Death, Revisited.

Dave and I have lived in Washington for almost two years. We got here at the very beginning of May 2008. When we were on the road to Washington, two people that I knew and loved back in Colorado died. Both died by their own hand. I was so sad. I knew I couldn't go back to pay respects and I couldn't be there for the rest of the people that I loved who I knew were suffering greatly. I had to send cards to their family and friends. These were people that I would have loved to hug much more than sending a written condolence.

When we arrived in Washington and began to settle in, I figured that it was just a tragic coincidence that two people I knew would pass away so close together and right after I left. I figured it was a bump in the road. I mourned them and then I moved on. I still think of them but I grieved and felt like I needed to move on with my life. But then, people just kept on dying. At this moment, while I sit here I can think of 8 people that I know from back home who have died in the two years since I left. I also know that my mommy brain is kicking in and that I am forgetting one or two people right now.

Yesterday I was sitting here at my trusty computer, browsing the internet. I was shocked to learn (via Facebook) that a young man that I went to elementary school with passed away this weekend. This was a person that I hadn't seen in several years. We didn't keep in touch through middle and high school. We didn't really move in the same circles. But, he was a nice guy. I did know him and he was my peer. When I saw his name popping up with R.I.P. before it, I was stunned. My mind immediately flashed to elementary school. I could picture his haircut and I could still picture that little guy with the huge, pretty eyes and the enormous constant smile. How could that little guy be dead? He is my age for God's sake.

It feels odd to me that I should be so affected by the passing of someone that was not close to me. I shed tears over this person and I hardly knew him anymore. I toyed with thoughts all night as to why I felt the way I felt. I have no clear answer as to why it bothers me and saddens me so much, but I do have some theories.

The first is that I am affected due to the sheer number of peers that I have already lost at 23 years old. Most people only lose family members and older ones at that. At 23, I have lost more than a handful of peers. I am not sitting here saying that I have lost 20 of my nearest and dearest friends, but these are still people my age. I knew them and I liked them and I remember them fondly.

My second theory is that I am slightly overly emotional and that I have a tendency to over empathize. I really can put myself in other peoples shoes and sometimes I have a tendency to over do it. I feel so sad when anyone dies or loses someone that I could read the obituaries in any paper and cry my eyes out. I just feel so sad for everyone who has to feel that pain. I feel sad for anyone for all of the time and memories that could have been. When someone dies unexpectedly, especially when they are so young, I just feel like I wish I could take the pain away for all of those who loved them. It doesn't even matter to me how I well I know them.

Regardless of the reasoning, my heart is just broken for this person's friends, girlfriend, and family members. I truly believe that it was a sad day in Colorado when that little guy's huge, friendly, shining smile went out. I hope that those who loved him get to see that smile again someday.

And as an end note, I really hope that 2010 brings less death into the orbit of my life. It gets harder each time and I am just so sick and tired of reading about the deaths of my peers.

1993.

I will be 24 next month, so I am not old by any means. However, that didn't stop me from having my first, "I feel old experience," in class the other day. I guess that I will have to realize that as an almost 24 year old who is still in college, I am going to be surrounded by quite a few fresh out of high school faces. However, until the other day, it had never occurred to me that I am one of the older people in class.

Last Thursday, everyone was standing up and giving presentations. The young man who sits in front of me stood up and in the course of his speech he said something about how 1989 was two years before he was born. I was shocked and I quietly said, "Wow! He was born in 1991!" It was then that the unthinkable happened. The girl next to me smiled and said, "Well, I was born in 1993."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! 1993?! People born in 1993 are old enough to take college courses? (Granted she is a high school student doing Running Start) Seriously? I remember 1993. There are songs from 1993 that I still love and consider among my favorites. Ace of Base was still popular in 1993. The Gin Blossoms were topping the charts. 1993 was an awesome year. I turned 7 that year and I was rocking baby doll dresses, black Mary Janes, and I did my hair with the Bobsy (at least I think that's the name).

I also realized, after talking to this very nice young lady for most of the 3 hour period that I spend in class, that I am too old to be her friend. We have nothing in common. Even the way that she talks seems young and distant from where I am in life. She is absolutely, unmistakably from a different generation than myself. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with people who are 6 or 7 years older than me. But I had just never realized before that even though I am young, I am not really young anymore.

Youth is leaving me especially quickly since I am already married and have a family. I plan on becoming a teacher and I always thought that I would be the really cool, young teacher and now I realize that I am out of touch with young people. How did that happen? When did I grow up? I would really like to know so that I can warn my children to watch for that moment for themselves.

The whole day left me feeling old and confused. The only thing that I know for sure is that 1993 will forever be remembered as the year that caused me to realize that I am getting old. I don't know if I will ever feel the same about The Gin Blossoms again. Well, that's a lie. I still love them. I might as well embrace my impending old age.

Decisions, Decisions

As a full time college student, my education is extremely important to me. I don't just want to get my Bachelor's, I have to. It's something I not only want for myself, it is something that I expect for myself. I won't settle for being well read and high school educated. I want to be extremely well read and college educated. I ultimately plan on getting my Ph.D. but since first things are always first, I am currently working on my B.A. in History. Being a Navy wife and a formerly very rebellious young person has presented me with some unique challenges in regards to my college education.

First, it took me quite a while to get my head on my shoulders and start taking college seriously. I am proud to say that, after a tumultuous couple of years, I have been doing well for about 3 years now. Secondly, I initially did not think that I could make a career as anything but a teacher with a History degree and therefore chose two different majors that really didn't mean anything to me. I finally decided two years ago that I would rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate, and I changed my major to History. At that point, I really thought that I was on the right track and that I would surely graduate within the next couple of years and in a timely manner.

However, life had different plans for me. I found out that I was pregnant with Archer and got married to Dave. Dave then enlisted in the Navy and eventually we had to move. When we got to Washington, I immediately started the process of getting enrolled at my local community college. Soon I found out that while my classes and credits did transfer over, I was going to lose 1 credit here and 1 credit there as a part of the process. This was really hard for me to swallow as I had worked so hard to earn those credits and now I was going to have to take extra classes to basically fill the void. However, I squared my shoulders and trudged forward.

Now, here were are almost two years later and I am facing another impending move to a new state. I know now that another move will cost me more credits and that it will be another set back. The more I thought about this, the more depressed I got. I started searching for a way that I could just transfer one last time to a college where I could complete my degree fully online. If this was possible, I would only have to transfer one last time and then I could really just get my butt in gear and finish out my degree.

It didn't take me long, for my answer to come to me in the form of Ashford University. I had always been skeptical of online schools. I was afraid that I would put in a bunch of work and then find out that my degree was from a school that was not appropriately accredited and I would never be able to get a job or get into a Master's degree program. However, I have checked into Ashford and read a lot of information about accreditation as well as read reviews of the college. I have finally made the decision to transfer to Ashford University and finish my education.

I am really excited to take this step. For one thing, I think that it means that there is a clear end in sight for me. I can finally see the end and the degree and that feels really good. For another, it will take a lot of stress off of my shoulders. I won't have to worry anymore that I am going to have to transfer or where I will go next. I will also not have to fiddle around with community colleges anymore. I will be working a specific degree program and doing exactly what I need, as opposed to taking classes that may or may not end up being necessary for my major. I am so glad that I made this decision. I just want to fulfill my goal of having a B.A. that way I can be proud of myself and see myself as someone my children should be proud of.

Here's to the future!

Going? Going. Gone!

Most anyone who is or has been affiliated with the military knows how military life is. It is very unpredictable. There are lots of ups and downs and a great deal of uncertainty. We have been pretty fortunate up to this point. My husband has been on shore duty for most of his 2 years in the Navy and we will spend our last 2.5 years of Navy life on Sea Duty. Most people do not go to shore duty first, which was lucky. On top of that, my husband is assigned to a squadron which, although shore duty, goes on various 'detachments' for varying amounts of time quite frequently. Even for shore duty, members of his squadron tend to be gone a lot. However, we have been here for almost two years and today marks only the 2nd time he has had to leave us.

The first time was just over a year ago and he was gone for 4 weeks. This time, he left today and as of now he should be gone for about 3 weeks. It doesn't seem like too long, 3 weeks is a time frame that I can handle. However, this whole thing has been the 3-ring circus from hell. A month ago, we knew that he was leaving for a month starting on January 10th. We were ready for it and had childcare arranged so that I could go to school, worry-free. Then he came home from work one day, right before he was supposed to leave and said that due to some circumstances, he was only going to be going for 7 days from January 20th-27th. Ok, great. Less childcare to pay for, less time away from the family. So then, within the two weeks of having this info, the dates must have changed 3 or 4 times. That was annoying, but it was fine because it was still just a short amount of time. Fast forward to the day before yesterday...he calls me from work and says, "Well I asked like four times last week and was told no but now I was just told that I am staying the remainder after the 27th. So, I won't be back until February 12th.

That was the beginning of my real frustration. I mean, like I said, I can handle three weeks. But, I cannot come to grips with him having asked repetitively for a week if his only being gone for a week was set in stone and then them changing it on him with less than 24 hours notice. And it gets worse, we then said our goodbyes and prepared ourselves. After school yesterday, I was ready to take on my first solo day. I get home, walk through the door, and about have a heart attack. He is sitting on the couch in his sweats. Apparently they couldn't get out of here and to where they needed to be and so he was supposed to be back at 7 a.m. today. And now, I get a phone call that "If I haven't heard from him by 1:30 he's gone, otherwise he might not be leaving til Sunday." This is a freaking circus and I really really don't like it.

I sat here and totaled everything up and I came to the number 7. If he leaves today as he is supposed to, then his plans were changed 7 times. If not, the number becomes 8. This is getting ridiculous. And to make matters worse, I am extremely sick of hearing, 'Well that's the Navy,' and other similar comments. I know that is how Navy life is, it doesn't mean that I am not allowed to be annoyed, frustrated, sad, upset, angry, or whatever other emotion I feel. I am entitled to my feelings regardless of how typical the situation is.

I just wish that this organization that is responsible for our nation's safety and well being, this organization that people idolize and depend on, this organization that stands behind these slogans about how important and great they are, I wish that this organization would display some professionalism. Is that too much to ask?

Resolve.

It happens every year. We, the well meaning people of Earth, greet a new year at midnight on January 1st. Many of us, make resolutions. Some resolutions are common and easy, some are personal and difficult. Some of us keep them. Some of us smash them to ribbons within a month. I tend to fall into the category of people who do not make resolutions because I do not want to feel badly about myself when I break them. There are a lot of things that I would like to do this year but not all of them would actually be fitting to be called resolutions for the new year. However this year I decided to make 2 resolutions for the new year, although personally, I would rather think of them as goals.

The first is to workout 4 days a week for the entire year. I would definitely like to lose weight. However that is not the reason for this goal. I truly believe that in combination with vitamin B12 and 5HTP, if I work out regularly I could conquer my depression and have a great year. 5 days per week would be amazing but I want to set a realistic goal. Especially considering that we are facing a move in May and that I will be attending school full time throughout the year, I think that 4 seems more reasonable and definitely much more achievable.

The second is to read 100 books this calendar year. I recently finished The Shack but since I started it in 2009, I have decided not to count it. The book that I started today, Beautiful Boy, will be my first book of the 100 that I plan to read. Wish me luck, as I think that this one is the loftier of my two goals. If I have to read any books (not textbooks) for school, I will be counting those toward my 100 as I almost always enjoy every book that I read. I blog about the books that I read here and I will be blogging about all of the ones that I read in 2010. Since I have the titles in my book blog numbered, I am going to start this project by resetting the numbers and indicating which number each book was for me in 2010.

So, folks, these are my resolutions for 2010. Among them are other goals that I have for the year. However, these are the two that I wish to call my resolutions and these two will be given special emphasis in 2010. Lofty goals? Maybe. Achievable goals? I believe so. Wish me luck. And I hope that at least one or two people will follow my progress.

It's a Mad, Mad World.

I have been a member of an online community for moms for over two years now. It's definitely the website that I frequent the most and I have actually made friends online that I speak to on the phone and consider to be some of the best friends that I have. I have also learned a lot. If it were not for this community I would not be a cloth diapering mom and I would not know nearly as much as I do about breastfeeding, circumcision, natural living, vaccines, co-sleeping, home birthing, and many other parenting related topics. I am very grateful for having been pointed in the right direction on all of these topics.

However, as a member of said online community I have learned that mothers can be the most judgmental jerks in the entire universe. No parent is perfect and any one who claims to me is being pretentious. We all make mistakes as parents and we all do the best that we can. I know that 'we all' is very broad and that there are exceptions, but I am choosing to be general. I know some parents do what they are told, they sometimes are called sheep because they follow the herd. I know that some parents read multiple books on each individual topic before making any decisions at all. Some consult their own parents or peers.

The fact is, we all make millions of decisions from the moment that we find out that we are going to become parents. Some decisions are, in fact, better than others. Some decisions are unsafe, but when we know better we do better. Some decisions are a bit lazy and the decision is made to cater more to the wants of the parent than the best interest of the child. Sometimes there are decisions that are misguided, we choose to do things based off of false information, outdated information, or the opinion of great grandma Esther who thinks that she is the only person who 100% knows how to properly raise a child. None of us are perfect parents, we have all made one or two bad decisions as a parent.

The fact that I know that; a) mothers are super judgmental, b) there are millions of decisions to be made as a parent, and c) each of us will, at some point, make the decision that is not the best, seems to have brought me to a point of clarity and enlightenment to which it seems a great many of my online cohorts have not come. I am going to capitalize and bold this point so that it stands out. IT TAKES MORE THAN ONE BAD DECISION TO MAKE A BAD PARENT.

Sheesh. Getting that off of my chest made me feel a lot better. I am really tired of constantly seeing statements such as, "People who do not vaccinate are selfish parents," or "Spanking is shameful," or "Letting your kids watch TV is utterly lazy and loathsome." One of the main reasons that I am tired of seeing is that usually the person saying (read-typing) it has previously posted about doing at least one thing that I think is lazy, selfish, shameful, misguided, etc. None of us is perfect in the eyes of every other parent. That is just the way that it is. The important thing is to be confident in the decisions we all make as parents and to make them to the best of our abilities. The best parent is the parent who does his/ her best. Period.

*note to readers-this logic can really be applied to anything. For example: One fashion mistake does not a bad dresser make, One misguided joke does not make someone an asshole, and so on and so forth.*

Stepping BACK up.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had been making a concerned effort to work out and lose weight. Of course, the moment those two little lines appeared, that went right out the window. But now, I am back in the game. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym tonight. I am pretty sure I am going to make going to the gym our after nap routine every day, Sunday-Thursday. I will take the same days off of the gym as Dave takes from work.

I would really love it if Dave would work out with me, but he doesn't seem to be interested. I spent a long time saying that I was going to wait for Dave, lose weight with Dave, or that I was failing because I was doing it without his support. I know now that I was setting myself up to fail by depending on him. Dave doesn't see anything wrong with his diet, he does not really have the desire to work out, and he is perfectly fine with the way that he looks. I realized that he doesn't do things to sabotage me at all. He does them because they are right for him and he doesn't understand why they aren't right for me. And that's fine. But it does mean that I need to take matters into my own hands. So, to the gym I will go, without him. Declining food I will do, when he cooks it. Order salad I will, when he goes to a fast food joint.

I am truly ready to get back down to a presentable weight. I want to be able to go out and buy jeans. I want to go somewhere and feel like I look good. I want to be happy with myself. My goal is to look like a mega hottie next year at the annual XXX-Mas Party. I want people to be like,"Damn. Dave's wife is a pretty girl." But mostly, I just want to be a mom that my kids can be proud of. I want them to see me as an example of what to be rather than what not to be. And that goes as far as health and fitness as well.