Fat.

Don't tell me that I am skinny. I don't want to hear about how good you think I look. I don't feel it. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who easily needs to lose another twenty pounds.

In my head, I can tell myself that my pants are a size 7 and that they are loose on my legs. But my head later tells me that I have probably stretched them out and that they fit more like a 9 or an 11. They might have even been sized incorrectly, because surely I need to lose weight.

I used to weigh close to 300 pounds. I was tightly compacted into my size twenty jeans and I hated myself. I hated my body. Now, I weigh over a hundred pounds less and I still hate my body. I still want to lose weight. But overall, I want to love my body. I want to look in the mirror and think "You are beautiful," but I don't. I want to look in the mirror and like my face, but all I see are pimples and eyebrows that need wax.

There are things that I like about myself, don't mistake my low self-esteem for utter self-loathing, but I do not like my body and I do not like my face. I don't know how to change it, if I could I definitely would.

What I do know is that I am tired of hearing that I am skinny. I don't feel skinny, especially because I have recently put on weight. I don't feel good about my body and until I do, the compliments feel like insults. They feel like eyes scanning over my muffin top and taking in my fat. If you are looking at me, clearly you can see how flabby I am, clearly you can see every ounce of extra skin and every stretch mark on my body.

I don't want you to see those things, I would hide from your eyes if I could. I would go away and not re-emerge until I had achieved my perfect body and somehow found a way to like my face. I wish that was an option, because I would take it. I don't know how to achieve my goals. I eat well. I run. I do yoga. But here I sit, having gained weight that I worked very hard to lose. Not feeling good in my skin and not feeling like I am presentable for the public.

I wish I knew why. I wish I understood my mentality. But all I understand is that I want to look a certain way and that I don't. I understand that until I meet my goals, I will feel fat. I understand that I do not want to be told that I am thin. I am not thin. I do not accept that.