The Weekend and the Store.

Weekends with a deployed spouse are the pits. Everyone else is using the time as their major family time for the week, which means that you either impede and tag along or spend the weekend alone.

I am entering into my first weekend without my husband at home. I have a lot on my schedule in an attempt to keep myself busy. I have a Dove Chocolate party today. I became a consultant a little over a month ago, with the sole intent of giving myself something to do while he's gone. Not that kids, housework, running, and school wouldn't keep me busy enough. I just felt like it would be nice to have something else going on for me.

Then tomorrow I am hosting a coffee date for some others who have deployed husbands. I am very much looking forward to getting to know them and hopefully having a good network going for the next few months. After they leave, I am going to go to the grocery store. That's usually Dave's job and I am not looking forward to it.

The grocery store gives me major anxiety. I deal with very severe depression. I have social anxiety coming out of my ears. I have a really tough time in small groups where I don't know everyone or in large groups period. I also diagnosed myself as agoraphobic a couple of years ago and the grocery store triggers that. I hate the fluorescent lights and all of the strangers. When I add screaming, whining, wiggling kids into the equation I start to really panic. My vision gets blurry and I have a hard time focusing. I usually am actually dripping sweat by the time I check out at the register.

Then, when I get home, I have to juggle fussy kids with the fact that the groceries need to get put away. Also, I can't stand to leave them out because I hate messes and clutter. After that, I have to settle the kids after the whole ordeal and by the end of it I usually feel totally defeated and emotionally exhausted. Then it triggers my depression and I get bummed out about what a basket case I am.

That may seem like a lot of writing just to describe a simple trip to the store, but it's my truth. The fact is that going to the grocery store is necessary. I am going to have to do it. Even if I am lucky enough to find a sitter once or twice, I am definitely not going to have one every time I need to go. This is one of my anxieties that I am going to simply HAVE to get past before my husband returns.

Wish me luck, and pray that the canned goods don't attack me.