Yesterday and Today

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I managed to keep myself too busy and then to be exhausted from being so busy. I started off the day by going to my doctor appointment at 9 a.m. I really liked the new doctor and found her to be interested and helpful. She started me off on a low dose of Celexa (really low, 5 mg) and had me get blood drawn to check my thyroid. I am set to return in two weeks to see how the meds are working and to get the results of my blood work and discuss my weight issue. I was not too impressed with the facility that she worked in, but I think a good doctor outweighs a bad facility.

I came home and spent the rest of the day doing things around home. I managed to complete all but one thing off of my list for yesterday, which was one thing that I decided yesterday was too early to do. We had a pretty good day yesterday and Dave even got home pretty early last night, which was really nice because he has been really tired.

Today I have to go to the dentist, which I am really looking forward to doing. I have TMJ and have needed to begin the process to treat it for quite some time. The headaches and back and neck aches are almost unbearable. They are a big contributor to my ability to sleep all day long. It's very easy to be lazy when your body hurts. I am hoping the dentist will be able to fit me for a splint to bite on. My mom has one, because she has TMJ too, and it has done her wonders.

Since I didn't post yesterday, here is my to-do list for today:
1. Dentist
2. Vacuum Downstairs
3. Put Away Laundry
4. Play outside

Not very much to do, but it's still important that I get it done.

Last night, I realized something about myself that kind of sucks. I realized that I have a tendency to alienate people. In part, my depression is to blame because I can be extremely moody. I tend to get grumpy and then just kind of be mean. Sometimes it's not even mean, it's bitchy and rude. Other times I get sulky which causes me to act in a way that I don't really intend upon behaving. In all honesty, when I wonder why I don't have a lot of friends I don't really get tremendously sad about it. I am not a super social person and I am actually fine with only having one or two good friends. But it occurred to me that sometimes even the friendships that I consider good ones fail, and I think that a lot of the time my unpredictable and difficult to understand mood swings could be responsible.

Thinking about this made me wonder if I am well suited to be a friend to anyone right now. I am still not sure. I know that I am in a place where I need a lot of support. But I also know that as a friend, I need to be supportive. It's difficult for me to do that at this time because I am so focused on bettering myself and simply getting out of bed in the morning. I need to learn to balance focusing on me and lending support if I want to succeed in establishing meaningful friendships with the women here. I have friends back home, it's here that I am lacking. I just have a tough time getting past my own crap.

I still hold to what I said about having friends that I need to weed out of my life. But that's all back home. People with drama and craziness, some of whom have been my friends forever but we have changed too much and it isn't working. Here, I don't even hardly have any friends. And the ones I do have don't seem to like me very much anymore. They seem to have given up on me, or they don't really understand me, or maybe they just figured out that they never liked me. Either way, I am lonely.

And above all else, I feel like I am failing as a mom for not providing socialization. I cried for over an hour last night at the thought of dragging my family down with me because of my own social problems. It's really hard for me because I just don't do well with people. Even the ones I initially do well with, I blow it and it isn't just me that suffers. Sometimes we all do and it isn't fair. I need to work on being a better friend and an easier person to be around. It's something I am really committed to changing during this process. So everyone, wish me luck.