Stepping BACK up.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had been making a concerned effort to work out and lose weight. Of course, the moment those two little lines appeared, that went right out the window. But now, I am back in the game. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym tonight. I am pretty sure I am going to make going to the gym our after nap routine every day, Sunday-Thursday. I will take the same days off of the gym as Dave takes from work.

I would really love it if Dave would work out with me, but he doesn't seem to be interested. I spent a long time saying that I was going to wait for Dave, lose weight with Dave, or that I was failing because I was doing it without his support. I know now that I was setting myself up to fail by depending on him. Dave doesn't see anything wrong with his diet, he does not really have the desire to work out, and he is perfectly fine with the way that he looks. I realized that he doesn't do things to sabotage me at all. He does them because they are right for him and he doesn't understand why they aren't right for me. And that's fine. But it does mean that I need to take matters into my own hands. So, to the gym I will go, without him. Declining food I will do, when he cooks it. Order salad I will, when he goes to a fast food joint.

I am truly ready to get back down to a presentable weight. I want to be able to go out and buy jeans. I want to go somewhere and feel like I look good. I want to be happy with myself. My goal is to look like a mega hottie next year at the annual XXX-Mas Party. I want people to be like,"Damn. Dave's wife is a pretty girl." But mostly, I just want to be a mom that my kids can be proud of. I want them to see me as an example of what to be rather than what not to be. And that goes as far as health and fitness as well.

Giving Thanks.

I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I don't think it's very nice to celebrate the fact that we basically bamboozled the Native Americans into thinking we were legit and then totally flipped the script and did horrible things to them. However, I am totally into the thought of having a day that we all celebrate the things that we have in life that are deserving of thanks. I guess that what I mean to say is that I see this day as a day of giving thanks and I try to disregard the historical aspect of the holiday.

This year, giving thanks was kind of difficult. I am 1600 miles away from my family and my close friends, I just had a miscarriage, I have the persistent sinus infection from hell, I am overweight and really self conscious, and we are having financial problems of epic proportions. The real kickers are the miscarriage, the distance, and the money. All of these things combined caused me to wake up this morning feeling rather "blah."

However, the Lord up above must have sensed my hesitation because although I woke up feeling like an elephant was sitting on my sinus cavity, a series of wonderful things happened. First, my darling husband realized that my sinuses were troubling me and he allowed me to sleep in. I got roughly 2 extra hours due to his awesomeness. Then, as I was waking up and rolling around and trying to will myself out of bed, I heard the sounds of my family. They were laughing, making animal noises, and chattering. I immediately felt like I wanted to jump out of bed and get in on the fun. Instead, I slowly hobbled downstairs while holding pressure to my aching sinus cavity. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, I realized that I could smell chocolate cake. I meandered into the kitchen to find that Dave had made the Black Forest Trifle that I had been planning on making today. Of course, in typical male fashion, it looks like a choco-cherry bomb went off in my kitchen. But it really is the thought that counts. He then told me to sit down, brought me a glass of water so that I could take my vitamins and the Sudafed that has been my best friend lately, and a cup of coffee.

As I was sitting here, drinking my coffee and massaging my sinus, I realized that sometimes things get crappy. But usually, they get better. And even when things are crappy, there is always something to be thankful for. In my case, the best things in my life are free, healthy, happy, and precious. And they don't care if I'm broke. They don't care that my uterus recently failed me. And even though we are far away from everyone else, we do have each other. I have a houseful of amazing and no matter how many cloudy days I have, they will always be my sunshine. I should probably not have hesitated this morning, because there is always something to be thankful for.

Best Laid Plans

Today was supposed to be my D&C procedure to end this pregnancy, however my body had another course of action in mind. Yesterday afternoon, I miscarried naturally. I am kind of torn on how I feel about it. First of all, it was really painful and second of all, it was really gross. There was a brief period where it looked like someone had been murdered in my bathroom. But on the plus side, I have been really sick with a cold and I was not sure how safe it was for me to go under anesthesia. Not to mention, I am the type of person who generally thinks that natural is better. There are risks to the D&C that just don't exist with a miscarriage because a miscarriage is the body's natural course of action.

Fortunately, it started before Dave went to work so he was able to get the evening off to help me out. No way could I have played mommy and managed that at the same time. Someone above was definitely watching out for me. And luckily, the majority of this is all over. I need to take today to rest and let myself heal. I should be able to start seeing my body go back to normal in the coming month. It might be strange, but I am still feeling very hopeful. I feel like this was a bump in the road and now that I have passed it by, we can start to heal and move on with our lives.

I haven't spoken to my dad since the first time, but I was thinking last night that I hope he calls me again. I was really hopeful about developing a relationship, but I want him to be the one to call me. I know that he returned my call the first time, but I feel like him taking the first step the next time would make me certain that he wants to work on things as well. Especially since it has been so long and it was so bad before. I just feel like if he doesn't call me this time he isn't reciprocating.

Well, I am off to the couch to begin my healing day.

What Difference a Day Makes.

Not to mention the difference of several days or a couple of weeks. Since I have been such a blog slacker lately, a lot has changed since the last time that I posted. Dave and I found out 6 days ago that my pregnancy was not viable. We were devastated by the news because we wanted this baby so badly. However, we are on the road to healing. I have to have a D&C on Wednesday since my body has not miscarried yet. After that, we will probably wait a couple of months and then start trying again. I have been so lucky in the past to have healthy, unremarkable pregnancies. I was completely taken aback when I was told that there was no heartbeat and the fetus had not developed past a certain point. I know now that I will never take a pregnancy for granted, ever again. I don't think that Dave will either.

I have also been taking 5HTP and I have noticed AMAZING improvements in my sleep habits, eating habits, and my behavior in general. I had heard of it for over a year but I always figured that if anti-depressants couldn't help me, nothing could. However, I am so glad that I finally took the step and started taking it. I am still having some trouble with energy but it has helped me so much, I am just amazed. I started taking a B12 supplement today and I am hoping that this will give me the final boost that I need to have a normal amount of energy. In the wake of this miscarriage, I would like to start going to the gym about 4 times a week, just to get out of the house and not be such a couch potato.

I have also begun to take some steps to repair my relationship with my father and with my youngest older sister. It had been years since I spoke to either of them and recently, I spoke to both of them. It felt really good. I want my children to have the opportunity to know where they came from. I haven't spoken to either of them since, but I am hoping that this is the beginning of something new. Dave and Archer have never met my father and I think it would be nice if that happened at some point. People don't last forever, so I won't always have the chance to know whether or not my dad and I could have at least enjoyed each other's company. As far as my sister goes, I have always regretted that she and I grew apart. Most of the time, I did not miss my father at all. However, I missed my sister every day and I am really looking forward to having her and her family in my life again.

As a whole, I am feeling much better than I have in a long time. I am very hopeful and I think that things are evolving and are certain to get better. I am hoping the 5HTP continues to do it's job and that the B12 begins to work and that I can be the Molly that I remember being 2 years ago. I am ready to stop being so miserable and so closed off. I really want to be living. I was never like this before and I never want to be like this again. It is definitely time for a change...for the better.

Dear Dad.

Dear Dad,

It has recently come to my attention that we have a miscommunication going on. I find it highly ironic that this is even possible, given that we haven't spoken in over 5 years. However, I want to clear things up anyways. It seems that you have been telling people that the reason for our estrangement has to do with child support payments. I am not sure if you are confused or lying, though neither would surprise me. The fact is, child support payments have nothing to do with my decision to discontinue my contact with you. In order to clear that up, I would like to present you with a short timeline of events.

In all fairness, I do not remember the exact date of when you last went to court with my mother over child support. I know that it was before I turned 18 (in March 2004) and I know that you were ordered to abide by your divorce decree and pay me around $500 per month up until my 22nd birthday. This was contingent upon my enrollment in school and my maintaing a 2.0 GPA, as per your original divorce decree.

We will start our timeline in July of 2004. Sometime during the week of July 11th, you called to invite me to a Luau at your newly built home. During the course of this conversation, you passed the phone off to your wife. She, of course, could not maintain a civil conversation with me for long. Soon the conversation turned to my mother. I do not remember why. What I do know is that during this verbal confrontation, your wife proceeded to call my mother a lying bitch. It was at this point that I threatened to smash her face in with my foot and hung up on her. A few moments later, you called back and decided that it was appropriate to lecture me on respect and the way that your wife deserved to be spoken to. I asked you if you had spoken to her about speaking to me with respect and not saying hateful things about the woman who raised me. You told me that she was an "adult" and could say whatever she wanted to me, given that I was a "child." At that point, I used some choice words and hung up on you as well. That was the last time that we spoke to one another (Aside from a brief encounter at Christmas 2005).

Fast forward to December 2004. My first semester of college had just ended. At this point I had been 18 for roughly 9 months and I had not seen a single cent of child support from you. You had been told that at 18, your wages would stop being garnished for child support. At that point, you were responsible for paying the money directly to me. This was an obligation you apparently did not see fit to fulfill. In December, I contacted you via written letter. I informed you that I was not going to press the matter of the previous 9 months for which you owed me support. I also informed you that I was enclosing a copy of my grade report for the semester and that I would appreciate it if payments would begin at that point.

Fast forward again, this time just a few weeks. I received a registered letter from you. Although it was simply a handwritten note, you seemed to feel that making me sign for it made it more official. This note stated that my grade report was not sufficient and that you wanted a sealed transcript mailed directly from the registrars office in order to verify my GPA. There was no mention of the 9 months you already owed me for. This is also not something that was stipulated by the courts. Regardless, I went to the registrars office to inquire. I was told that the transcript would cost $10 and for them to mail it to you would cost another $3. At this point, I wrote you back and informed you of this. I stated that I would appreciate a check for $13 to pay for this service and once the money was received, I would have the transcript sent. After this letter, I never heard from you again.

I provided the timeline to illustrate the fact that I had terminated contact with you well before the child support became an issue. I hope that it refreshes your memory and you will cease from telling people that I quit talking to you because of money. Now, I would like to make a couple of notes regarding issues that I addressed in the timeline. This serves no real purpose, other than to get the thoughts off of my chest.

First off, I want it known that I always knew you would find a way to avoid paying me child support. You spent 18 years trying to find a way to lessen the amount you paid to my mother. You even spent periods of time not paying her at all. I figured I would receive it for a while and then somehow you would find a reason to cease payment.In fact, you and I both know that I graduated high school with a gold cord. I have never had anything below a 3.0 GPA and you know it. Anyone with a lick of intelligence knows that your transcript request was a ruse. You can claim that you doubted my grades all that you want, I'm not buying it.

My second point ties in to the first. I want you to know that I spent a large portion of my childhood being very confused. My mom never told me very much about the court proceedings you two were always tied up in. You and your spouse, on the other hand, told me quite a bit (once you started seeing me). You would tell me how my mom wanted more money than you could afford and that she was misusing the funds. I never really knew what to believe. Now that I am a parent myself, I know who I believe. My mother has only recently told me some of the things that happened. However, I wholeheartedly agree with her. You make roughly three times what she makes and you live a lifestyle that I am unfamiliar with. Yet for some reason, paying a few hundred dollars a month to support me was something you never seemed to want to do. I don't think that my mother was trying to cheat you, I think that you couldn't bear to part with money that you could have used to buy your wife the material things that she seems to put so much stock in.

Now, onto my third point. I mentioned previously that my mother only recently told me parts of "her side." I want you to know that I do not have any dellusions about my mom. I don't glorify her at all. She spent most of my childhood smoking crack and abusing alcohol. However, I give credit where credit is due and I am not sure if you aware of this but my mother bent over backwards to never bad mouth you, your wife, or any member of your family. She always made excuses for you and encouraged me to have a relationship with you. This is a courtesy you never even attempted to bestow upon her. As a child, I had no real opinion on this behavior. As an adult and parent, I find it reprehensible. Regardless of what my mom was, she raised me. In fact, she cleaned up her life for me. This brings me to my fourth point

While my mom was a substance abuser struggling to raise a child, you were a substance abuser avoiding all read responsibility. You are biological father of 5 children, that I know of. Yet you have only ever acted as a parent to one person, and that person is your step daughter. I mention this for one reason, for a long time you have acted like my mom wanted money to spend on drugs and that she was neglecting me. I find this very hypocritical of you. You and she sobered up around the same time. So during this period, that was probably your intention as well. My mother somehow managed to never neglect me. This is most likely a miracle and I am not claiming that it was easy or that I didn't go without. However, I just want to ask you what you were doing that was different? Aside from not taking the responsibility she was taking, you were exhibiting the same behaviors as she was. In recent years, I have even heard stories of you giving parenting advice to one of my sisters. This is laughable at best. You seem to only take interest in your children after the age of 18, and as a result you have no business pretending that you are now or ever have been any more then a glorified sperm donor.

In conclusion, I want you to know a couple of things. First off, I really do not harbor any ill feelings toward you. In fact, I rarely even think of you. For the most part, I really pity Kena, Jeff, and Mandi for still seeking your approval and bothering to try and foster a relationship with you. I know that they are never going to get what they need. I envy Marissa for realizing this sooner. She was definitely the most perceptive out of all of us. I have never really felt that I missed out on anything by not having a father. I am not sure why, but it works for me. I know that you will never see the light. I know that you will never change your behavior and you will never understand what you have done wrong. I can only hope that when the day comes that you are standing before God, it will dawn on you. Secondly, my threat toward your wife stands. I see no reason for us to be in the same city with one another. But for the sake of warning her, I wanted to let you know. I have grown as a person quite a bit in the last 5 years but I doubt I will ever grow enough to overlook anyone insulting my mother. If the occasion ever comes to pass that we meet, she should stay 50 feet away from me at all times.

Thank you for your time and your semen,

Molly

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Man, I guess my life is just too boring to be blogged about. I just have had nothing to write for the past couple of weeks. I am still dealing with overwhelming fatigue and sleeping quite a bit. I am having trouble eating right because nothing sounds good. And I am drinking so much water that I think I might turn into liquid very soon.

I have my first "official" appointment with my midwife tomorrow. That means that instead of just talking we will actually begin my maternity care. I am really excited because finally getting maternity care makes this seem so much more real. I am very anxious to hear the baby's heart beat and get my pregnancy confirmed so that I can start getting WIC and seeing the MSS nurse from the base.

We found out today that Archer has warts. Since he is so young, there really isn't anything that can be done about them. We just have to watch and hope that they go away. I feel bad for him because warts are no fun and they are recurring, meaning that he started early and will probably always get them. Poor little guy, he is doomed to a life of wartiness like his dad.

We are still waiting on the "official" orders to Lemoore, CA but Dave knows for certain that is where he is being sent. He just needs to get a hard copy so that we can start planning. I am so ready to move and get off of this island.I would move tomorrow if they would let us.

Other than that, there really is nothing to report.

I Feel Like I am at a Standstill

I am at one of those points in life where I feel like there are a bunch of things that I should be doing. But I can't seem to get any of them done. I really need to make dentist appointments, but I am waiting on new dental insurance cards. I need to get on WIC, but I am waiting to get confirmation of my pregnancy from an O.B. I want to start having Maternity Support Services come to my home, but again I need pregnancy confirmation. I want to start seeing a personal trainer at the gym, but I need to wait til after I see an O.B. and get the okay. I want to start buying nursery furniture, bedding, and diapers for the new addition. But I think I need to wait until I know when and where we will be moving before I start adding stuff in that we need to pack.

I hate the feeling that I need to do things but I can't do them. It makes me feel powerless and I have come to the conclusion that I am kind of a control freak. I am hoping that I can get the pregnancy confirmation stuff done in the next couple of weeks. I might just go to the on base Urgent Care clinic and take a pregnancy test to speed things up. The WIC would really help us out with our grocery bill. The grocery bill is the most financially draining aspect of our lives.

I am also really anxious about our impending move. I hate not knowing when we will go and not knowing where exactly we will be living. Especially since it is going to be right around my due date. It sort of makes me feel homeless, which isn't really a cool feeling. I am really excited to be getting off of this God forsaken island. I just wish that things in the Navy were more cut and dry. I think it is part of the way that they test the sailors that they make things so strange and difficult.

In other news, I have horrible early pregnancy fatigue and have been sleeping 18 hours a day. I am really lucky that my husband doesn't care because he could easily get very resentful over this. I am only 7 weeks pregnant so I have about 5 more weeks until this phase is over. I am really hoping it is right at the 12 week mark that things start to turn around because I hate feeling like this!