Illness and Merriment.

The past two days have been awful. I was "blessed" with one of the worst immune systems known to mankind and have been chronically sick since I was a little Molly. I get ear infections, gnarly sinus infections, colds that put me down for days, and whatever else comes my direction. Of course, because of this, I spend almost every winter fighting off different bugs. It's not very fun in the best of circumstances, but it's even worse when there's no one here to help.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling like death warmed over. I was clammy and had the chills, my throat was on fire, and I was dizzy. Thanks to some of my fellow Navy wives, my kids were cared for all day while I slept. I couldn't manage to keep myself awake for more than a few minutes at a time and it was terrible. Then, this morning, another friend watched the spawn while I went to the doctor. I tested positive for strep and was also diagnosed with a double ear infection. No wonder that I didn't feel well and couldn't stay awake!

After being given a shot of penicillin directly in my "upper thigh," I came home determined to take my other meds and give my children the Christmas Eve and Christmas that they very much deserve. Good thing for me that penicillin acts quickly. I got the house picked up (shit gets pretty gross when mom is sick for a day), started laundry, and baked cookies for Santa. Then I had it out with my toddler about whether or not he even deserves a visit from Santa tonight. Now I have to make a gingerbread house that I really don't feel like standing up for long enough to make. After bedtime, I have to assemble a bookshelf, a play table, and a push toy. Lucky for me, I have cool neighbors who are also handy and willing to help me assemble.

It's really hard to be merry and productive when you feel like garbage and miss your spouse. However, when you have little ones it is also very necessary to go through the motions despite the inclination to hunker down and ignore the world. My kids give me a reason to get up in the morning. They give me a reason to fake a smile and to keep on trucking when life gets messy. I don't know what I'd do without them. That said, I probably shouldn't let them eat the cookies that I handled. I don't want kids with strep.

Wind Down.

I think that any military spouse will say that deployments are stressful and that staying busy is the key to making them go by quickly. However, when you have kids staying busy is a given. The messes are constant, there's chaos, there is an endless string of things that need to be done. I am not really having any issues with keeping myself occupied. Even with the holiday break from school, I managed to compile a list of things that I need to do that I would have trouble finding time for with school going on.

I have been a Navy wife for over four years now, and the big thing that was drummed into my head by everyone. Imagine my surprise when deployment actually happened for us and staying busy is not the problem. Finding the time to wind down has been really tricky. Then, when I do have time to wind down, I find myself in my bed running through the massive list of things to do that I have for the next day. There's no wind down for the wife of a deployed sailor. I'm a mother, a pet owner, a student, a housekeeper, a laundromat, and a runner. How the hell am I supposed to relax with all of those balls in the air?

I have never been a masterful juggler. I like to get things done. I like the satisfied feeling that comes with checking things off of my to-do list. I like making the list because it makes me feel like I have a set of goals. Being that anal retentive has made for an interesting ride so far during this deployment. I'm very used to having a second person to pass some duties on to. Perhaps he drives me a little bit insane because he's not as driven to get things done as I am. Perhaps he doesn't always do those things to my specifications. However, he does them and it significantly reduces the size of my list.

Because of this challenge, I am learning to juggle and I am also learning to let go. If my house is not picked up, I have to let it go. I have to sleep. I have to care for my children. If there are Legos on the floor while I am doing that, I just have to suck it up and deal with them. It's not easy being anal retentive and learning to let go and wind down. It isn't easy doing all of this on my own. It's not easy trying to wind down when life doesn't ever wind down.

Woosaw.

Thankful Thursday. Again.

I never get tired of finding reasons to be grateful for the things that I have in my life. I forget, very often, how lucky I am. I don't fault myself for forgetting. It's easy to overlook all of the good when you are running around after your kids, trying to keep the bills straight, running to lose weight, doing laundry, doing dishes, putting food on the table, cleaning up after pets, doing homework, and trying to have a little bit of fun. That's a lot of responsibility.

I have to make to-do lists in order to keep it all straight. If I don't write appointments on my calendar, I won't make it to them because I simply cannot remember everything that I have going on. Another problem that i have is that if I don't receive a paper bill for something, I won't pay it. I would love to be all green and eco-friendly, but I need those little pieces of paper to remind me to pay for things.

Sometimes, I feel like it is hopeless. Tonight, I was sitting at my dinner table alone eating a meal that I didn't really like (too spicy) and thinking about everything that didn't get done today (new light bulb in the kitchen, skipped my workout because my knees hurt) and everything that I have to get done tomorrow (won't even go there). Then I started thinking about how fun my weekend was going to be, but how that fun comes with chaos and I just need a freaking break. I was mentally ticking off a list of things that I have going on and need to get done before the end of the month and I was getting more and more depressed about how lonely and isolated I feel. Then, like a bolt of lightening, my grandmother flashed into my mind.

My grandma is one of the greatest blessings of my life. I could go on and on about why I love her, but I won't do that here. What I will say is this: my grandmother has Alzheimer's disease. The person whose eightieth birthday we celebrated a couple of years ago is gone. She is skin and bone. She doesn't remember my kids. She forgets to eat. Her once immaculate home is dirty. She yells at my mother for reminding her to take her pills. She mutters to herself and her face twitches as she sits and stares at the television. She isn't really seeing what's happening, she's just trying to understand the world around her.

My grandma still makes to-do lists, the problem is that then she reads them and only becomes more confused. She doesn't remember exactly what the little notations mean or she loses the entire list in the massive pile of mail that she refuses to let anyone dispose of. If I think that I am overwhelmed and lonely and that the only person who cares about me is across an ocean, I should probably think again. My feelings are valid, but at least I can process them. At least I am here and now and I know what's going on. I can't imagine the loneliness and the overwhelming feelings that are associated with memory loss.

The thought of my grandmother humbled me today. She's amazing, she doesn't deserve this. I'm so, wonderfully, painfully alive. I am making memories both good and bad. I am present and I need to remember that. No matter how many things don't go as I have planned them, no matter how often I allow myself to feel let down, no matter what reality I am perceiving, I should always remember that I'm lucky, I am blessed, and I will overcome.

Oh! What a Busy Life!

Here I was thinking, "Molly- just count down to Christmas break. Then you can do crafts with the kids and take it easy!" Little did I know that I am a naive, optimist. I already have a to-do list a mile long for Christmas break, and it includes getting Elvish and assembling all kinds of things that I know are beyond my capacity to assemble. And this week before the break? Forget it. I am so busy that I feel like my head is swimming in circles while I look on helplessly from the outside. Who would have thought that my last fifteen credit hours as an undergrad would be so draining?

The last week has not come without a new set of lessons. Life without Dave brings at least one per day and not all of them are the fun kind. In the past week I have learned:

1. The cat, along with three medium sized stuffed animals, can fit into a toddler sized Buzz Lightyear suitcase. However, he will pee himself from fright and be close to expiring by the time that you find him. Salvaging the suitcase and stuffed toys will be pointless. Also- I have good instincts and I should follow them. I am still not sure what prompted me to open that suitcase.

2. Herman Melville is an asshat. He was an asshat when I was in high school, reading Moby Dick and he is still an asshat years later when I have to read his "short" stories for my elective literature course. He's also talentless and overrated.

3. Dogs and cats poop a lot. Pet ownership is a lot less awesome when you have to clean up after the pets without any help and while your child is flushing Captain America down the toilet inside.

4. Swallowing the SCOBY when drinking Kombucha is awful. Absolutely terrible.

5. Three-year-olds are amazing snugglers. They also smell really nice and give the best kisses. They know just when to tell you the right things.

6. My kids are the most annoying beings on the planet, but I like them better than I like anyone else on the planet.

7. Skype was clearly created by God. It also does not use the internet, my husband's images (though blurry) and his voice (though cracking) are streamed to me on the wings of angels.

8. Rio is a really cute movie, but only the first twelve times in three days. After that, the songs start to get a little annoying.

9. Friends are never overrated, and some times you meet the most important ones in adulthood.

10. There is not enough coffee and Zoloft in the world to get me through the next six months. I may have to invest in some Red Bull, Speed, or a medically induced coma.

As I look forward to the end of this week and the beginning of Christmas break, I realize that I am doing worse in my head than I am in real life. Rock on, Molly B., Rock on.

I leave you with a picture of myself, moments after I accidentally swallowed the SCOBY.

More Lessons.

I think that it is truly amazing where life takes you and which sets of plans don't work out and which do. In 2003, I had been accepted to three different colleges and I was trying to pick one. In 2004, I was going to my local community college and living in the ghetto. In 2005, I was pregnant. In 2006, I fell in love. In 2007, I was pregnant again. In 2008, I suddenly found myself in Washington State with my husband. Now, here I sit in 2011 (albeit, the end). My husband is over seas. He won't be back for several months. I had another baby ten months ago. I am less than six months from finally finishing college, after a lot of obstacles and breaks. We are less than a year from ending our association with the Navy. We plan on staying in Washington. My husband has decided that he is going to go to school for a second bachelor's degree, in music. Life has led us in such an interesting direction, that sometimes I just have to stop and shake my head. I love where I am right now, but that doesn't mean that there aren't some things that I would change.

In the last six days, I have learned that best-laid plans are for the birds. No matter what, something will always come up that changes the name of the game. Today, the book store was closed and I was unable to pick up some books that my three-year-old ordered on his school field trip. It was small, but it was still a part of my plan for the day and it was still a change. When it comes to deployment, nothing is certain. I am less than a week in and I have already learned that. I expected my washing machine to be exploding and my children to be running rampant. Instead, my trashcan broke and they are having trouble sleeping. Nothing is ever the way that you plan it to be. Here are some lessons I have learned so far:

1. You will get the one person at the NEX who doesn't comprehend "fade" when you take your little boy in for a haircut. You will also need to know certain numbers for a fade, otherwise it will barely look like a haircut at all.

2. Recordable books are really annoying in the hands of a child who doesn't use them correctly.

3. Porcelain trash cans can suddenly and inexplicably break into two pieces.

4. Your support network can change at any given moment, in the Navy world people are not the most reliable thing.

5. A ten month old who suddenly starts rejecting food will go back to having seedy, breastfed baby poop but they will have more of it and it will explode all over everything.

6. Grocery shopping is not so bad when you do it completely alone.

7. Skype freezes a lot and always when you are making a weird face.

8. Skyping on a laptop while in bed creates a really unflattering angle, which also adds ten pounds.

9. Dogs get weirdly territorial and overprotective when they sense a major change.

10. Cat boxes are absolutely disgusting and cats are foul, filthy little buggers.

That is all for today. Good night. I shall leave you with a picture from the unflattering Skype angle.

The Weekend and the Store.

Weekends with a deployed spouse are the pits. Everyone else is using the time as their major family time for the week, which means that you either impede and tag along or spend the weekend alone.

I am entering into my first weekend without my husband at home. I have a lot on my schedule in an attempt to keep myself busy. I have a Dove Chocolate party today. I became a consultant a little over a month ago, with the sole intent of giving myself something to do while he's gone. Not that kids, housework, running, and school wouldn't keep me busy enough. I just felt like it would be nice to have something else going on for me.

Then tomorrow I am hosting a coffee date for some others who have deployed husbands. I am very much looking forward to getting to know them and hopefully having a good network going for the next few months. After they leave, I am going to go to the grocery store. That's usually Dave's job and I am not looking forward to it.

The grocery store gives me major anxiety. I deal with very severe depression. I have social anxiety coming out of my ears. I have a really tough time in small groups where I don't know everyone or in large groups period. I also diagnosed myself as agoraphobic a couple of years ago and the grocery store triggers that. I hate the fluorescent lights and all of the strangers. When I add screaming, whining, wiggling kids into the equation I start to really panic. My vision gets blurry and I have a hard time focusing. I usually am actually dripping sweat by the time I check out at the register.

Then, when I get home, I have to juggle fussy kids with the fact that the groceries need to get put away. Also, I can't stand to leave them out because I hate messes and clutter. After that, I have to settle the kids after the whole ordeal and by the end of it I usually feel totally defeated and emotionally exhausted. Then it triggers my depression and I get bummed out about what a basket case I am.

That may seem like a lot of writing just to describe a simple trip to the store, but it's my truth. The fact is that going to the grocery store is necessary. I am going to have to do it. Even if I am lucky enough to find a sitter once or twice, I am definitely not going to have one every time I need to go. This is one of my anxieties that I am going to simply HAVE to get past before my husband returns.

Wish me luck, and pray that the canned goods don't attack me.

Things I Have Already Learned.

Yesterday was the beginning of a new journey for me. My husband left on his first deployment. This is the first time since he was in boot camp that we will be separated for more than a month or so. He will miss all of our birthdays, Christmas, our anniversary, and my college graduation. I know that it isn't going to be easy, but I am very determined to face it with a smile and a positive attitude. I am looking forward to becoming more independent and bonding with my elder son, who's a major daddy's boy. It has only been twenty-four hours, but I have already learned quite a bit.

1. There are concrete barriers on base that are short enough to not appear in the rear view mirror.
2. Dogs relish the opportunity to try and claim your bed as their own when they notice extra space.
3. My three-year-old is perfectly capable of holding a long, meaningful conversation on the phone.
4. My mom is awesome, sometimes.
5. Bananas are a wonderful breakfast for a self-feeding baby who has the trots.
6. Deployed husbands mean no more breakfast in bed for me.

and 7. I fall asleep at 9:30 with no one to keep me entertained.

I know that in the coming months, the list of things that I will learn will only grow longer. Some of the things that I learn will be funny, others will be frustrating, and there might even be some sadness. The important part, however, is that I will be learning. No matter how old I am, I relish any opportunity to better myself and learn more.