...like every time I start taking steps forward, I take 3 steps back in return. It's such a horrible feeling. I just feel like I can't get ahead. I've been sleeping a lot again lately and in turn missing out on a lot and putting a lot of responsibility on Dave. I feel like my headaches play a big part in it and luckily that will be remedied soon. However, I feel like the depression mixed with the headaches makes my problem 1,000 times worse. I just have these days where I can't get myself out of bed. The worst part is at the end of the day, when I hear bath time and bedtime starting, I feel so left out. I know, at that moment, that I have missed out on a whole, wonderful day with my family and it breaks my heart. But it doesn't change things. I still can't get out of bed. I think about it. I try. But I always end up back there. I am hoping that next week, when I up my dosage of antidepressant, I will see some real improvement. The fact is that right now I am having one bad day for every good day that I have.
I just cannot go on like this. I feel like a bad wife, a bad mom, and a bad friend. Not to mention I feel like a bad person. I want to be up and out and happy. I want to be doing things, getting things done and having some fun. But it just isn't happening and it makes me wonder if I will ever get to the point where I am "better." At this point in my life, I would actually be more than happy with "OK." I start school next month and I am terrified that the bad days will start to outweigh the good and I will get bad grades. I just don't even know what to do or where to turn anymore. I feel like things are never going to start looking up.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Yesterday and Today
I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I managed to keep myself too busy and then to be exhausted from being so busy. I started off the day by going to my doctor appointment at 9 a.m. I really liked the new doctor and found her to be interested and helpful. She started me off on a low dose of Celexa (really low, 5 mg) and had me get blood drawn to check my thyroid. I am set to return in two weeks to see how the meds are working and to get the results of my blood work and discuss my weight issue. I was not too impressed with the facility that she worked in, but I think a good doctor outweighs a bad facility.
I came home and spent the rest of the day doing things around home. I managed to complete all but one thing off of my list for yesterday, which was one thing that I decided yesterday was too early to do. We had a pretty good day yesterday and Dave even got home pretty early last night, which was really nice because he has been really tired.
Today I have to go to the dentist, which I am really looking forward to doing. I have TMJ and have needed to begin the process to treat it for quite some time. The headaches and back and neck aches are almost unbearable. They are a big contributor to my ability to sleep all day long. It's very easy to be lazy when your body hurts. I am hoping the dentist will be able to fit me for a splint to bite on. My mom has one, because she has TMJ too, and it has done her wonders.
Since I didn't post yesterday, here is my to-do list for today:
1. Dentist
2. Vacuum Downstairs
3. Put Away Laundry
4. Play outside
Not very much to do, but it's still important that I get it done.
Last night, I realized something about myself that kind of sucks. I realized that I have a tendency to alienate people. In part, my depression is to blame because I can be extremely moody. I tend to get grumpy and then just kind of be mean. Sometimes it's not even mean, it's bitchy and rude. Other times I get sulky which causes me to act in a way that I don't really intend upon behaving. In all honesty, when I wonder why I don't have a lot of friends I don't really get tremendously sad about it. I am not a super social person and I am actually fine with only having one or two good friends. But it occurred to me that sometimes even the friendships that I consider good ones fail, and I think that a lot of the time my unpredictable and difficult to understand mood swings could be responsible.
Thinking about this made me wonder if I am well suited to be a friend to anyone right now. I am still not sure. I know that I am in a place where I need a lot of support. But I also know that as a friend, I need to be supportive. It's difficult for me to do that at this time because I am so focused on bettering myself and simply getting out of bed in the morning. I need to learn to balance focusing on me and lending support if I want to succeed in establishing meaningful friendships with the women here. I have friends back home, it's here that I am lacking. I just have a tough time getting past my own crap.
I still hold to what I said about having friends that I need to weed out of my life. But that's all back home. People with drama and craziness, some of whom have been my friends forever but we have changed too much and it isn't working. Here, I don't even hardly have any friends. And the ones I do have don't seem to like me very much anymore. They seem to have given up on me, or they don't really understand me, or maybe they just figured out that they never liked me. Either way, I am lonely.
And above all else, I feel like I am failing as a mom for not providing socialization. I cried for over an hour last night at the thought of dragging my family down with me because of my own social problems. It's really hard for me because I just don't do well with people. Even the ones I initially do well with, I blow it and it isn't just me that suffers. Sometimes we all do and it isn't fair. I need to work on being a better friend and an easier person to be around. It's something I am really committed to changing during this process. So everyone, wish me luck.
I came home and spent the rest of the day doing things around home. I managed to complete all but one thing off of my list for yesterday, which was one thing that I decided yesterday was too early to do. We had a pretty good day yesterday and Dave even got home pretty early last night, which was really nice because he has been really tired.
Today I have to go to the dentist, which I am really looking forward to doing. I have TMJ and have needed to begin the process to treat it for quite some time. The headaches and back and neck aches are almost unbearable. They are a big contributor to my ability to sleep all day long. It's very easy to be lazy when your body hurts. I am hoping the dentist will be able to fit me for a splint to bite on. My mom has one, because she has TMJ too, and it has done her wonders.
Since I didn't post yesterday, here is my to-do list for today:
1. Dentist
2. Vacuum Downstairs
3. Put Away Laundry
4. Play outside
Not very much to do, but it's still important that I get it done.
Last night, I realized something about myself that kind of sucks. I realized that I have a tendency to alienate people. In part, my depression is to blame because I can be extremely moody. I tend to get grumpy and then just kind of be mean. Sometimes it's not even mean, it's bitchy and rude. Other times I get sulky which causes me to act in a way that I don't really intend upon behaving. In all honesty, when I wonder why I don't have a lot of friends I don't really get tremendously sad about it. I am not a super social person and I am actually fine with only having one or two good friends. But it occurred to me that sometimes even the friendships that I consider good ones fail, and I think that a lot of the time my unpredictable and difficult to understand mood swings could be responsible.
Thinking about this made me wonder if I am well suited to be a friend to anyone right now. I am still not sure. I know that I am in a place where I need a lot of support. But I also know that as a friend, I need to be supportive. It's difficult for me to do that at this time because I am so focused on bettering myself and simply getting out of bed in the morning. I need to learn to balance focusing on me and lending support if I want to succeed in establishing meaningful friendships with the women here. I have friends back home, it's here that I am lacking. I just have a tough time getting past my own crap.
I still hold to what I said about having friends that I need to weed out of my life. But that's all back home. People with drama and craziness, some of whom have been my friends forever but we have changed too much and it isn't working. Here, I don't even hardly have any friends. And the ones I do have don't seem to like me very much anymore. They seem to have given up on me, or they don't really understand me, or maybe they just figured out that they never liked me. Either way, I am lonely.
And above all else, I feel like I am failing as a mom for not providing socialization. I cried for over an hour last night at the thought of dragging my family down with me because of my own social problems. It's really hard for me because I just don't do well with people. Even the ones I initially do well with, I blow it and it isn't just me that suffers. Sometimes we all do and it isn't fair. I need to work on being a better friend and an easier person to be around. It's something I am really committed to changing during this process. So everyone, wish me luck.
Monday, August 10, 2009
It Can't All Be Perfect
I am totally bummed out and disheartened right now. I had such a good week last week and now today and yesterday were officially bad days. I didn't write on Friday or Saturday because they were both awesome and fulfilling days.
Friday started out normally enough being that it was Dave's day off. But then we found out that our friends from Colorado, a married couple were about 20 minutes away from our home. We knew that they were up here hiking and doing the outdoor adventure thing, but we never expected them to come so close to our place. We seized the opportunity and invited them to dinner. It was very exciting for us because this was the first time that we were able to have friends from back home in our place. Everyone always says that they will visit, but no one ever does. It was wonderful to cook them dinner and have them see where we live. They stayed and visited with us for a while and it truly was a wonderful beginning to a wonderful weekend.
On Saturday we woke up to some pretty horrible news from our family back home. It was really horrible and it makes it even more difficult that we are so far away and can't really do anything but worry. Shortly after getting that news, we got up and going and drove to Seattle to spend the day sightseeing with our friends from out of town. They are in way better shape and way more athletic than we are so we spent the entire day just walking around and seeing as much of Seattle as we possibly could. It was pretty awesome because we are super broke and we managed to have an awesome day in the city without spending all of our money. We did eat lunch and ride the ferry but that is moderate compared to what we usually spend.
It is unbelievable how much more fun things are when you do them with friends. Dave and I have been to Seattle several times and we have seen a lot of the city. Both of us have enjoyed it very much. But none of those excursions has been as much fun as Saturday. It was just more enjoyable to share it with people that we care about. I wish that our other friends would come and see Seattle and let us show them around. It would be so much fun. But either way, I am very glad that we got to do it at least once.
I don't know what happened yesterday. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe I was bummed out over the bad news. Maybe I was sad that our friends had to leave. But for some reason, I slept til noon. Then I got up and proceeded to do nothing all day. I didn't clean up, workout, or even shower. I was ready for bed by 7 pm and I didn't accomplish a thing. Then this morning, I slept til noon as well. When I finally woke up, I felt terrible. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I forced myself to get up and take a shower. I then cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms. I am now sitting here writing this. I still need to dust and vacuum the living room and workout. I need to force myself to do these things. All day yesterday I just felt like I wanted to curl up in bed and die. I can't let myself slip into feeling that way again. I felt that I had come so far last week. I don't want to backtrack. I want to move forward.
So for today, I need to:
1. Dust Livingroom
2. Vacuum Livingroom
3. Workout
It doesn't seem like much but the way I am feeling, I am really going to have to convince myself to get those three little things done. I will do them though. I don't want to lose out on all of the progress that I have made recently. Here is my list for tomorrow:
1. Dr. appt.
2. Workout
3. Clean up living room
4. Clean up bedrooms
5. Get started on laundry
6. Make menu for next 2 weeks
Friday started out normally enough being that it was Dave's day off. But then we found out that our friends from Colorado, a married couple were about 20 minutes away from our home. We knew that they were up here hiking and doing the outdoor adventure thing, but we never expected them to come so close to our place. We seized the opportunity and invited them to dinner. It was very exciting for us because this was the first time that we were able to have friends from back home in our place. Everyone always says that they will visit, but no one ever does. It was wonderful to cook them dinner and have them see where we live. They stayed and visited with us for a while and it truly was a wonderful beginning to a wonderful weekend.
On Saturday we woke up to some pretty horrible news from our family back home. It was really horrible and it makes it even more difficult that we are so far away and can't really do anything but worry. Shortly after getting that news, we got up and going and drove to Seattle to spend the day sightseeing with our friends from out of town. They are in way better shape and way more athletic than we are so we spent the entire day just walking around and seeing as much of Seattle as we possibly could. It was pretty awesome because we are super broke and we managed to have an awesome day in the city without spending all of our money. We did eat lunch and ride the ferry but that is moderate compared to what we usually spend.
It is unbelievable how much more fun things are when you do them with friends. Dave and I have been to Seattle several times and we have seen a lot of the city. Both of us have enjoyed it very much. But none of those excursions has been as much fun as Saturday. It was just more enjoyable to share it with people that we care about. I wish that our other friends would come and see Seattle and let us show them around. It would be so much fun. But either way, I am very glad that we got to do it at least once.
I don't know what happened yesterday. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe I was bummed out over the bad news. Maybe I was sad that our friends had to leave. But for some reason, I slept til noon. Then I got up and proceeded to do nothing all day. I didn't clean up, workout, or even shower. I was ready for bed by 7 pm and I didn't accomplish a thing. Then this morning, I slept til noon as well. When I finally woke up, I felt terrible. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I forced myself to get up and take a shower. I then cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms. I am now sitting here writing this. I still need to dust and vacuum the living room and workout. I need to force myself to do these things. All day yesterday I just felt like I wanted to curl up in bed and die. I can't let myself slip into feeling that way again. I felt that I had come so far last week. I don't want to backtrack. I want to move forward.
So for today, I need to:
1. Dust Livingroom
2. Vacuum Livingroom
3. Workout
It doesn't seem like much but the way I am feeling, I am really going to have to convince myself to get those three little things done. I will do them though. I don't want to lose out on all of the progress that I have made recently. Here is my list for tomorrow:
1. Dr. appt.
2. Workout
3. Clean up living room
4. Clean up bedrooms
5. Get started on laundry
6. Make menu for next 2 weeks
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Money Matters
I am fortunate enough to have a friend that is good with her money. She knows what she is doing and manages her family budget very well. Since Dave and I are having some issues right now, she was kind enough to come over this evening and share her knowledge with me. Let me just pause to thank her, again. It was awesome and I am now really excited. I am excited to have some new tools and yet another area of my life to begin to improve.
I have never been "terrible" with money. I always get the bills paid and put food in the 'fridge before doing anything else. But I wouldn't say that I have things covered. We don't have savings and we tend to be really broke, right after payday. It's something that I have recently begin feeling that I need to work on. I need to make it so that our finances are a more secure area of our lives, as opposed to just an area where we scrape by. Now that I have had some guidance and know that I have someone that I can come to with questions, I am eager to begin working on it. I already have a plan in mind to reduce our next grocery bill. Let's just all hope it works. I am also starting on the budget that was given to me tonight. I need to do some 'fill in the blank' work and start taking a deeper look at things. I hope to have some new developments in this area to write about in the coming days.
We did end up having to go to the Relief Society today. When I was faced with having Dave's next paycheck be partially gone by the time it got here, I freaked. We would just have to go in two weeks if that happened, so I figured that we had better get it over with. We are now out of overdraft, have all the bills paid, and have about $150 to get us through until the 15th. Since we only need one or two more ingredients for the recipes we have planned, I think that this is more than sufficient and doable. There will be no entertainment, but I love to read and have books piled up and we have a Blockbuster Online subscription in place. I really don't think we need much more than that.
I received another item of good news today in the mail. I got my transcript evaluation back from my school today. I am to the point where I only need 23 more credit hours to be finished with my AA degree. This translates to roughly 5 classes. However, since I need to satisfy some additional math courses it leaves me looking at about 9. This is pretty awesome news. 3 classes per quarter is full time and 3 quarters per year is typical (since I want to take a summer break). I guess I will be done with my AA in May of 2010! Which means I will be done with my BA in May of 2012! I like having a time line for school, finally. I am already 23 and I was afraid I would be into my early 40s by the time I finished my Bachelor's. Since I want to go all the way to a Ph.D. finishing my BA in my forties would really suck. I wouldn't get much enjoyment out of being Dr. B. if it took me that long. I now have the end of one of my goals in sight and that makes me feel really powerful.
I have had such an awesome week so far. I am really proud of myself. The only day this week during which I have stayed in my PJs was yesterday. Even then, I did things. I managed to have a good day, even though it was a bit more lazy and low-key than the other days have been. I have gotten the things done that I said I would and I feel like moving around and being active are really helping me to control my moods. I am starting to think that half of the battle was for me to start to push myself toward change. Once I took charge I noticed almost immediately that things started to get better. Posting here is a big help as well. It causes me to examine my days and to feel like I need to have something to post, therefore I need to do something. It's amazing to me how much the small steps have helped me out thus far.
I know that I still have a long way to go in this uphill battle. I just can't help but feeling like I am victorious every single day that I don't fall into my old patterns. Though I will admit that I have been feeling a little lonely lately. I wish that I had been more active in play dates and the like from the start, because now I feel like I need to start from scratch again. I know that a lot of people have given up on including me and making plans with me and I know that I am at fault for that. You can only have a person cancel on you so many times before you throw in the towel. The important thing is that I know in my heart that I just need to keep on trying. I need to keep asking people to hang out and showing up when I make plans and I think that eventually I won't be as lonely. At least I hope so. It could turn out that I am just socially inept and not that likable. That would suck and I really hope it's not the case, so I am going to press on.
Tomorrow is Dave's first day off for the weekend. I am really hoping for good weather so that we can go to the kiddie pool at the beach. We spent a lot of time there last year but we have yet to go this year. I think it would be a nice way to spend an afternoon. If it isn't quite sunny enough for the pool, I would at least like to go on a walk or go to a park. Some fresh air would do the B-Fam a lot of good. Tomorrow should be pretty lazy and casual but I am still going to make a small list of goals before I go:
1. Get pictures hung up (This is actually Dave's job,but he takes lots of prodding)
2. Put away laundry
3. Vacuum
4. Finish up budgeting papers
5. Get out of the house at some point
6. Work Out
I have never been "terrible" with money. I always get the bills paid and put food in the 'fridge before doing anything else. But I wouldn't say that I have things covered. We don't have savings and we tend to be really broke, right after payday. It's something that I have recently begin feeling that I need to work on. I need to make it so that our finances are a more secure area of our lives, as opposed to just an area where we scrape by. Now that I have had some guidance and know that I have someone that I can come to with questions, I am eager to begin working on it. I already have a plan in mind to reduce our next grocery bill. Let's just all hope it works. I am also starting on the budget that was given to me tonight. I need to do some 'fill in the blank' work and start taking a deeper look at things. I hope to have some new developments in this area to write about in the coming days.
We did end up having to go to the Relief Society today. When I was faced with having Dave's next paycheck be partially gone by the time it got here, I freaked. We would just have to go in two weeks if that happened, so I figured that we had better get it over with. We are now out of overdraft, have all the bills paid, and have about $150 to get us through until the 15th. Since we only need one or two more ingredients for the recipes we have planned, I think that this is more than sufficient and doable. There will be no entertainment, but I love to read and have books piled up and we have a Blockbuster Online subscription in place. I really don't think we need much more than that.
I received another item of good news today in the mail. I got my transcript evaluation back from my school today. I am to the point where I only need 23 more credit hours to be finished with my AA degree. This translates to roughly 5 classes. However, since I need to satisfy some additional math courses it leaves me looking at about 9. This is pretty awesome news. 3 classes per quarter is full time and 3 quarters per year is typical (since I want to take a summer break). I guess I will be done with my AA in May of 2010! Which means I will be done with my BA in May of 2012! I like having a time line for school, finally. I am already 23 and I was afraid I would be into my early 40s by the time I finished my Bachelor's. Since I want to go all the way to a Ph.D. finishing my BA in my forties would really suck. I wouldn't get much enjoyment out of being Dr. B. if it took me that long. I now have the end of one of my goals in sight and that makes me feel really powerful.
I have had such an awesome week so far. I am really proud of myself. The only day this week during which I have stayed in my PJs was yesterday. Even then, I did things. I managed to have a good day, even though it was a bit more lazy and low-key than the other days have been. I have gotten the things done that I said I would and I feel like moving around and being active are really helping me to control my moods. I am starting to think that half of the battle was for me to start to push myself toward change. Once I took charge I noticed almost immediately that things started to get better. Posting here is a big help as well. It causes me to examine my days and to feel like I need to have something to post, therefore I need to do something. It's amazing to me how much the small steps have helped me out thus far.
I know that I still have a long way to go in this uphill battle. I just can't help but feeling like I am victorious every single day that I don't fall into my old patterns. Though I will admit that I have been feeling a little lonely lately. I wish that I had been more active in play dates and the like from the start, because now I feel like I need to start from scratch again. I know that a lot of people have given up on including me and making plans with me and I know that I am at fault for that. You can only have a person cancel on you so many times before you throw in the towel. The important thing is that I know in my heart that I just need to keep on trying. I need to keep asking people to hang out and showing up when I make plans and I think that eventually I won't be as lonely. At least I hope so. It could turn out that I am just socially inept and not that likable. That would suck and I really hope it's not the case, so I am going to press on.
Tomorrow is Dave's first day off for the weekend. I am really hoping for good weather so that we can go to the kiddie pool at the beach. We spent a lot of time there last year but we have yet to go this year. I think it would be a nice way to spend an afternoon. If it isn't quite sunny enough for the pool, I would at least like to go on a walk or go to a park. Some fresh air would do the B-Fam a lot of good. Tomorrow should be pretty lazy and casual but I am still going to make a small list of goals before I go:
1. Get pictures hung up (This is actually Dave's job,but he takes lots of prodding)
2. Put away laundry
3. Vacuum
4. Finish up budgeting papers
5. Get out of the house at some point
6. Work Out
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Whoop Whoop
Make sure you say that whoop whoop in a really shrill, annoying voice. It loses meaning otherwise.
I had another day of fulfilling all of my tasks on my list. Well, one was modified. We played at a friends instead of outside. It was kind of gloomy. I still think it counts though. I'm taking credit.
I did have some kind of lame news from my school. I slacked for too long and now I have to get a short term loan to pay my tuition until my financial aid comes through. It kind of sucks because hassling with financial aid really sucks. But the fact remains that I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. So tomorrow, I will be applying for the short term loan. Next Monday I will pick my classes. Next Wednesday, I will be selling my books from last quarter back to the school. Then I can enjoy the rest of my break and look forward to a new year.
I really like school. I like learning. I like knowing things. It's really amazing to me how empowering it is to get an education. I feel like I am bettering myself every time I see one of my grades. I honestly think that I could get my Ph.D. in History and then just move right in to getting another Bachelor's in some other subject. I would really like an English Literature degree at some point. I also think it would be nice to have a degree in Art History. I know so many people who find school to be boring (my husband is one of them). I just am not one of those people. I remember getting bored in school, but that usually had to do with me being a little bit ahead of my class. Only once in all of high school did I have to cling to every word the teacher said to get through class. That was an Economics class and I worked my butt off for a B. It was totally humbling. That class really put me in my place. I should take another Economics class as an elective someday again. I really would like to conquer that subject someday.
David and I did Day 2 of our 30 Day Challenge and man was it tough. I am so sore, I had to take the stairs one at a time. I like it though, it makes me feel like I am making progress. I just can't wait to start seeing results. I have such a long way to go. I have so much weight to lose that sometimes it can be discouraging. I will sometimes have to fight the urge to snack. What goes through my head is, "Well I am going to be fat forever so who really cares." Then I have to tell myself, "Do you really want to be fat forever? Because you don't have to be,unless you want that for yourself." I usually play this out and then put down whatever it is that I shouldn't be eating and move on. I switched my weigh in day to Monday, so I have almost a whole week still before I do another weigh in. I am so eager to see what this new workout can do for me that it makes me feel silly to be so excited to step on a scale. Maybe I really am growing as a person and learning to appreciate the simple pleasures of life! (Haha)
In other positive news for the day: I started seeing my therapist today. She actually gave me a compliment, or at least I took it as one. She said that I have a good sense of myself and I have a good grasp on my issues and what they are. So basically, we are going to do an inventory of me. I will be seeing her once a week for a while to do said inventory. We are just going to look back and see which things from my past and present may be bothering me. We are going to take those things and work on them and hope that it alleviates my depression. She said asking for antidepressants at my M.D. appointment next week is a good idea, at least until I start to a very solid grasp on my depression. I really liked her. She made me feel comfortable and I didn't think it sounded like she just wants to see me forever and take all of Dave's hard earned money from us. I am looking forward to working with her. I really do feel like there are a couple of things that I would benefit from talking about.
I know it sounds like today was all sunshine and roses, but it wasn't. As of right now, Dave and I are very broke. Our trip totally drained us financially. We have all the bills paid except one (I keep forgetting to call Comcast, ooops) and we have food in the fridge and I have a little tiny bit of cash. But our grocery bill was outrageous and I seriously do not have any idea how we are going to last until payday. We may have to do something we have previously said we would never do. We may have to go to the Navy Marine Corps. Relief Society.
It's not that I have anything against asking for help when it's needed. It's that I always think that there simply must be someone out there that I am "stealing" the money from. I can't stand the thought of taking money that someone else could have used more. But, one of our checking accounts is in overdraft and the other is down to change. So I think we are not going to have a choice this time. From what my understanding is, NMCRS gives you $300. That should get us out of overdraft and leave about $150 which we can definitely get through two weeks with. The other thing is, I can't stand the thought of adding another bill into the mix. I am not sure how the $300 gets repaid, but I know you have to repay it. We have enough bills to pay. We can and do manage to pay them and feed ourselves, but we can't and shouldn't add another one. If we do, we will start sinking slowly.
I think I need to read some money management books and take stock of things. Other than student loans, we are lucky enough to be pretty much debt free. That doesn't change the fact that we have absolutely no savings and we can't afford "extras" such as oil changes, new tags for the car, copays for medical, or anything that might come up unexpectedly each month. It's not fun to live like this. Part of me knows that my money management skills are not the whole problem. E3 pay is jack squat and I can't budget when there isn't enough money to budget. But I still wish that there was something more that I could do.
In conclusion, here is my list for tomorrow:
1. Apply for Short Term Loan
2. Clean the Bathrooms
3. Some sort of interaction with a non-family member
4. Make a Dentist appointment
5. Wash Diapers
As an afterthought, I wonder how massively my daily lists will grow once school starts. I will be including schoolwork, so I think they might triple. Isn't life grand?
I had another day of fulfilling all of my tasks on my list. Well, one was modified. We played at a friends instead of outside. It was kind of gloomy. I still think it counts though. I'm taking credit.
I did have some kind of lame news from my school. I slacked for too long and now I have to get a short term loan to pay my tuition until my financial aid comes through. It kind of sucks because hassling with financial aid really sucks. But the fact remains that I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. So tomorrow, I will be applying for the short term loan. Next Monday I will pick my classes. Next Wednesday, I will be selling my books from last quarter back to the school. Then I can enjoy the rest of my break and look forward to a new year.
I really like school. I like learning. I like knowing things. It's really amazing to me how empowering it is to get an education. I feel like I am bettering myself every time I see one of my grades. I honestly think that I could get my Ph.D. in History and then just move right in to getting another Bachelor's in some other subject. I would really like an English Literature degree at some point. I also think it would be nice to have a degree in Art History. I know so many people who find school to be boring (my husband is one of them). I just am not one of those people. I remember getting bored in school, but that usually had to do with me being a little bit ahead of my class. Only once in all of high school did I have to cling to every word the teacher said to get through class. That was an Economics class and I worked my butt off for a B. It was totally humbling. That class really put me in my place. I should take another Economics class as an elective someday again. I really would like to conquer that subject someday.
David and I did Day 2 of our 30 Day Challenge and man was it tough. I am so sore, I had to take the stairs one at a time. I like it though, it makes me feel like I am making progress. I just can't wait to start seeing results. I have such a long way to go. I have so much weight to lose that sometimes it can be discouraging. I will sometimes have to fight the urge to snack. What goes through my head is, "Well I am going to be fat forever so who really cares." Then I have to tell myself, "Do you really want to be fat forever? Because you don't have to be,unless you want that for yourself." I usually play this out and then put down whatever it is that I shouldn't be eating and move on. I switched my weigh in day to Monday, so I have almost a whole week still before I do another weigh in. I am so eager to see what this new workout can do for me that it makes me feel silly to be so excited to step on a scale. Maybe I really am growing as a person and learning to appreciate the simple pleasures of life! (Haha)
In other positive news for the day: I started seeing my therapist today. She actually gave me a compliment, or at least I took it as one. She said that I have a good sense of myself and I have a good grasp on my issues and what they are. So basically, we are going to do an inventory of me. I will be seeing her once a week for a while to do said inventory. We are just going to look back and see which things from my past and present may be bothering me. We are going to take those things and work on them and hope that it alleviates my depression. She said asking for antidepressants at my M.D. appointment next week is a good idea, at least until I start to a very solid grasp on my depression. I really liked her. She made me feel comfortable and I didn't think it sounded like she just wants to see me forever and take all of Dave's hard earned money from us. I am looking forward to working with her. I really do feel like there are a couple of things that I would benefit from talking about.
I know it sounds like today was all sunshine and roses, but it wasn't. As of right now, Dave and I are very broke. Our trip totally drained us financially. We have all the bills paid except one (I keep forgetting to call Comcast, ooops) and we have food in the fridge and I have a little tiny bit of cash. But our grocery bill was outrageous and I seriously do not have any idea how we are going to last until payday. We may have to do something we have previously said we would never do. We may have to go to the Navy Marine Corps. Relief Society.
It's not that I have anything against asking for help when it's needed. It's that I always think that there simply must be someone out there that I am "stealing" the money from. I can't stand the thought of taking money that someone else could have used more. But, one of our checking accounts is in overdraft and the other is down to change. So I think we are not going to have a choice this time. From what my understanding is, NMCRS gives you $300. That should get us out of overdraft and leave about $150 which we can definitely get through two weeks with. The other thing is, I can't stand the thought of adding another bill into the mix. I am not sure how the $300 gets repaid, but I know you have to repay it. We have enough bills to pay. We can and do manage to pay them and feed ourselves, but we can't and shouldn't add another one. If we do, we will start sinking slowly.
I think I need to read some money management books and take stock of things. Other than student loans, we are lucky enough to be pretty much debt free. That doesn't change the fact that we have absolutely no savings and we can't afford "extras" such as oil changes, new tags for the car, copays for medical, or anything that might come up unexpectedly each month. It's not fun to live like this. Part of me knows that my money management skills are not the whole problem. E3 pay is jack squat and I can't budget when there isn't enough money to budget. But I still wish that there was something more that I could do.
In conclusion, here is my list for tomorrow:
1. Apply for Short Term Loan
2. Clean the Bathrooms
3. Some sort of interaction with a non-family member
4. Make a Dentist appointment
5. Wash Diapers
As an afterthought, I wonder how massively my daily lists will grow once school starts. I will be including schoolwork, so I think they might triple. Isn't life grand?
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Few Things About Today
Today, I succeeded in accomplishing everything that was on my list from yesterday. Maybe I should make that a daily thing. I could make a list every day of what I need to accomplish the next day. Then I could revel in my victory whenever I accomplish everything on my list. I mean, I did start this blog in order to hold myself accountable. That would probably be a good way. I suppose I will conclude this entry by making tomorrows list.
Aside from all that jabber, although the things on my list got done they got done out of order. Why? Well that's easy. The Navy is strange and unpredictable! Dave got a phone call yesterday at 3:30 and was asked why he was not at work. He responded that as far as he was aware he was supposed to report to work at 6:30 a.m. today. Well, he was wrong. He had been switched to the night shift. Thanks to a very awesome friend babysitting, I was able to go to the grocery store by myself and spend the $220 that we don't have to spend. (We spent an additional $60 today, LAME) At first, I was really bummed out and TOTALLY skeptical of the night shift. However, today played out rather nicely and I think we are going to establish a pretty good routine for as long as this shift lasts.
While I accomplished a lot today and the routine was good, there is one thing that was not good today...ARCHER. I think he misses Colorado. It was a place where he got whatever he wanted, had crowds of people appreciating him, and he could do no wrong. He spent two weeks getting totally spoiled. As a result, today he was totally rotten. He cried, he whined, he hit me in the face with things...It was not a good day on the Archer's Mommy front. The thing is, I am not going to cave. He has rules. He knows the rules. There are boundaries. He's cute,but he's a person. The reign of terror shall be quashed, hopefully by next week.
Despite my accomplishments, the night shift, and my rotten child; I managed to make a decision today that I think has been a long time coming. I have decided to cut back. This may sound cruel, heartless, and a little weird but I am going to cut back on friends. Lately I have realized that I am not in a place where I can tolerate and handle certain things. Some of these things relate to parenting style, some relate to attitude, some relate to lifestyle, and some relate to personality. I feel so lame and cliche writing this, however it really is an "it's not you, it's me" situation. I pride myself on my tolerance, my ability to accept people. I love that I am nonjudgmental. Being tolerant and nonjudgmental does not mean that I can take more than anyone else. I have my limits. When I am stressed to the max and battling my personal demons, there are just certain things that I can't handle being around. It doesn't mean that I really care how you parent. I doesn't mean I really care how you vote. It doesn't mean that I really care what you do at all. I don't have a problem with other peoples lives. I just sometimes realize that being physically, mentally, and emotionally around certain things is really hard for me. I'm not judging, I promise.
That being said, I am somewhat passive aggressive. My tactic is going to be to just stop contacting these people. If they contact me, we will talk but I will be holding them more at arms length. I'm not mean. I am not going to do anything harsh. I doubt these people will even realize that we are losing touch. I just am so non-mean that I don't want to say, "Hey, you live in a way that is really agitating to my currently fragile state of mind." I would rather just employ the phase-out method and let it be nice, peaceful, and on good terms.
So in conclusion,here is my list for tomorrow:
1. Play outside
2. Work Out
3. Drop off paperwork at school
4. Therapy appointment (hooray!)
5. Laundry
6. Cleaning
Aside from all that jabber, although the things on my list got done they got done out of order. Why? Well that's easy. The Navy is strange and unpredictable! Dave got a phone call yesterday at 3:30 and was asked why he was not at work. He responded that as far as he was aware he was supposed to report to work at 6:30 a.m. today. Well, he was wrong. He had been switched to the night shift. Thanks to a very awesome friend babysitting, I was able to go to the grocery store by myself and spend the $220 that we don't have to spend. (We spent an additional $60 today, LAME) At first, I was really bummed out and TOTALLY skeptical of the night shift. However, today played out rather nicely and I think we are going to establish a pretty good routine for as long as this shift lasts.
While I accomplished a lot today and the routine was good, there is one thing that was not good today...ARCHER. I think he misses Colorado. It was a place where he got whatever he wanted, had crowds of people appreciating him, and he could do no wrong. He spent two weeks getting totally spoiled. As a result, today he was totally rotten. He cried, he whined, he hit me in the face with things...It was not a good day on the Archer's Mommy front. The thing is, I am not going to cave. He has rules. He knows the rules. There are boundaries. He's cute,but he's a person. The reign of terror shall be quashed, hopefully by next week.
Despite my accomplishments, the night shift, and my rotten child; I managed to make a decision today that I think has been a long time coming. I have decided to cut back. This may sound cruel, heartless, and a little weird but I am going to cut back on friends. Lately I have realized that I am not in a place where I can tolerate and handle certain things. Some of these things relate to parenting style, some relate to attitude, some relate to lifestyle, and some relate to personality. I feel so lame and cliche writing this, however it really is an "it's not you, it's me" situation. I pride myself on my tolerance, my ability to accept people. I love that I am nonjudgmental. Being tolerant and nonjudgmental does not mean that I can take more than anyone else. I have my limits. When I am stressed to the max and battling my personal demons, there are just certain things that I can't handle being around. It doesn't mean that I really care how you parent. I doesn't mean I really care how you vote. It doesn't mean that I really care what you do at all. I don't have a problem with other peoples lives. I just sometimes realize that being physically, mentally, and emotionally around certain things is really hard for me. I'm not judging, I promise.
That being said, I am somewhat passive aggressive. My tactic is going to be to just stop contacting these people. If they contact me, we will talk but I will be holding them more at arms length. I'm not mean. I am not going to do anything harsh. I doubt these people will even realize that we are losing touch. I just am so non-mean that I don't want to say, "Hey, you live in a way that is really agitating to my currently fragile state of mind." I would rather just employ the phase-out method and let it be nice, peaceful, and on good terms.
So in conclusion,here is my list for tomorrow:
1. Play outside
2. Work Out
3. Drop off paperwork at school
4. Therapy appointment (hooray!)
5. Laundry
6. Cleaning
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Then Again, Maybe Not
Well you know what? I sure talked a big game when I was in Colorado and feeling a lot better. But then we got home, cleaned, and went to bed. And 'lo and behold, I wake up at 10:30 this morning. Dave has been up for 3 hours already. And now I just want to camp out in front of this here 'puter and not leave my house. However, I need to help him unpack and I need to make a meal plan and grocery list. I also need to work out tonight. I need to get myself on track, but for some reason being here just makes me want to crawl right back into bed for as long as I can.
I could try to pin it on exhaustion from my trip. I could try to say today was different because yesterday was such a long day. But I know, deep down, that I just wanted to stay in bed. So I did. By the time I woke up, it was nap time already. I missed the whole morning. And what idea popped into my head? "Well it's nap time so technically I could go back to bed." I had to fight my urge. I have to fight my urge to stay in front of this computer. I shouldn't even really finish writing this blog.
I have this plan for tomorrow. It goes like this:
1. Wake Up
2. Do Breakfast
3. Get dressed
4. Go to the playground behind our townhouse
5. Come back
6. Commence Nap time
7. Work Out during nap
8. Clean up house during nap
9. Make 2 Very Important Phone Calls During Nap
10. Play online the remainder of nap time
11. End Nap
12. Play with my offspring
13. Dave comes home
14. Dave cooks dinner
15. Bath Time
16. Bed Time
However, if today is any indication of my ability to stick to my optimism I am kind of nervous. I want to overcome this. I want to do all of these things. But I just don't know if I can. I just don't know if I will.
The good thing is, right now I plan on sticking to my guns. I plan on playing out my optimistic plans. I am going to wrap up this entry, take my butt upstairs, and help my husband unpack the 150 pounds of luggage that he just dragged into the house. After that, I am going to fold diapers. Then I will print out a calendar, make a meal plan, and make a grocery list. Then, I shall shower and we shall shop. I am going to accomplish everything that I wanted to do today. Even though I am starting 3 1/2 hours later than I had initially intended. Over and out.
I could try to pin it on exhaustion from my trip. I could try to say today was different because yesterday was such a long day. But I know, deep down, that I just wanted to stay in bed. So I did. By the time I woke up, it was nap time already. I missed the whole morning. And what idea popped into my head? "Well it's nap time so technically I could go back to bed." I had to fight my urge. I have to fight my urge to stay in front of this computer. I shouldn't even really finish writing this blog.
I have this plan for tomorrow. It goes like this:
1. Wake Up
2. Do Breakfast
3. Get dressed
4. Go to the playground behind our townhouse
5. Come back
6. Commence Nap time
7. Work Out during nap
8. Clean up house during nap
9. Make 2 Very Important Phone Calls During Nap
10. Play online the remainder of nap time
11. End Nap
12. Play with my offspring
13. Dave comes home
14. Dave cooks dinner
15. Bath Time
16. Bed Time
However, if today is any indication of my ability to stick to my optimism I am kind of nervous. I want to overcome this. I want to do all of these things. But I just don't know if I can. I just don't know if I will.
The good thing is, right now I plan on sticking to my guns. I plan on playing out my optimistic plans. I am going to wrap up this entry, take my butt upstairs, and help my husband unpack the 150 pounds of luggage that he just dragged into the house. After that, I am going to fold diapers. Then I will print out a calendar, make a meal plan, and make a grocery list. Then, I shall shower and we shall shop. I am going to accomplish everything that I wanted to do today. Even though I am starting 3 1/2 hours later than I had initially intended. Over and out.
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