Softness.

When I woke up this morning, I was laying in bed and a line from Pulp Fiction crossed my mind. I can't quote it exactly, but it is when Bruce Willis' gorgeous, very thin, French girlfriend says that she wants a pot belly. She says that it is funny that what feels good to touch doesn't look good to the eye, because the extra flesh of a pot belly is soft and appealing to the hand.

I'm not exactly sure what caused that scene to flash through my mind, aside from the fact that Pulp Fiction is one of my favorite movies and I haven't seen it in a while. But I do know that it hit home for me. I recently wrote about having put on some weight and how that bothers me. It does, I am determined to lose it. But I also know that yesterday, I was looking in the mirror and I actually enjoyed the extra flesh on my body. I haven't gained a lot of weight, but it seems to have gone to my legs and my butt, which are two of my smallest areas.

After I thought about Pulp Fiction, and about how important that one line is to modern women, I started thinking about my last boyfriend. He would always tell me that women are supposed to have fat and extra flesh on their bodies. Women were built to have some padding. He would always say that as if he wished women would remember it, which made him even more appealing in my eyes.

My real question is why women don't get this? Why don't women see this about themselves and want it? I am just as guilty of being blind to this as any other woman I meet or who may read this. As I write this, as I say that I enjoyed my extra weight yesterday, I am planning on losing it. I won't stand for being this weight for long. My ideal body is very thin, without the extra padding that my ex-boyfriend seemed to find appealing.

Should I blame the media for this loss of clarity? Should I blame men? Should I blame myself? Is there something broken in my mind that tells me that I should be skinnier than I am? I don't know. What I do know is that some of the women who I personally find the most beautiful are not thin. In fact, I can only name a handful of women who are as thin as I want to be and whose looks I admire.

Why is is that we can't embrace our softness and love the fact that we were meant to have it? For me, this is a continual battle. It is a fight between my body and my mind and everything I know and love about myself. And the bottom line is that it shouldn't be. I have bigger problems. Weight should be the least of my concern right now. I am told daily that I am beautiful, even by the man who's divorcing me, so why is it that I can't believe it.

My body has done wonderful things to earn this softness. I birthed a nine pound baby. I birthed a baby in twenty minutes once. And one other time, I birthed a baby in my living room. My body has run 13.1 miles, and I have the medal to prove it. My body has been sober for over a year. My body nursed one child for over two years. There are really good reasons why my body is not rock-hard and firm. There are really beautiful reasons for the softness of my flesh. Yet, all I really care about is hardening that softness.

It all leads me to the question: Would I rather sleep on a soft pillow or a hard one?