Holy Blogsack.

Has it been a while since I blogged? I can't remember. I was too busy getting sober, wrecking my life, rebuilding my life, and going through multiple cycles of crazy versus sane. Crazy almost consistently wins out, however a lot of the time when I get crazy my hair just gets curlier. Just kidding, I wish.

The last year has been emotional, action-packed, adventurous, spiritual, chaotic, unstable, magical, beautiful, and weird. Weird works for me, so that is probably why this has been the best year of my life. As of September 8, 2014 I have been sober for one full year. I now reside in Washington and my oldest son, Archer, resides with me. We live with a friend, as I am looking for my own place, and I am finally back in graduate school. I hope to teach history to high school kids in a couple of years.

Today I decided to blog again because I am having a shitty day. You hear that? Shitty. It's utterly horrible. A few days ago, I hit an emotional bottom. I won't go into details, but I will say that it was through my own actions, my confusing self-will with spirituality, and my inherent ability to be a Olympic level chode. I found myself sober, but feeling hungover. I was actually physically ill. I decided then that a purge was in order. I started eating vegan, took a ton of time to pray and meditate, and did a ridiculous, semi-embarrassing amount of journaling. As a result of hitting my knees in an utter state of surrender, my Creator and I came to a few conclusions together. I won't go into the details of those, but I will say that they are basically the same things that kept me sober for a year and regarding which I had become lax. My Creator and I are still working through a couple of things, but I am confident that She (or he) will eventually slap me in the face hard enough that I will see reason and submit.

As a general rule, my life today is amazing. Sobriety has (mostly) taught me to love me. I wake up in the mornings and embrace the day. I do things and I enjoy the sunshine. I am healthy and fit. I have fallen in love with my children again and I have fallen in a different kind of love with my ex-husband. I have friends and I have standards and I have morals and I have values. I have both short and long-term goals. I have a spiritual life and a creative life and an active life. I have very little materially speaking, but I have so much that my heart is full.

There are times when I have to remind myself that stress and anxiety are temporary. There are days when I just want to lay down and sleep. There are times when I want to give in and call it quits, because it's hard. Being a grown up sucks and being sober means I have to do it while feeling every single feeling. But they pass, the feelings do. I have learned, absolutely, that feelings are temporary. Grace is permanent. And it is through Grace that I am sober today.

New World

My husband separated from the Navy about two weeks ago. He did this voluntarily. We both hold bachelor's degrees. Two months before he separated, my children and I moved to our final destination so that I could start to look for a job, which I have been doing since our arrival.

Today is December 4th and I still don't have a job. This is depressing in its own right, especially since I have applied for such a wide range of things. We have no income except for unemployment, which hasn't started yet. We had to apply for food stamps and I have contacted local organizations about getting Christmas presents for my kids.

Last night, we were out of food and our food stamps didn't hit our account until six p.m. One of my friends ordered and sent us a pizza so that we could eat before 10 p.m. Today, one of my friends found out that we didn't have money for Christmas gifts so she gave me a gift card to Sears that she had so that I could buy a couple of things for my kids. She also sent me an old cell phone because mine is broken and we can't afford to buy a new one. The food stamp case worker pushed our food stamps through on the first day when she heard our circumstances.

I am awestricken by how awesome people are. None of those people had to do those things and they did them. They didn't even seem to mind, which makes them even more awesome. On top of that, I am extremely grateful that these programs are available to me and my family. We would literally have no food if it wasn't for food stamps. Had they not gone through, we would have had to go to a food bank. I am so grateful that there are organizations that donate toys to kids who wouldn't get much of a Christmas without them.


I can't believe that my family is in this place. I never thought I would be calling charitable organizations asking what kinds of outreach they do because I needed them for my family. This is a world that I never imagined myself being a part of. As I watch my son's school uniform get smaller and don't see my job prospects getting larger, I find myself wondering if there are organizations that donate such things or if I am going to have to hope that I strike gold at the thrift stores.

This is a new world to me and I find that it fills me with mixed emotions. I feel gratitude, shame, embarrassment, stress, appreciation, hope, and sadness. I have never been here before and I hope that I am never here again. I also hope that I am not here for long. This is a world that no one should have to live in, however this is a world that will make you feel differently about what you have, had, and hope for. It is also a world that will teach you about yourself and your loved ones.

The Final Countdown.

This week is the end of my life as a Navy wife. Five long years later, and it feels good. It feels good knowing that by the end of this week, the Navy will never force separation on my family again. It feels good knowing that we won't have to deal with the long hours, degrading pay, and Navy bullshit anymore. I couldn't be happier about this step in my life.

I am also appreciative because I know that the separations are virtually the only reason my husband doesn't want to stay in the military. He likes his job, he's good at his job, he has friends at work that he will be giving up. Dave makes an excellent sailor and the Navy has been lucky to have him. I am lucky to have a husband who's willing to make such a big personal sacrifice, just to be in my presence.

I am excited because I am in my home town, near my family. I am looking to enter a master's degree program that I am really enthusiastic about, which makes me feel amazing. I am excited to enter the workforce and to get a break from my children. I have a race coming up soon, I am excited to see how I have grown as a runner. I am excited because this change leaves me with so much to look forward to.

However, the biggest emotion that I feel is sadness. I miss Washington so much that I can't even explain it. I am so sad that I am so far away, and will now be dealing with a lifestyle separation, from some of the best friends I have ever had. I am sad that I won't get the chance to make new friendships, because I feel there are more than likely a lot of great Navy wives that I didn't meet. I am sad that we are giving up being a part of such an amazing community.

I am sad that my kids had to leave their friends and that I don't know when we will see them again. I'm sad that we are saying goodbye to the life that brought us together as a couple and the life that turned us into the parents we have become. It's a huge deal to leave the Navy life. I wish I hadn't taken so much of it for granted. The future is bright, but the past is luminous.

Respeck.

Free to Be Me.

All I want right now is to cut my hair, dye part of it blue, pierce my septum, and finish my sleeve. I have been putting it off because after five years of being a stay-at-home-mom, I am finally looking to get back into the work force. I am having a hard time finding a job and I think that if I make myself look even more different than I already do, I won't be employable at all.

It's bumming me out because I am me, and I am proud of who I am. I wouldn't have all of these tattoos if I didn't like them, and I don't regret getting them. Having tattoos and wanting blue hair does not say anything about me, other than that I like blue and I like tattoos. In fact, I really don't like needles, even though I am tattooed.

I have a degree, and I plan on getting a graduate degree. I am smart and hardworking. I am really friendly and I learn quickly. I am clean and dress appropriately. I think that I am very employable. I just want to job where I don't have to wear a turtleneck and long sleeves, seeing as it is like eighty degrees here in October. I want a job where I can be me, even where my looks are concerned. I don't feel like I am asking too much.

I don't want to wear skimpy clothes. I just don't want to constantly be covering up all of my tattoos.  I hate that I can't do what I want to do with my hair, because of some stupid notion society has about what's acceptable. I look darn good with blue in my hair. I want to let my light shine. I don't feel like it's too much to ask. There has to be somewhere that I can get a job and still look the way I want to look.

I feel like everyone has a different light. Everyone has a different look. I really wish that I lived in a world where everyone was able to let their light shine through the way that they want. Purple hair, a mohawk, head to toe tattoos, piercings galore, a mu-mu, head coverings in public, all black, pastels only, bald, bearded, dread-locked- I don't care. It's all pretty as long as the wearer feels pretty. I think the important thing is to do what makes you feel like you light shines.

In my opinion, it is incredibly unfortunate that I feel like I can't let my light shine because I won't be able to get a job. Or I can choose to let it shine, and remain unemployed until I can find an accepting employer. We are all so beautiful and so different, we humans, it's a pity that we are so often compelled to conform.

My little Oyster.

Last night as I was dealing with my usual bout of insomnia, I was thinking about something that I have experienced multiple times recently. This leads me to a post that is going to have two parts, the first is going to be about choosing your words carefully.

Recently, a couple of different people have said to me that my younger son, Puff, must have gotten all of the personality between he and Archer. That sentence in itself is incredibly hurtful to me and would have been incredibly hurtful to Archer had he been the one to hear it. There are many other ways to describe my boys. Puff is definitely the more boisterous of the two. However, being outgoing doesn't necessarily mean that he has all of the personality. I won't pretend that I have never put my foot in my mouth before. I have done it many times and I probably do it at least once a day. However, when referring to someone's children or addressing their parenting tactics or home life it would always be prudent to choose your words carefully. Hurting my feelings regarding Archer is one thing, but had he heard these statements and been hurt himself it would have been a whole different issue.

Now on to the good stuff. The part about my little oyster. Puff is definitely more of an intense personality than Archer is. However, anybody who thinks Archer doesn't have much personality is sadly mistaken. In fact, that mistake says more about you than it does about Archer. What it says is that you haven't been let in by him, and that's probably with good reason. Archer only opens up to the coolest of the cool. He only becomes attached to people who truly deserve his love and attention. And when he opens up, you will find the most amazing pearl in the whole world. If Puff lets you in, it means that you smiled at him or, simply, that you are in the room. However, Archer is more selective regarding the people that he opens up to.

As far as personality goes, Archer loves to snuggle. He loves to play in the dirt and he enjoys collecting bugs. He knows lots of different bugs by name and he also knows their habits. He is well-versed in animals and sea-creatures. We have tried to put him in several different sports, but he would rather play the piano. He likes to talk to adults and tell them stories about Transformers and Thomas the Train. He prefers situations where adults talk to him one on one. He has excellent taste in movies and he loves zombies. He would be an amazing sidekick to have when the zombie apocalypse rolls into town. He is extremely perceptive and really witty. He is much like his dad in that he will suddenly use a big word and surprise you because you never imagined he would know the meaning of that word.

Archer loves people. He remembers people that he hasn't seen in years. He takes his attachments very seriously. He takes his friendships and relationships seriously. Archer doesn't like to kill bugs, he would rather set them free. He likes to give hugs. He likes pink and he also likes princesses. He has no concept that certain things are for boys and certain things are for girls, and I intend to keep it that way for as long as possible. He believes in magic and he lives in a world where superheroes are real. If we pass a red and black car, he generally assumes that it is Bumblebee and he is on an important mission.

Archer is not typical as far as boys his age go. However, to assume he has less personality than his brother is a gross underestimation. And, I say again, it really says more about you than it does about him. If you are reading this, and you know the Archer that I described, you should feel an incredible amount of pride. If that little oyster let you into his life, than you must be pretty special too. If not, you should take the time to talk to him. Your life will be better because of it. Mine is.

A Journey.

I know that I talk a lot about running, but that is because I love running. Running saved my life. Running picked me up out of a crippling depression that had been going on for years. Running lost me 60 pounds, which is great on its own but it also did wonders for the self-loathing I had been feeling for years. But most of all, running made me believe in God again.

I have been on a spiritual roller coaster for most of my life. I was raised Catholic, and my Catholic family didn't exactly make the religion appealing. My upbringing made me very leery of religion. It made me loathe spirituality and question God. It raised questions that have lasted until the present. I don't really have a lot of good things to say about Catholicism, but I won't go any further with it because I don't want to offend anyone. Suffice to say, I am not Catholic anymore and being Catholic wasn't a positive thing for me.

I have, at times, decided to try to find my way to God but I never have managed to. I dabbled in churches and never lasted long. But for the past year and a half, I have been growing closer to God without a church. It has been made abundantly clear to me that he exists and most of that has come to me through running.

It happens in various ways. Sometimes, I run outside and bear witness to beautiful things that point to God. Sometimes, I run and my thoughts wander and then become clear in a way that I can't really describe. Sometimes, it hurts so bad that I can't wait for it to be over but when I am done I feel like I conquered the world. Other times, I spend and entire run feeling grateful for my feet pounding the pavement and the breath in my lungs. All of it has inspired a level of gratitude within me that leads me to a level of faith that I have never experienced before.

For the first 25 years of my life, I had no desire to run. When I was young and hadn't baked and birthed babies, I didn't really need exercise to be in shape. After I became a mom, and when I started struggling with my weight, I tried all different sorts of exercise and nothing ever really stuck. I couldn't get into it. Then, suddenly, when I was at my heaviest and when I was at my most miserable I decided to buckle down and I started to run.

What followed can only be credited to God. I pushed through when I hated it, and I am not known for my perseverance. I started to lose weight, I started to love running. Here I sit nearly two years later, and running is the only thing in my life that I am 100% certain of. If I gain weight, I will still run. I look forward to it every day. I feel things and know things when I run that I don't feel or know at any other point during the day.

In my mind, it is like this perfect circle. When I needed running, God brought me to it.  I don't think that I just needed it physically, I think that God knew that running would bring me to him as well. God brought me running and running brings me to God every day.

I am writing this with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I am enjoying the path that I am on and I am enjoying the journey that I am taking. I can say, with certainty, that I did not like my life nearly as much when God and running were not part of it. 

Wow....8 months later.

I can't believe that it has been eight months since the last time I blogged. I think that I have gotten very caught up in the business of life. I forgot that blogging can be cathartic and that it does good things for my mental health. I would make this the type of post that updates everyone on how I have been and what I have been doing, but to be honest I haven't been doing that much. In short, I still run and I still love it. I still parent and sometimes I love it and sometimes I wish that I could run away screaming and start a single life in a city somewhere. My husband was deployed and now he is back, however my kids and I are now living in a different state waiting for his service to end. He should be joining us in a month and a half. I graduated from college and am getting ready to start graduate school. I will be pursuing an MA in teaching. I think that's about it, and it is definitely the interesting stuff.



I decided to blog again because here I am alone with my kids again. By the time that 2012 ends, my husband and I will have only lived together for 4 months of the year. While I understand that this is a part of the military package, that doesn't make it suck any less. My husband is amazing. We have a wonderful relationship and I love him very much. On top of that, he is a great father and he is very involved. He helps a lot around the house and does more parenting than many men that I know. It has been a really long year for me.



I don't think that a lot of people are completely honest with the public about their feelings on parenthood. I know that, having been a stay-at-home-mom for the last five years, there is a lot of pressure in the stay-at-home-mom community to be all mommy all the time. You are looked down on or judged if you express an interest in a life outside of the home.A stay-at-home-mom is expected to enjoy every minute of it and to devote herself to it entirely. I know some moms who actually do, I know some moms who are honest about the moments that they don't. However, most of the moms I know just put something out there that I *personally* don't think they really feel.



We moms don't talk about how exasperating it is to try and keep a house clean all day long while the messes seem to keep popping up. No one understands how hard it is knowing that the words "go brush your teeth" are going to cause a tantrum but they have to be said anyways. No one especially understands the crushing feeling of having a million things to do, wanting to do them all right, and feeling like you will never get the five minutes you want to just sit there and breathe. I have felt that a lot this year. Being a stay-at-home-mom is defeating me. I am not giving my all to anything because I feel like it's never enough.



I am so tired all the time that I feel like having a job of my own would actually be refreshing. I feel like I would value my time with my children more if I worked outside of the home. I want to enjoy them, not wish that they would go play quietly away from me in their rooms. I want to look forward to the moments that I will share with them rather than dreading the moment that nap ends and I have to deal with more messes. On the weekends (or whatever my days off are) I would like to look forward to doing things with them rather than wishing for a moment of peace and quiet.



I love my kids so much. I love being a mom. I love being a wife. But I think that I need to get back in touch with Molly as a person. For a long time, school was all I needed to keep me anchored as a person. Then I added running and that worked like a charm. But, once again, I need to grow and I need to change. I need to work. I need to start making a life for myself outside of my home. I need to see myself as something other than a wife and mom and student and runner, because I have always known that I was capable of great things and I need to feel like I am doing them.



It's time for me to walk out the front door and grow even more than I already have in the last couple of years.