.

I am also really anxious about our impending move. I hate not knowing when we will go and not knowing where exactly we will be living. Especially since it is going to be right around my due date. It sort of makes me feel homeless, which isn't really a cool feeling. I am really excited to be getting off of this God forsaken island. I just wish that things in the Navy were more cut and dry. I think it is part of the way that they test the sailors that they make things so strange and difficult.

In other news, I have horrible early pregnancy fatigue and have been sleeping 18 hours a day. I am really lucky that my husband doesn't care because he could easily get very resentful over this. I am only 7 weeks pregnant so I have about 5 more weeks until this phase is over. I am really hoping it is right at the 12 week mark that things start to turn around because I hate feeling like this!

What Fun I've Been Having!

I really like to wind down my day by bumming around on the computer and listening to music. To do this, I sometimes use a website called Project Playlist but most of the time I use I tunes. Dave and I both have I pods and we are Mac users, so we have I tunes on our computer. Lately I noticed that Dave has literally every CD he has ever owned and every piece of music he loves uploaded to I tunes. I also noticed that all of my music is newer music that I just discovered, downloaded, or recently felt like hearing. Upon this realization, I embarked on a mission. I am currently working on uploading every single CD from the two cases I own. I haven't purchased a CD in a long time, so there isn't much in these cases that is very current. However, it has been a blast.

I have very eclectic taste in music. I love country, hip-hop, electronic music, classic rock, alternative, pop, and pretty much anything else there is. These CDs that I am working on uploading range from Sum 41 to Eminem to Mark Wills to DJ Sasha to Elton John. If a random stranger were to look through my I tunes playlist, they would either think it was shared by 6 different people or they would think that I was schizophrenic. But I can say one thing about this mission of mine...I am absolutely having a blast doing it.

Today alone, I have listened to two different 'N Sync albums, a bunch of Eminem's older stuff, every Smashing Pumpkins album ever made, and the soundtrack to Blow. There was also about an hour long interval where I danced like a crazy person to an old Savage Garden CD. It has been a very musically liberating day for me.

One of the most wonderful things about listening to all of this music is that it reminds me of so many different things. Some of it reminds me of high school, some of middle school, some of parties, there are football games, rides home from school with friends, movies that I love, boys that I thought I loved, and it mostly reminds me of me.

I sometimes forget how much I have changed and evolved in the past 23 years. And I am always amazed at how powerful music can be. It takes a powerful entity to take a person through 23 very different years and simultaneously invoke memories and emotions that had been long forgotten. Right now, as I sit here at 2:20 a.m. listening to an old Goo Goo Dolls CD, all I can think of is how blessed I am. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to relive 23 years through song and I am very optimistic about filling the next 23 years with more memories and different songs.

Images

I think that it is mainly because I have been doing so much reflecting lately that this posting has come about...

Isn't it kind of odd how certain things commit to our memory as single images? So instead of reviewing our lives like a film, we review it like a slide show. I may be young, but I have experienced a lot of things in my life and I have a lot of images. Some of them are the strangest things, given the event that they coincide with. You would think that since they are burned so strongly in my brain, I would have remembered a different image.

I am not posting this to analyze the images or even to really ponder them. I actually just want to share them. Some of them are sad. Some of them are happy, but they are the images that I associate with some of the most defining events of my life.

I have one image of my mom with a pipe to her mouth, trying to spark the lighter. She was sitting at the kitchen table, laughing. I can picture the dishwasher behind her, the phone cord on the wall. I can see the table. Whoever was smoking with her was cut off by the wall. (One of the many times I caught my mom using drugs)

I have an image of a smashed jar of jelly, half covering my feet in my grandmas laundry room. I can picture the jelly and the floor and the cabinet right next to me.(This is the first time I remember being yelled at by my grandmother)

I see a dead mouse caught in a trap at the house across the street.(I don't know why)

I picture four of my friends ahead of me, running up the hill. I can see what order they are on, what they are wearing, and who is located where in the street. At the top of the hill, I can see a car and it's in pieces.(When my friend Charlie had a car accident, she died)

I see my daughter. Eyes close, mouth wide open. There are no teeth in her mouth. I remember really nothing but how toothless she was. (The first time I held my daughter)

I can see my best friend crying and looking down at my legs and the end of the hospital bed. (When I had my son)

I can see the ceiling of the ambulance and the blanket covering my feet. (When I tried to kill myself)

I can picture the church and the priest at the pulpit. I can see the backs of all of my family member's heads. (I could probably name the order they were sitting in the pew in front of me). I can see my grandma standing in front of the altar, speaking. (At my uncle's funeral)

I can see my step-mom sitting in a recliner in her living room. The T.V. is playing in the background and she has her legs folded underneath her. She is turned and facing me. My step sister is sitting on the floor in front of me and my father is standing in the doorway. (My step-mom is making fun of me, as usual)

I can see a man grabbing a box of teddy grahams from me and making an ugly face at me. I can picture his kitchen. The floors, the cabinets, the fridge, and the back door. (One of my moms many boyfriends)

Those are just a few of the memories that stand out the most in my mind. Most of them are several years past and some are over a decade old. I just have these images burned into my mind and they all have to do with something that I think I will remember forever.

Something New

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to my relationships with other people. This includes my mom, my grandmother, my in-laws, my husband, friends, and pretty much everyone and every thing that could be considered a relationship. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am very stunted. I think that I can be picky. I think that I am very set in my ways. I also have a long history of bad relationships.

I let people take advantage of me. Usually it is the people that I call friends that get away with the most. There are multiple people who owe me money. People have stolen from me. People have allowed me to carry them and then just dropped me when I stood up for myself. My relationships with the people that I call friends are some of the most devastating and difficult I have experienced in my life.

Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe it's me. Maybe I am sowing something along the way that causes people to treat me the way that they do. Even in some of my healthier friendships, I am the one who does all of the calling and the inviting. It has always been this way for me. I can remember having friendships like that as far back as elementary school. I end up feeling like I am desperate and hanging onto friendships that aren't reciprocated. It's a very lonely feeling. It's humiliating. It also causes me to feel very lonely.

However lately I have really been thinking about it. I have actually gone back through my friendships and played them in my head and analyzed them. I don't think I am the perfect friend. In some cases I have been the bad friend. In some cases, I have done some pretty crappy things. But the more I look back and reflect the more I feel that people who like to take advantage are attracted to my people pleasing, co-dependent nature.

I have come to a place where I most certain that it is not always my fault. I have also realized that in most cases it hasn't been my fault. I do share responsibility for the way that things work out because my co-dependency and eagerness to please do lay the path for what happens. However, I realized that I am a good person and I am good friend. I realized that I need to be more selective of whom I associate myself with.

In certain cases, I have given so much of myself that it almost destroyed me. When I wasn't feeling like I was getting anything in return I would begin to feel lonely. Then I would give more, thinking that would help. It didn't. It has always just caused the takers to take until I was drained. It hurts to think of how many people that I have called my friends have done this to me. I want to move on without losing the fact that I am a giver. I want to grow to be a person who can give without being a doormat. Hopefully with some work, that change can come about.

Getting Back to Business

I had a horrible few weeks. I got sick, really sick, and that caused my depression to become overwhelming. I was literally a zombie for the past few weeks but I am happy to say that I have finally begun to snap out of it. The worst part of the way that I was feeling was that I had horrible, horrendous fatigue. I was sleeping about 18 hours out of the day. Whenever I could be asleep, I was. I attributed it to the depression and the illness combined and I simply thought that I was once again giving my depression a foothold. However, this week that all changed.

I found out that my husband and I are expecting! We are absolutely thrilled to be adding to our family, as we always knew that we weren't done yet. But more than that, I was relieved beyond words to know that the fatigue was not my fault. I wasn't giving in to illness and depression. Fatigue is a very common symptom of early pregnancy. While I do concede that I might be a bit more prone to it and that I might be a little more prone to allowing it to go too far, it was like being reborn to find out that I had not just been a depressed mess for that whole time. I had thought that I was failing at my goals when I really was not.

So now it is onward and upward. I get to start planning a home birth and will be meeting with a midwife next week. I am really hoping that she is a suitable fit as she is the only one anywhere near me. After I meet with her, I am going to start looking for a doula. We were wise enough to save most of the baby gear that we need so over the next 8 months I am going to start slowly purchasing the few things that we will need for the new addition. We have already been diligently debating names.

I spent a lot of time in bed over the past few weeks and I really had some time to reflect. There are some new things that I will be addressing in the coming weeks. Things that I think I just need to put out there so that I can move away from them. The past couple of days I have been feeling much much better than I have in over a month. I am optimistically looking forward to getting fatter and to moving soon to a new command.

I had to make one very difficult decision that I definitely think is for the best. I am not attending school this quarter. It will be January before I am enrolled again and I will be enrolled through a college in my home state. As far as my credits, graduation, and degree plans go this is the best thing I can possibly be doing. If I go this route, I will lose less credits in the transfer process and I will be able to graduate more quickly. I will also have an easier and more clear cut means of pursuing my history degree. I am pretty bummed because I was looking forward to the fall quarter. I missed school over the summer and I was anxious to get back to work. But I really feel that I have made the optimal decision. I just wish that I had looked into everything before the fall semester back home began. Had I been a bit more proactive, I could be enrolled right now.

I plan on getting back into writing here and hope to be back to posting daily. I hope that there will be some positive and interesting reading to come in the next month.