Decisions, Decisions

As a full time college student, my education is extremely important to me. I don't just want to get my Bachelor's, I have to. It's something I not only want for myself, it is something that I expect for myself. I won't settle for being well read and high school educated. I want to be extremely well read and college educated. I ultimately plan on getting my Ph.D. but since first things are always first, I am currently working on my B.A. in History. Being a Navy wife and a formerly very rebellious young person has presented me with some unique challenges in regards to my college education.

First, it took me quite a while to get my head on my shoulders and start taking college seriously. I am proud to say that, after a tumultuous couple of years, I have been doing well for about 3 years now. Secondly, I initially did not think that I could make a career as anything but a teacher with a History degree and therefore chose two different majors that really didn't mean anything to me. I finally decided two years ago that I would rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate, and I changed my major to History. At that point, I really thought that I was on the right track and that I would surely graduate within the next couple of years and in a timely manner.

However, life had different plans for me. I found out that I was pregnant with Archer and got married to Dave. Dave then enlisted in the Navy and eventually we had to move. When we got to Washington, I immediately started the process of getting enrolled at my local community college. Soon I found out that while my classes and credits did transfer over, I was going to lose 1 credit here and 1 credit there as a part of the process. This was really hard for me to swallow as I had worked so hard to earn those credits and now I was going to have to take extra classes to basically fill the void. However, I squared my shoulders and trudged forward.

Now, here were are almost two years later and I am facing another impending move to a new state. I know now that another move will cost me more credits and that it will be another set back. The more I thought about this, the more depressed I got. I started searching for a way that I could just transfer one last time to a college where I could complete my degree fully online. If this was possible, I would only have to transfer one last time and then I could really just get my butt in gear and finish out my degree.

It didn't take me long, for my answer to come to me in the form of Ashford University. I had always been skeptical of online schools. I was afraid that I would put in a bunch of work and then find out that my degree was from a school that was not appropriately accredited and I would never be able to get a job or get into a Master's degree program. However, I have checked into Ashford and read a lot of information about accreditation as well as read reviews of the college. I have finally made the decision to transfer to Ashford University and finish my education.

I am really excited to take this step. For one thing, I think that it means that there is a clear end in sight for me. I can finally see the end and the degree and that feels really good. For another, it will take a lot of stress off of my shoulders. I won't have to worry anymore that I am going to have to transfer or where I will go next. I will also not have to fiddle around with community colleges anymore. I will be working a specific degree program and doing exactly what I need, as opposed to taking classes that may or may not end up being necessary for my major. I am so glad that I made this decision. I just want to fulfill my goal of having a B.A. that way I can be proud of myself and see myself as someone my children should be proud of.

Here's to the future!

Going? Going. Gone!

Most anyone who is or has been affiliated with the military knows how military life is. It is very unpredictable. There are lots of ups and downs and a great deal of uncertainty. We have been pretty fortunate up to this point. My husband has been on shore duty for most of his 2 years in the Navy and we will spend our last 2.5 years of Navy life on Sea Duty. Most people do not go to shore duty first, which was lucky. On top of that, my husband is assigned to a squadron which, although shore duty, goes on various 'detachments' for varying amounts of time quite frequently. Even for shore duty, members of his squadron tend to be gone a lot. However, we have been here for almost two years and today marks only the 2nd time he has had to leave us.

The first time was just over a year ago and he was gone for 4 weeks. This time, he left today and as of now he should be gone for about 3 weeks. It doesn't seem like too long, 3 weeks is a time frame that I can handle. However, this whole thing has been the 3-ring circus from hell. A month ago, we knew that he was leaving for a month starting on January 10th. We were ready for it and had childcare arranged so that I could go to school, worry-free. Then he came home from work one day, right before he was supposed to leave and said that due to some circumstances, he was only going to be going for 7 days from January 20th-27th. Ok, great. Less childcare to pay for, less time away from the family. So then, within the two weeks of having this info, the dates must have changed 3 or 4 times. That was annoying, but it was fine because it was still just a short amount of time. Fast forward to the day before yesterday...he calls me from work and says, "Well I asked like four times last week and was told no but now I was just told that I am staying the remainder after the 27th. So, I won't be back until February 12th.

That was the beginning of my real frustration. I mean, like I said, I can handle three weeks. But, I cannot come to grips with him having asked repetitively for a week if his only being gone for a week was set in stone and then them changing it on him with less than 24 hours notice. And it gets worse, we then said our goodbyes and prepared ourselves. After school yesterday, I was ready to take on my first solo day. I get home, walk through the door, and about have a heart attack. He is sitting on the couch in his sweats. Apparently they couldn't get out of here and to where they needed to be and so he was supposed to be back at 7 a.m. today. And now, I get a phone call that "If I haven't heard from him by 1:30 he's gone, otherwise he might not be leaving til Sunday." This is a freaking circus and I really really don't like it.

I sat here and totaled everything up and I came to the number 7. If he leaves today as he is supposed to, then his plans were changed 7 times. If not, the number becomes 8. This is getting ridiculous. And to make matters worse, I am extremely sick of hearing, 'Well that's the Navy,' and other similar comments. I know that is how Navy life is, it doesn't mean that I am not allowed to be annoyed, frustrated, sad, upset, angry, or whatever other emotion I feel. I am entitled to my feelings regardless of how typical the situation is.

I just wish that this organization that is responsible for our nation's safety and well being, this organization that people idolize and depend on, this organization that stands behind these slogans about how important and great they are, I wish that this organization would display some professionalism. Is that too much to ask?

Resolve.

It happens every year. We, the well meaning people of Earth, greet a new year at midnight on January 1st. Many of us, make resolutions. Some resolutions are common and easy, some are personal and difficult. Some of us keep them. Some of us smash them to ribbons within a month. I tend to fall into the category of people who do not make resolutions because I do not want to feel badly about myself when I break them. There are a lot of things that I would like to do this year but not all of them would actually be fitting to be called resolutions for the new year. However this year I decided to make 2 resolutions for the new year, although personally, I would rather think of them as goals.

The first is to workout 4 days a week for the entire year. I would definitely like to lose weight. However that is not the reason for this goal. I truly believe that in combination with vitamin B12 and 5HTP, if I work out regularly I could conquer my depression and have a great year. 5 days per week would be amazing but I want to set a realistic goal. Especially considering that we are facing a move in May and that I will be attending school full time throughout the year, I think that 4 seems more reasonable and definitely much more achievable.

The second is to read 100 books this calendar year. I recently finished The Shack but since I started it in 2009, I have decided not to count it. The book that I started today, Beautiful Boy, will be my first book of the 100 that I plan to read. Wish me luck, as I think that this one is the loftier of my two goals. If I have to read any books (not textbooks) for school, I will be counting those toward my 100 as I almost always enjoy every book that I read. I blog about the books that I read here and I will be blogging about all of the ones that I read in 2010. Since I have the titles in my book blog numbered, I am going to start this project by resetting the numbers and indicating which number each book was for me in 2010.

So, folks, these are my resolutions for 2010. Among them are other goals that I have for the year. However, these are the two that I wish to call my resolutions and these two will be given special emphasis in 2010. Lofty goals? Maybe. Achievable goals? I believe so. Wish me luck. And I hope that at least one or two people will follow my progress.

It's a Mad, Mad World.

I have been a member of an online community for moms for over two years now. It's definitely the website that I frequent the most and I have actually made friends online that I speak to on the phone and consider to be some of the best friends that I have. I have also learned a lot. If it were not for this community I would not be a cloth diapering mom and I would not know nearly as much as I do about breastfeeding, circumcision, natural living, vaccines, co-sleeping, home birthing, and many other parenting related topics. I am very grateful for having been pointed in the right direction on all of these topics.

However, as a member of said online community I have learned that mothers can be the most judgmental jerks in the entire universe. No parent is perfect and any one who claims to me is being pretentious. We all make mistakes as parents and we all do the best that we can. I know that 'we all' is very broad and that there are exceptions, but I am choosing to be general. I know some parents do what they are told, they sometimes are called sheep because they follow the herd. I know that some parents read multiple books on each individual topic before making any decisions at all. Some consult their own parents or peers.

The fact is, we all make millions of decisions from the moment that we find out that we are going to become parents. Some decisions are, in fact, better than others. Some decisions are unsafe, but when we know better we do better. Some decisions are a bit lazy and the decision is made to cater more to the wants of the parent than the best interest of the child. Sometimes there are decisions that are misguided, we choose to do things based off of false information, outdated information, or the opinion of great grandma Esther who thinks that she is the only person who 100% knows how to properly raise a child. None of us are perfect parents, we have all made one or two bad decisions as a parent.

The fact that I know that; a) mothers are super judgmental, b) there are millions of decisions to be made as a parent, and c) each of us will, at some point, make the decision that is not the best, seems to have brought me to a point of clarity and enlightenment to which it seems a great many of my online cohorts have not come. I am going to capitalize and bold this point so that it stands out. IT TAKES MORE THAN ONE BAD DECISION TO MAKE A BAD PARENT.

Sheesh. Getting that off of my chest made me feel a lot better. I am really tired of constantly seeing statements such as, "People who do not vaccinate are selfish parents," or "Spanking is shameful," or "Letting your kids watch TV is utterly lazy and loathsome." One of the main reasons that I am tired of seeing is that usually the person saying (read-typing) it has previously posted about doing at least one thing that I think is lazy, selfish, shameful, misguided, etc. None of us is perfect in the eyes of every other parent. That is just the way that it is. The important thing is to be confident in the decisions we all make as parents and to make them to the best of our abilities. The best parent is the parent who does his/ her best. Period.

*note to readers-this logic can really be applied to anything. For example: One fashion mistake does not a bad dresser make, One misguided joke does not make someone an asshole, and so on and so forth.*

Stepping BACK up.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had been making a concerned effort to work out and lose weight. Of course, the moment those two little lines appeared, that went right out the window. But now, I am back in the game. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym tonight. I am pretty sure I am going to make going to the gym our after nap routine every day, Sunday-Thursday. I will take the same days off of the gym as Dave takes from work.

I would really love it if Dave would work out with me, but he doesn't seem to be interested. I spent a long time saying that I was going to wait for Dave, lose weight with Dave, or that I was failing because I was doing it without his support. I know now that I was setting myself up to fail by depending on him. Dave doesn't see anything wrong with his diet, he does not really have the desire to work out, and he is perfectly fine with the way that he looks. I realized that he doesn't do things to sabotage me at all. He does them because they are right for him and he doesn't understand why they aren't right for me. And that's fine. But it does mean that I need to take matters into my own hands. So, to the gym I will go, without him. Declining food I will do, when he cooks it. Order salad I will, when he goes to a fast food joint.

I am truly ready to get back down to a presentable weight. I want to be able to go out and buy jeans. I want to go somewhere and feel like I look good. I want to be happy with myself. My goal is to look like a mega hottie next year at the annual XXX-Mas Party. I want people to be like,"Damn. Dave's wife is a pretty girl." But mostly, I just want to be a mom that my kids can be proud of. I want them to see me as an example of what to be rather than what not to be. And that goes as far as health and fitness as well.

Giving Thanks.

I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I don't think it's very nice to celebrate the fact that we basically bamboozled the Native Americans into thinking we were legit and then totally flipped the script and did horrible things to them. However, I am totally into the thought of having a day that we all celebrate the things that we have in life that are deserving of thanks. I guess that what I mean to say is that I see this day as a day of giving thanks and I try to disregard the historical aspect of the holiday.

This year, giving thanks was kind of difficult. I am 1600 miles away from my family and my close friends, I just had a miscarriage, I have the persistent sinus infection from hell, I am overweight and really self conscious, and we are having financial problems of epic proportions. The real kickers are the miscarriage, the distance, and the money. All of these things combined caused me to wake up this morning feeling rather "blah."

However, the Lord up above must have sensed my hesitation because although I woke up feeling like an elephant was sitting on my sinus cavity, a series of wonderful things happened. First, my darling husband realized that my sinuses were troubling me and he allowed me to sleep in. I got roughly 2 extra hours due to his awesomeness. Then, as I was waking up and rolling around and trying to will myself out of bed, I heard the sounds of my family. They were laughing, making animal noises, and chattering. I immediately felt like I wanted to jump out of bed and get in on the fun. Instead, I slowly hobbled downstairs while holding pressure to my aching sinus cavity. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, I realized that I could smell chocolate cake. I meandered into the kitchen to find that Dave had made the Black Forest Trifle that I had been planning on making today. Of course, in typical male fashion, it looks like a choco-cherry bomb went off in my kitchen. But it really is the thought that counts. He then told me to sit down, brought me a glass of water so that I could take my vitamins and the Sudafed that has been my best friend lately, and a cup of coffee.

As I was sitting here, drinking my coffee and massaging my sinus, I realized that sometimes things get crappy. But usually, they get better. And even when things are crappy, there is always something to be thankful for. In my case, the best things in my life are free, healthy, happy, and precious. And they don't care if I'm broke. They don't care that my uterus recently failed me. And even though we are far away from everyone else, we do have each other. I have a houseful of amazing and no matter how many cloudy days I have, they will always be my sunshine. I should probably not have hesitated this morning, because there is always something to be thankful for.

Best Laid Plans

Today was supposed to be my D&C procedure to end this pregnancy, however my body had another course of action in mind. Yesterday afternoon, I miscarried naturally. I am kind of torn on how I feel about it. First of all, it was really painful and second of all, it was really gross. There was a brief period where it looked like someone had been murdered in my bathroom. But on the plus side, I have been really sick with a cold and I was not sure how safe it was for me to go under anesthesia. Not to mention, I am the type of person who generally thinks that natural is better. There are risks to the D&C that just don't exist with a miscarriage because a miscarriage is the body's natural course of action.

Fortunately, it started before Dave went to work so he was able to get the evening off to help me out. No way could I have played mommy and managed that at the same time. Someone above was definitely watching out for me. And luckily, the majority of this is all over. I need to take today to rest and let myself heal. I should be able to start seeing my body go back to normal in the coming month. It might be strange, but I am still feeling very hopeful. I feel like this was a bump in the road and now that I have passed it by, we can start to heal and move on with our lives.

I haven't spoken to my dad since the first time, but I was thinking last night that I hope he calls me again. I was really hopeful about developing a relationship, but I want him to be the one to call me. I know that he returned my call the first time, but I feel like him taking the first step the next time would make me certain that he wants to work on things as well. Especially since it has been so long and it was so bad before. I just feel like if he doesn't call me this time he isn't reciprocating.

Well, I am off to the couch to begin my healing day.