Among.

I think that I have written about this before, but if I did it has been long enough that I don't think it matters.

I have always had issues with people. I like to be one on one or two on one, but if the group is much larger than that I will sit in the corner and look around. I don't like to feel socially pressured. Even if I am in a familiar place, like the place where I am currently staying, if there are people at the table playing games I will go to my room and do my own thing.

I could go on and on about how my introverted nature affects me daily. I run alone, do yoga alone, will walk to and from work alone and be perfectly happy. I like to ride my longboard alone and generally I prefer to be alone for a significant portion of my day. I have even always elected to go to college online because I feel uncomfortable in a classroom.

As it stands right now, I like to hang out with my son and with my best friend. Occasionally I will reach out to other adults for coffee or to talk. I do meet regularly with my sponsor from AA, and I do find myself looking forward to that.

 Lately, however, I have been pushing myself to be among others. I started going to church and I am trying out different small groups. I have been working on making connections with other women in AA and asking people to meet for coffee so that I can socialize. It's hard for me because all of my gut instincts scream to me to cancel on them and to stay at home doing homework or drawing.

I have to fight with every corner of my mind to actually follow through with these commitments. And sometimes I have the tendency to dive in overboard and make too many social arrangements. It leaves me feeling exhausted and emotionally depleted. I have to find balance in this matter. I have to find myself able to socialize and able to come home when I need to. This is a learning process for me and sometimes I find myself wishing that I was an extrovert, for whom it came natural to be around people all of the time.

What is strange about me is that I am not socially awkward. I have social skills and I am friendly. In fact, most people are kind of surprised when I tell them that I am classically introverted. They think that I probably read an article about it and decided that was what I wanted to be. But that isn't the case. Many introverts work in extroverted jobs, are friendly, and even have bubbly, outgoing personalities. I think that I fall into that category of introvert and so it surprises people when I want to hide in my room rather than play monopoly.

It's very new for me to want to me among. It's hard for me to make myself a part of because I don't want to become overly involved and because I don't have a lot of practice at doing it. How does a twenty-eight-year-old adult learn new social practices? Does it just take time and patience? Should I read a book? It's a long road to normal and I don't know if I ever want to get there.