I found you on a broken hill.
Standing in the darkness.
Contemplating the precipice.
The Earth was broken.
Twisted.
The wind was still, the leaves were blowing.
I stood beside you, though you could not see me.
Watched you look around for someone,
to bear witness to your calm and serenity.
Surrounded by chaos,
as you contemplated.
The beauty and the madness,
of crumbling Earth.
Angry rock.
Dirt in the midst of a revolution.
You could not see me,
though I was tangible.
For when I pushed,
you dove.
Into the void,
the blackness.
And as you fell, the stars grew bright.
Flickering, singing.
Enthralled by your leap of faith.
The Earth, the stars, the wind.
A tree cried out with joy.
For the melting Earth began to heal.
Lick its wounds and seek to rest.
The writhing came to and end,
and there was peace.
And there was solitude.
And there was me.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Jesus.
My faith has always been really personal to me. Even when I was a practicing alcoholic, I had a life full of faith. I have always believed in a power greater than myself. However, now that I am sober faith takes the central spot in my life. I pray and meditate every day and sometimes I do this more than once per day. I find myself frequently stopping mid-movement and doing what I call a "single-breath prayer."
I usually hesitate to define my faith because I take it so personally and because I like to be so private about it, also because I think it is very hard for me to describe. Lately I have been in a strange emotional place. I wrote recently about hitting an emotional bottom and in that bottom I found myself looking to my faith for answers. I spent a whole day praying. God talked to me that day and gave me some pretty solid direction, which I have been doing my absolute best to follow.
But, I don't just pray when things are bad. Today when I got a very badly needed job, I hit my knees in the living room and just yelled "THANK YOU!" to the sky over and over. I ended with an "Amen," and then I got up and carried on with my day.
Every morning, when I exercise, I talk to my God about what I am grateful for. I try and name at least ten things and they are never material possessions. I talk to Jesus all the time because I am pretty sure that no matter what, he is always there listening to and he always has my back.
That said, I am not a Christian in the traditional sense of the word. I mean, who is? I tend to think of my faith as a full-Earth picture. Mother Earth, Father Sky, Jesus, the cosmos. It's all intertwined to me. I love them all. They are all the same entity, no matter what I choose to call it. I love the Bible and I love listening to the Word. I love reading and studying ANY faith, because I think that faith is the fabric of life. I live on and for faith. I have a tattoo of Buddha because I follow Buddha as well. I also practice Buddhist meditation from time to time, among other forms.
I love my faith. I feel at ease when I pray. I feel peace when I am on a run and I look up at the trees and the sky and I thank my divine Mother for the breath in my lungs and the sun on my skin. I have felt the stars staring down at me in a moment of prayer, making sure that my heart knows comfort. My faith means the world to me, because my faith is product of my sobriety and my sobriety is a product of faith.
I am really not sure what led me to write this, but what I do know is that day by day I feel better and I feel more love. I am thankful for today, and today I am full of faith.
I usually hesitate to define my faith because I take it so personally and because I like to be so private about it, also because I think it is very hard for me to describe. Lately I have been in a strange emotional place. I wrote recently about hitting an emotional bottom and in that bottom I found myself looking to my faith for answers. I spent a whole day praying. God talked to me that day and gave me some pretty solid direction, which I have been doing my absolute best to follow.
But, I don't just pray when things are bad. Today when I got a very badly needed job, I hit my knees in the living room and just yelled "THANK YOU!" to the sky over and over. I ended with an "Amen," and then I got up and carried on with my day.
Every morning, when I exercise, I talk to my God about what I am grateful for. I try and name at least ten things and they are never material possessions. I talk to Jesus all the time because I am pretty sure that no matter what, he is always there listening to and he always has my back.
That said, I am not a Christian in the traditional sense of the word. I mean, who is? I tend to think of my faith as a full-Earth picture. Mother Earth, Father Sky, Jesus, the cosmos. It's all intertwined to me. I love them all. They are all the same entity, no matter what I choose to call it. I love the Bible and I love listening to the Word. I love reading and studying ANY faith, because I think that faith is the fabric of life. I live on and for faith. I have a tattoo of Buddha because I follow Buddha as well. I also practice Buddhist meditation from time to time, among other forms.
I love my faith. I feel at ease when I pray. I feel peace when I am on a run and I look up at the trees and the sky and I thank my divine Mother for the breath in my lungs and the sun on my skin. I have felt the stars staring down at me in a moment of prayer, making sure that my heart knows comfort. My faith means the world to me, because my faith is product of my sobriety and my sobriety is a product of faith.
I am really not sure what led me to write this, but what I do know is that day by day I feel better and I feel more love. I am thankful for today, and today I am full of faith.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Fat.
Don't tell me that I am skinny. I don't want to hear about how good you think I look. I don't feel it. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who easily needs to lose another twenty pounds.
In my head, I can tell myself that my pants are a size 7 and that they are loose on my legs. But my head later tells me that I have probably stretched them out and that they fit more like a 9 or an 11. They might have even been sized incorrectly, because surely I need to lose weight.
I used to weigh close to 300 pounds. I was tightly compacted into my size twenty jeans and I hated myself. I hated my body. Now, I weigh over a hundred pounds less and I still hate my body. I still want to lose weight. But overall, I want to love my body. I want to look in the mirror and think "You are beautiful," but I don't. I want to look in the mirror and like my face, but all I see are pimples and eyebrows that need wax.
There are things that I like about myself, don't mistake my low self-esteem for utter self-loathing, but I do not like my body and I do not like my face. I don't know how to change it, if I could I definitely would.
What I do know is that I am tired of hearing that I am skinny. I don't feel skinny, especially because I have recently put on weight. I don't feel good about my body and until I do, the compliments feel like insults. They feel like eyes scanning over my muffin top and taking in my fat. If you are looking at me, clearly you can see how flabby I am, clearly you can see every ounce of extra skin and every stretch mark on my body.
I don't want you to see those things, I would hide from your eyes if I could. I would go away and not re-emerge until I had achieved my perfect body and somehow found a way to like my face. I wish that was an option, because I would take it. I don't know how to achieve my goals. I eat well. I run. I do yoga. But here I sit, having gained weight that I worked very hard to lose. Not feeling good in my skin and not feeling like I am presentable for the public.
I wish I knew why. I wish I understood my mentality. But all I understand is that I want to look a certain way and that I don't. I understand that until I meet my goals, I will feel fat. I understand that I do not want to be told that I am thin. I am not thin. I do not accept that.
In my head, I can tell myself that my pants are a size 7 and that they are loose on my legs. But my head later tells me that I have probably stretched them out and that they fit more like a 9 or an 11. They might have even been sized incorrectly, because surely I need to lose weight.
I used to weigh close to 300 pounds. I was tightly compacted into my size twenty jeans and I hated myself. I hated my body. Now, I weigh over a hundred pounds less and I still hate my body. I still want to lose weight. But overall, I want to love my body. I want to look in the mirror and think "You are beautiful," but I don't. I want to look in the mirror and like my face, but all I see are pimples and eyebrows that need wax.
There are things that I like about myself, don't mistake my low self-esteem for utter self-loathing, but I do not like my body and I do not like my face. I don't know how to change it, if I could I definitely would.
What I do know is that I am tired of hearing that I am skinny. I don't feel skinny, especially because I have recently put on weight. I don't feel good about my body and until I do, the compliments feel like insults. They feel like eyes scanning over my muffin top and taking in my fat. If you are looking at me, clearly you can see how flabby I am, clearly you can see every ounce of extra skin and every stretch mark on my body.
I don't want you to see those things, I would hide from your eyes if I could. I would go away and not re-emerge until I had achieved my perfect body and somehow found a way to like my face. I wish that was an option, because I would take it. I don't know how to achieve my goals. I eat well. I run. I do yoga. But here I sit, having gained weight that I worked very hard to lose. Not feeling good in my skin and not feeling like I am presentable for the public.
I wish I knew why. I wish I understood my mentality. But all I understand is that I want to look a certain way and that I don't. I understand that until I meet my goals, I will feel fat. I understand that I do not want to be told that I am thin. I am not thin. I do not accept that.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
I Threw a Fit.
My name is Molly. I am 28 years old. I just had a temper tantrum. I even threw my phone. I cried so hard that I had snot running down my face. What, may you ask, led to this? Well, the straw that broke the camel's back was the fact that I was asked to move my car. Instead of moving it, I had a tantrum. Now, I feel better. A lot better.
Obviously, the car was not the only reason that I lost it. I came home, mid-tantrum, and my best friend calmly told me that I have a tendency to let "one thing wreck my day." Well damn her for being right, because she is. I have problems. I have a lot of them. Right now, they seem huge. They seem like the end of the world and generally speaking, I don't know what to do. But, when it comes down to it, everyone has problems. Everyone probably thinks that their problems are huge and everyone probably should alleviate them by having a melt down.
I mean it.
Have a tantrum if you need to in order to feel better. Maybe don't throw your phone, because they are expensive, but if you need to scream... fucking do it. I'm glad that I did. If I hadn't I would probably still be stewing on my problems.
I think the thing is that I expect too much. I expect too much from life, I expect too much from myself, and I expect too much from other people. Things are not always going to go my way. In fact, lately, few things have come out the way that I have wanted them. I have to get used to that. I have to wrap my teeny tiny, pea-sized brain around the fact that life doesn't come on my terms. I have to live life on life's terms.
Sometimes that means I am going to have to continue using my Esca-legs to get around, that I need to find a new job, that I have to depend on the kindness of my friends to have a roof over my head. It means that my student loans aren't what I expected them to be and that I am not guaranteed to be a size 5 forever. It also means that I get to see my son off to school and pick him up from school. It means I might actually have the time to learn to ride my long board while I look for a job. It means that I can take the opportunity to learn to manage my money better instead of just spending it willy-nilly. It means that I have friends that love me and time to build strength of character.
Life is seldom what I want or expect it to be. Sometimes life is a big bag of dicks. No matter what, life is a gift. Life is beautiful. Life is growth. Life is change.
I learned today that I will probably always be in perpetual motion. I will probably always be in a state of chaos. What needs to happen is that I need to learn to handle the chaos and flow with it. I need to take a deep breath and not focus solely on the mud and the muck.
I came home mid-tantrum to someone who loves me unconditionally. I was told by that person that it is not as bad as I think it is. I believe her. And I also believe that what I really needed was a good cry.
Obviously, the car was not the only reason that I lost it. I came home, mid-tantrum, and my best friend calmly told me that I have a tendency to let "one thing wreck my day." Well damn her for being right, because she is. I have problems. I have a lot of them. Right now, they seem huge. They seem like the end of the world and generally speaking, I don't know what to do. But, when it comes down to it, everyone has problems. Everyone probably thinks that their problems are huge and everyone probably should alleviate them by having a melt down.
I mean it.
Have a tantrum if you need to in order to feel better. Maybe don't throw your phone, because they are expensive, but if you need to scream... fucking do it. I'm glad that I did. If I hadn't I would probably still be stewing on my problems.
I think the thing is that I expect too much. I expect too much from life, I expect too much from myself, and I expect too much from other people. Things are not always going to go my way. In fact, lately, few things have come out the way that I have wanted them. I have to get used to that. I have to wrap my teeny tiny, pea-sized brain around the fact that life doesn't come on my terms. I have to live life on life's terms.
Sometimes that means I am going to have to continue using my Esca-legs to get around, that I need to find a new job, that I have to depend on the kindness of my friends to have a roof over my head. It means that my student loans aren't what I expected them to be and that I am not guaranteed to be a size 5 forever. It also means that I get to see my son off to school and pick him up from school. It means I might actually have the time to learn to ride my long board while I look for a job. It means that I can take the opportunity to learn to manage my money better instead of just spending it willy-nilly. It means that I have friends that love me and time to build strength of character.
Life is seldom what I want or expect it to be. Sometimes life is a big bag of dicks. No matter what, life is a gift. Life is beautiful. Life is growth. Life is change.
I learned today that I will probably always be in perpetual motion. I will probably always be in a state of chaos. What needs to happen is that I need to learn to handle the chaos and flow with it. I need to take a deep breath and not focus solely on the mud and the muck.
I came home mid-tantrum to someone who loves me unconditionally. I was told by that person that it is not as bad as I think it is. I believe her. And I also believe that what I really needed was a good cry.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Holy Blogsack.
Has it been a while since I blogged? I can't remember. I was too busy getting sober, wrecking my life, rebuilding my life, and going through multiple cycles of crazy versus sane. Crazy almost consistently wins out, however a lot of the time when I get crazy my hair just gets curlier. Just kidding, I wish.
The last year has been emotional, action-packed, adventurous, spiritual, chaotic, unstable, magical, beautiful, and weird. Weird works for me, so that is probably why this has been the best year of my life. As of September 8, 2014 I have been sober for one full year. I now reside in Washington and my oldest son, Archer, resides with me. We live with a friend, as I am looking for my own place, and I am finally back in graduate school. I hope to teach history to high school kids in a couple of years.
Today I decided to blog again because I am having a shitty day. You hear that? Shitty. It's utterly horrible. A few days ago, I hit an emotional bottom. I won't go into details, but I will say that it was through my own actions, my confusing self-will with spirituality, and my inherent ability to be a Olympic level chode. I found myself sober, but feeling hungover. I was actually physically ill. I decided then that a purge was in order. I started eating vegan, took a ton of time to pray and meditate, and did a ridiculous, semi-embarrassing amount of journaling. As a result of hitting my knees in an utter state of surrender, my Creator and I came to a few conclusions together. I won't go into the details of those, but I will say that they are basically the same things that kept me sober for a year and regarding which I had become lax. My Creator and I are still working through a couple of things, but I am confident that She (or he) will eventually slap me in the face hard enough that I will see reason and submit.
As a general rule, my life today is amazing. Sobriety has (mostly) taught me to love me. I wake up in the mornings and embrace the day. I do things and I enjoy the sunshine. I am healthy and fit. I have fallen in love with my children again and I have fallen in a different kind of love with my ex-husband. I have friends and I have standards and I have morals and I have values. I have both short and long-term goals. I have a spiritual life and a creative life and an active life. I have very little materially speaking, but I have so much that my heart is full.
There are times when I have to remind myself that stress and anxiety are temporary. There are days when I just want to lay down and sleep. There are times when I want to give in and call it quits, because it's hard. Being a grown up sucks and being sober means I have to do it while feeling every single feeling. But they pass, the feelings do. I have learned, absolutely, that feelings are temporary. Grace is permanent. And it is through Grace that I am sober today.
The last year has been emotional, action-packed, adventurous, spiritual, chaotic, unstable, magical, beautiful, and weird. Weird works for me, so that is probably why this has been the best year of my life. As of September 8, 2014 I have been sober for one full year. I now reside in Washington and my oldest son, Archer, resides with me. We live with a friend, as I am looking for my own place, and I am finally back in graduate school. I hope to teach history to high school kids in a couple of years.
Today I decided to blog again because I am having a shitty day. You hear that? Shitty. It's utterly horrible. A few days ago, I hit an emotional bottom. I won't go into details, but I will say that it was through my own actions, my confusing self-will with spirituality, and my inherent ability to be a Olympic level chode. I found myself sober, but feeling hungover. I was actually physically ill. I decided then that a purge was in order. I started eating vegan, took a ton of time to pray and meditate, and did a ridiculous, semi-embarrassing amount of journaling. As a result of hitting my knees in an utter state of surrender, my Creator and I came to a few conclusions together. I won't go into the details of those, but I will say that they are basically the same things that kept me sober for a year and regarding which I had become lax. My Creator and I are still working through a couple of things, but I am confident that She (or he) will eventually slap me in the face hard enough that I will see reason and submit.
As a general rule, my life today is amazing. Sobriety has (mostly) taught me to love me. I wake up in the mornings and embrace the day. I do things and I enjoy the sunshine. I am healthy and fit. I have fallen in love with my children again and I have fallen in a different kind of love with my ex-husband. I have friends and I have standards and I have morals and I have values. I have both short and long-term goals. I have a spiritual life and a creative life and an active life. I have very little materially speaking, but I have so much that my heart is full.
There are times when I have to remind myself that stress and anxiety are temporary. There are days when I just want to lay down and sleep. There are times when I want to give in and call it quits, because it's hard. Being a grown up sucks and being sober means I have to do it while feeling every single feeling. But they pass, the feelings do. I have learned, absolutely, that feelings are temporary. Grace is permanent. And it is through Grace that I am sober today.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
New World
My husband separated from the Navy about two weeks ago. He did this voluntarily. We both hold bachelor's degrees. Two months before he separated, my children and I moved to our final destination so that I could start to look for a job, which I have been doing since our arrival.
Today is December 4th and I still don't have a job. This is depressing in its own right, especially since I have applied for such a wide range of things. We have no income except for unemployment, which hasn't started yet. We had to apply for food stamps and I have contacted local organizations about getting Christmas presents for my kids.
Last night, we were out of food and our food stamps didn't hit our account until six p.m. One of my friends ordered and sent us a pizza so that we could eat before 10 p.m. Today, one of my friends found out that we didn't have money for Christmas gifts so she gave me a gift card to Sears that she had so that I could buy a couple of things for my kids. She also sent me an old cell phone because mine is broken and we can't afford to buy a new one. The food stamp case worker pushed our food stamps through on the first day when she heard our circumstances.
I am awestricken by how awesome people are. None of those people had to do those things and they did them. They didn't even seem to mind, which makes them even more awesome. On top of that, I am extremely grateful that these programs are available to me and my family. We would literally have no food if it wasn't for food stamps. Had they not gone through, we would have had to go to a food bank. I am so grateful that there are organizations that donate toys to kids who wouldn't get much of a Christmas without them.
I can't believe that my family is in this place. I never thought I would be calling charitable organizations asking what kinds of outreach they do because I needed them for my family. This is a world that I never imagined myself being a part of. As I watch my son's school uniform get smaller and don't see my job prospects getting larger, I find myself wondering if there are organizations that donate such things or if I am going to have to hope that I strike gold at the thrift stores.
This is a new world to me and I find that it fills me with mixed emotions. I feel gratitude, shame, embarrassment, stress, appreciation, hope, and sadness. I have never been here before and I hope that I am never here again. I also hope that I am not here for long. This is a world that no one should have to live in, however this is a world that will make you feel differently about what you have, had, and hope for. It is also a world that will teach you about yourself and your loved ones.
Today is December 4th and I still don't have a job. This is depressing in its own right, especially since I have applied for such a wide range of things. We have no income except for unemployment, which hasn't started yet. We had to apply for food stamps and I have contacted local organizations about getting Christmas presents for my kids.
Last night, we were out of food and our food stamps didn't hit our account until six p.m. One of my friends ordered and sent us a pizza so that we could eat before 10 p.m. Today, one of my friends found out that we didn't have money for Christmas gifts so she gave me a gift card to Sears that she had so that I could buy a couple of things for my kids. She also sent me an old cell phone because mine is broken and we can't afford to buy a new one. The food stamp case worker pushed our food stamps through on the first day when she heard our circumstances.
I am awestricken by how awesome people are. None of those people had to do those things and they did them. They didn't even seem to mind, which makes them even more awesome. On top of that, I am extremely grateful that these programs are available to me and my family. We would literally have no food if it wasn't for food stamps. Had they not gone through, we would have had to go to a food bank. I am so grateful that there are organizations that donate toys to kids who wouldn't get much of a Christmas without them.
I can't believe that my family is in this place. I never thought I would be calling charitable organizations asking what kinds of outreach they do because I needed them for my family. This is a world that I never imagined myself being a part of. As I watch my son's school uniform get smaller and don't see my job prospects getting larger, I find myself wondering if there are organizations that donate such things or if I am going to have to hope that I strike gold at the thrift stores.
This is a new world to me and I find that it fills me with mixed emotions. I feel gratitude, shame, embarrassment, stress, appreciation, hope, and sadness. I have never been here before and I hope that I am never here again. I also hope that I am not here for long. This is a world that no one should have to live in, however this is a world that will make you feel differently about what you have, had, and hope for. It is also a world that will teach you about yourself and your loved ones.
Monday, November 12, 2012
The Final Countdown.
This week is the end of my life as a Navy wife. Five long years later, and it feels good. It feels good knowing that by the end of this week, the Navy will never force separation on my family again. It feels good knowing that we won't have to deal with the long hours, degrading pay, and Navy bullshit anymore. I couldn't be happier about this step in my life.
I am also appreciative because I know that the separations are virtually the only reason my husband doesn't want to stay in the military. He likes his job, he's good at his job, he has friends at work that he will be giving up. Dave makes an excellent sailor and the Navy has been lucky to have him. I am lucky to have a husband who's willing to make such a big personal sacrifice, just to be in my presence.
I am excited because I am in my home town, near my family. I am looking to enter a master's degree program that I am really enthusiastic about, which makes me feel amazing. I am excited to enter the workforce and to get a break from my children. I have a race coming up soon, I am excited to see how I have grown as a runner. I am excited because this change leaves me with so much to look forward to.
However, the biggest emotion that I feel is sadness. I miss Washington so much that I can't even explain it. I am so sad that I am so far away, and will now be dealing with a lifestyle separation, from some of the best friends I have ever had. I am sad that I won't get the chance to make new friendships, because I feel there are more than likely a lot of great Navy wives that I didn't meet. I am sad that we are giving up being a part of such an amazing community.
I am sad that my kids had to leave their friends and that I don't know when we will see them again. I'm sad that we are saying goodbye to the life that brought us together as a couple and the life that turned us into the parents we have become. It's a huge deal to leave the Navy life. I wish I hadn't taken so much of it for granted. The future is bright, but the past is luminous.
Respeck.
I am also appreciative because I know that the separations are virtually the only reason my husband doesn't want to stay in the military. He likes his job, he's good at his job, he has friends at work that he will be giving up. Dave makes an excellent sailor and the Navy has been lucky to have him. I am lucky to have a husband who's willing to make such a big personal sacrifice, just to be in my presence.
I am excited because I am in my home town, near my family. I am looking to enter a master's degree program that I am really enthusiastic about, which makes me feel amazing. I am excited to enter the workforce and to get a break from my children. I have a race coming up soon, I am excited to see how I have grown as a runner. I am excited because this change leaves me with so much to look forward to.
However, the biggest emotion that I feel is sadness. I miss Washington so much that I can't even explain it. I am so sad that I am so far away, and will now be dealing with a lifestyle separation, from some of the best friends I have ever had. I am sad that I won't get the chance to make new friendships, because I feel there are more than likely a lot of great Navy wives that I didn't meet. I am sad that we are giving up being a part of such an amazing community.
I am sad that my kids had to leave their friends and that I don't know when we will see them again. I'm sad that we are saying goodbye to the life that brought us together as a couple and the life that turned us into the parents we have become. It's a huge deal to leave the Navy life. I wish I hadn't taken so much of it for granted. The future is bright, but the past is luminous.
Respeck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
