Images

I think that it is mainly because I have been doing so much reflecting lately that this posting has come about...

Isn't it kind of odd how certain things commit to our memory as single images? So instead of reviewing our lives like a film, we review it like a slide show. I may be young, but I have experienced a lot of things in my life and I have a lot of images. Some of them are the strangest things, given the event that they coincide with. You would think that since they are burned so strongly in my brain, I would have remembered a different image.

I am not posting this to analyze the images or even to really ponder them. I actually just want to share them. Some of them are sad. Some of them are happy, but they are the images that I associate with some of the most defining events of my life.

I have one image of my mom with a pipe to her mouth, trying to spark the lighter. She was sitting at the kitchen table, laughing. I can picture the dishwasher behind her, the phone cord on the wall. I can see the table. Whoever was smoking with her was cut off by the wall. (One of the many times I caught my mom using drugs)

I have an image of a smashed jar of jelly, half covering my feet in my grandmas laundry room. I can picture the jelly and the floor and the cabinet right next to me.(This is the first time I remember being yelled at by my grandmother)

I see a dead mouse caught in a trap at the house across the street.(I don't know why)

I picture four of my friends ahead of me, running up the hill. I can see what order they are on, what they are wearing, and who is located where in the street. At the top of the hill, I can see a car and it's in pieces.(When my friend Charlie had a car accident, she died)

I see my daughter. Eyes close, mouth wide open. There are no teeth in her mouth. I remember really nothing but how toothless she was. (The first time I held my daughter)

I can see my best friend crying and looking down at my legs and the end of the hospital bed. (When I had my son)

I can see the ceiling of the ambulance and the blanket covering my feet. (When I tried to kill myself)

I can picture the church and the priest at the pulpit. I can see the backs of all of my family member's heads. (I could probably name the order they were sitting in the pew in front of me). I can see my grandma standing in front of the altar, speaking. (At my uncle's funeral)

I can see my step-mom sitting in a recliner in her living room. The T.V. is playing in the background and she has her legs folded underneath her. She is turned and facing me. My step sister is sitting on the floor in front of me and my father is standing in the doorway. (My step-mom is making fun of me, as usual)

I can see a man grabbing a box of teddy grahams from me and making an ugly face at me. I can picture his kitchen. The floors, the cabinets, the fridge, and the back door. (One of my moms many boyfriends)

Those are just a few of the memories that stand out the most in my mind. Most of them are several years past and some are over a decade old. I just have these images burned into my mind and they all have to do with something that I think I will remember forever.