Holy Blogsack.

Has it been a while since I blogged? I can't remember. I was too busy getting sober, wrecking my life, rebuilding my life, and going through multiple cycles of crazy versus sane. Crazy almost consistently wins out, however a lot of the time when I get crazy my hair just gets curlier. Just kidding, I wish.

The last year has been emotional, action-packed, adventurous, spiritual, chaotic, unstable, magical, beautiful, and weird. Weird works for me, so that is probably why this has been the best year of my life. As of September 8, 2014 I have been sober for one full year. I now reside in Washington and my oldest son, Archer, resides with me. We live with a friend, as I am looking for my own place, and I am finally back in graduate school. I hope to teach history to high school kids in a couple of years.

Today I decided to blog again because I am having a shitty day. You hear that? Shitty. It's utterly horrible. A few days ago, I hit an emotional bottom. I won't go into details, but I will say that it was through my own actions, my confusing self-will with spirituality, and my inherent ability to be a Olympic level chode. I found myself sober, but feeling hungover. I was actually physically ill. I decided then that a purge was in order. I started eating vegan, took a ton of time to pray and meditate, and did a ridiculous, semi-embarrassing amount of journaling. As a result of hitting my knees in an utter state of surrender, my Creator and I came to a few conclusions together. I won't go into the details of those, but I will say that they are basically the same things that kept me sober for a year and regarding which I had become lax. My Creator and I are still working through a couple of things, but I am confident that She (or he) will eventually slap me in the face hard enough that I will see reason and submit.

As a general rule, my life today is amazing. Sobriety has (mostly) taught me to love me. I wake up in the mornings and embrace the day. I do things and I enjoy the sunshine. I am healthy and fit. I have fallen in love with my children again and I have fallen in a different kind of love with my ex-husband. I have friends and I have standards and I have morals and I have values. I have both short and long-term goals. I have a spiritual life and a creative life and an active life. I have very little materially speaking, but I have so much that my heart is full.

There are times when I have to remind myself that stress and anxiety are temporary. There are days when I just want to lay down and sleep. There are times when I want to give in and call it quits, because it's hard. Being a grown up sucks and being sober means I have to do it while feeling every single feeling. But they pass, the feelings do. I have learned, absolutely, that feelings are temporary. Grace is permanent. And it is through Grace that I am sober today.